One Year Cancer Free!

This is a belated post, partly because I've been too busy living life!

On November 8th I was officially one year cancer free.  One year since my surgery date, where shortly after my pathological complete response from chemo was confirmed.

Hard to believe a year has passed.  I am very very grateful to be in a much better place now.  I am exercising regularly, working full-time, trying to eat healthy and take care of myself.   I still am not at my previous stamina (who knows if I ever will be), and I have some lingering side effects from treatment, mostly the neuropathy from chemo and maybe a touch of chemo brain still.  I combat the chemo brain by making lots of notes.  This is especially important for coping at work, where there is a lot of different moving parts.  My skin is still darker near my neck, where my radiation was really bad/skin was super burnt.  My radiation oncologist said that might be with me for life (sigh).   I still have a noticeable scar on my breast and under my armpit.  I don't really care though - I wear bathing suits where it isn't concealed and I don't care if people notice.  It is part of my body and my story.  All in all I can't complain.  I am here, and I am thriving as much as I can.

I still have fear of recurrence. Actually it has been amplified leading up to this one year milestone.  And maybe partly because it is coming up to the anniversary of Carmen's death.  2 years already.  

Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The fear flares up and sometimes it can be consuming.  Luckily it does pass and I can focus on other things.  It's a blessing and a curse.  It's hard to carry that anxiety around with me all the time (even if it isn't always at the forefront).  It's also a constant reminder to live life in the present, practice mindfulness, and be happy first and foremost right now.

Only God knows the plans for me, but I am hopeful I will have many more cancer free years to come. I can only pray for that.

In the meantime, I am celebrating.  Jeff and I went to Nassau for a week and had an awesome time.

Great article about dealing with fear of recurrence

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/04-19-2016/4-reminders-for-anyone-dealing-with-the-fear-of-recurrence

Living Life Hard

I feel like in the last couple of months I've been "living life hard."    Hence why my blogging has slowed down!  What I mean by that is I am throwing myself into life again.  My new job has been very busy but I absolutely LOVE it.  I've been building relationships with my team and management and everyone is just awesome.  It is definitely a work hard, play hard mentality which is great with me.   I am surrounded by inspiring, smart people who care about their work - and it is contagious.

On the weekends I've been spending time with family and friends, and am just enjoying life and being social again.  I went out for a girls night last night and I was thinking of how different things are from last October when I was still recovering from chemo.    I had a moment of feeling so, so grateful.

I am seizing every opportunity to have fun.

Along those lines, Jeff and I booked Jamaica for my 40th birthday in January.  But it felt a bit far away, and I do feel I need a bit of time off sooner.  Since the gradual return and my new job, I haven't taken any time off and I want to make sure I am still taking care of me!  So we booked a last minute trip to Nassau for mid November.  I can't wait.  I've never been to the Bahamas and I am excited to experience something new.

My body is tired.  From working hard and living hard.  I know I need to schedule more down time.  Part of my feels like I still have a ticking clock though - and I just want to fit as much in as I can.  I WANT to live hard.  I want to grab onto life and enjoy the moments and experiences as much as possible.

Cancer doesn't give you a heads up that it is coming (or coming back).  I am reminded often that it can be devastating.  Other family and friends get diagnosed and I am reminded.  Gord Downie passes away from cancer and I am reminded.  I have flashbacks to my experience, or get overwhelmed with fear of recurrence (yes this still happens often!) and I am reminded.

I can't say it enough that the most important lesson from having cancer is to be grateful for each day - and do what you can to make a lot of good days happen!   Live a life of contentment. Create those experiences that fill you up, that give you happiness.  

The secret suckiness of life after breast cancer

I can relate to a lot of the points in this article.  As I am approaching my one year anniversary of being cancer free, I am so grateful and yet I still have highs and lows.  My body isn’t the same it was. My mind isn’t the same it was. My heart isn’t the same it was. In some ways I am a fuller and more loving person with a renewed zest for living....and in some ways I mourn who I was before all this.  I am in no way “over” it - still working through it. As I said to a friend last night - I feel like I am still in the process of getting my life back. 

http://www.refinery29.uk/2017/10/176891/life-after-breast-cancer-survivor-story

One woman newly diagnosed with breast cancer interviews someone in remission

https://www.facebook.com/SelfMagazine/videos/10155036384813811/

6 month follow up at Princess Margaret

This past week I had my 6 month checkup with Dr. Conrad, the radiation oncologist.  The anticipation of the appointment was worse than the actual meeting.  I talked about my transition back to work and some residual side effects, and she did a physical exam.  All went well.
I have mixed feelings going into that hospital. It's been a nice break not going there - when I get there it feels strangely comforting and anxiety ridden at the same time!

One of the main things (other than fatigue and trying to regain full stamina again) that I mentioned in terms of side effects is the neuropathy.  I still get the tingly feet a bit and more recently my hands have been a bit achy.  It seems worse when the weather is rainy.  It's not much fun.   Chemo certainly does a number on your body and I have read that it ages you 10 years.  Weird to think I am in a 50 year old body the moment. Most days I don't feel that way though.

I had a session with Dr. Hunter this week too, and it was so nice to see him and give a bit of an update.  I talked about my transition back to work and to my new job and how happy I am with the change.  He's been a big cheerleader of mine over the last year and I don't know what I'd have done without him!  He told me I could make a follow up for 3 months from now, but if I don't feel I need it I can cancel.  So in a way, I was given the green light to be "released" from his care.  Feels a bit scary but also like maybe it is time.   I would say that although I am still managing my stamina, emotionally and psychologically I am in a pretty good place and have moved through the traumatic events of the past 16 months. I guess I should give myself a pat on the back for that.

Hair watch - one year post chemo!

One year post chemo and I had hoped my hair would be longer but it’s on the way! Blessed to be where I am now.😊

Run for the cure 2017!

Last Sunday Shannon and I ran the run for the cure 2017! It was a fun event and a bit emotional too. Together we raised almost 3000 dollars which is so amazing! 

As I was running I thought a lot about the last year/16 months and I am a bit amazed how far I have come.  I feel very grateful for my state of health today and was able to run it in 37 min - which isn’t fast by any means but it was faster than my practice times and I think I was one of the only survivors to run it period! Most walked. 

I am very grateful for a wonderful friend who shared this day with me too.

I also met Dr. Alexandra Ginty who wrote the book “Both sides” - part of it talks about how being a breast cancer survivor has influenced her role as a doctor. There is also a lot of inspirational poems and quotes and general advice that helped me move forward from my own diagnosis.

Run for the cure fundraising

My page is up for run for the cure and I've received quite a few donations!!

Hoping to raise more money before October 1st :)

Jen's Run for the cure 2017

Hair watch - 11 months post chemo!

Running practice

First run since the spring, trying to get ready for Run for the Cure October 1st!

I am not the fastest and had to walk a few times to catch my breath - but I finished it and that's what matters!  11 months post chemo and 7 months post radiation/end of treatment so I will give myself a pat on the back.

Mimi was waiting in the window when I got back home :)

An oncologist's perspective

This is an amazing article from the perspective of an oncologist.


https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/aug/30/as-cancer-progresses-some-patients-weep-some-get-angry-and-others-are-bewildered

PTSD and breast cancer

http://bcresiliencecentre.blogspot.ca/search/label/PTSD?m=1

12 things

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-25-2016/12-things-only-a-survivor-can-tell-you-about-cancer

Today

Today is a new moon and the solar eclipse.  A good time to write down goals as it is a period of renewal.

Time to take another look at the guiding principles and not to forget what's important in my life now!

Harmony, Balance and well-being for sure - number one!
Focus on things you love to do and that matter most - loving relationships; recharging activities and self-care; travel - two trips a year remember?
Don't wait to do things that are important to you!!
Don't forget how amazing you are - you beat cancer!  Be bold, be brave and be kind. Take this new perspective into every aspect of your life.

Last week of gradual return

This is my last week of gradual return!  hard to believe, those 8 weeks went by fast.  I definitely feel my stamina improving.  I hope I can transition ok to the full time hours.  I know I will be tired.  I need to be patient and kind to myself.

It hasn't all be easy coming back to work. I did try to help out more than I maybe should have during the return, mainly because the branch has been so understaffed and I wanted to rectify this before I go on my secondment.  There were days I pushed myself too hard.  But then I learned my lesson and am not working outside of the hours much anymore.  I need to value my time to rest and treat that as a priority too.

Because I threw myself into things and maybe also because I sought out a new job, I think people at work somewhat forgot I was on gradual return and just back from leave for cancer.  There have been many times where I haven't felt a lot of support. Not even much concern for how I am doing.  It is a bit disappointing.  But I guess not that surprising. I have to look after myself and be my own advocate.

As I get ready for my new role, I am hopeful I can find the right balance for me.  That's my goal for this new job.  To enjoy the opportunity and all that it brings but not to let it consume me.  Remember that balance, harmony and wellbeing is number one.

Return to work update

Well, I've been back on the gradual return to work for just over a month now. It's going ok.  I feel like I am contributing at a decent level.  I get tired as the day goes on and I notice that is when I struggle with vocabulary (like searching for the right word) and/or making spelling mistakes on emails etc.  I am up to 20 hours this week, jumping to 30 next week!  Hope I can manage ok as I get up to full time August 28th.  This week I am going in at 9am instead of 10am, which means I get up at 5:30 so I have time to workout, shower, dress, do breakfast and walk the dog all before commuting to work. It's a lot for someone off for cancer for over a year!  But I am managing.  Getting better at not working when I am not at work too. Because I realize I need the rest otherwise I am not as effective when I am there.

The week I returned I had an interview for a new role, lateral position as a manager in an HR branch at Cabinet Office.  Amazingly I won the temporary position!  And my director eventually agreed to let me go!  I start there September 11th, as she needs me to stick around to deliver on the upcoming retreat for her.   I will be back to full time hours at that point so it should be ok. I did tell the new director I will be reporting to about my leave for cancer and gradual return so she knows.  She seems really great and from what I hear there is a great culture there, good work-life balance, and they just did a flex work pilot where people can work from home!  It all sounds good.  My title is going to be Manager, People and Culture, and I will be leading HR projects and programs, with a team for 4 or 5 staff.  I am excited to try something new. I feel like if I hadn't got sick I would be due for a move and so why not go forward like I didn't get sick?  Time to take control of my career back.  Especially when the branch at MMAH has changed so drastically - I feel much less ties and loyalty there, and frankly I can already tell I am not learning much there anymore.  This retreat I am helping with - I have already done 5 other retreats of a similar nature. It's time for something else!  It is an 18 month secondment, so we will see how it goes. Should I want to become an HR director at some point, it will be good to get more experience in a different ministry and this is more "central agency" experience.

I am proud of myself for taking on this challenge of a competition, and being successful!

A letter to myself

Last August the EAP counsellor suggested I write a letter to myself one year in the future, talking about everything I have survived and made it through, to help myself visualize and focus on my goal - to beat cancer.  Here is that letter, from my notebook:

__

August 2017 (actually written August 2016 :))

Dear Jen,

It's been 14 months since your diagnosis with breast cancers. You have overcome so much since that time. The major hurdle of chemo, where your body was put through the wringer, followed by surgery and radiation...not to mention the emotional roller coaster of the past year.

I know at times you couldn't do anymore.  You weren't sure how you might climb the mountain in front of you.  But look at you now!  You did it!  You fucking beat cancer!

You have your physical strength back and can do the exercises you enjoy, that centre you and relieve stress.  You've battled the psychological demons that come with this disease.  Your hair is back! you feel like a woman again.  You are even back at work, the job you love.  You continue to be grateful for every day and all that you experience.

You are a fighter and I am so incredibly proud of you! You are capable of anything.

Hair watch - 10 months post chemo!

Returning to work after cancer

I've been back to work for two and a half weeks now (part time/gradual return) and it was surprising how easy it has been in some ways and tough in others.  The good news is I have been able to get into the swing of things pretty quickly.  I am not managing my team yet but I am influencing things and helping them with hiring as they are quite understaffed.  I have a project assigned to me and am doing fine with that (retreat planning that I managed 4-5 times already in this ministry, so I am familiar with what needs to happen). I feel like my ability to multi-task and get things done pretty efficiently has returned - maybe not as great as I was but its getting there.

I have a hard time sticking to the reduced hours.  I want to be up to speed on everything that has happened and is happening and I find it hard not to be involved in all aspects of my job yet. But I am trying. I am getting into a bit of a rhythm.   There hasn't been pressure from anyone to do more than I can, other than my own internal self-pressure!

So what's the problem?  Well, in some ways it feels like a brand new job.  4 of my staff have left with number 5 leaving at end of august (out of 8).  I have a new director, and we are hiring new staff.  It is almost a total rebuild situation.   Some of the people left there aren't happy.  The director has influenced a not very supportive culture, and my colleague manager was crying in my office on my second day.    It scares me.  So far things are going ok with me, but I worry about how it will be when I am back to full duties and the expectations set in.   Not an ideal situation, I'd rather have stability and familiarity but what can you do. It is what it is.  

In some ways I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I never got sick.  Would 5 staff have left?  Would the branch be in shambles like it is now?  Would the culture have shifted so much? Would I have been considered for the director position?  It's hard not to think about all that stuff, and link it to my illness.  It makes me feel a bit cheated again.

I am not sure this is the right place for me longterm. I have to figure that out. If I never got sick, I would be due for a move, just from a career advancement perspective.  So why not move?

Other challenges are just fatigue.  I get tired after working 4-5 hours.  I am so glad I am doing the gradual return and am building up my stamina.  I am hopeful I will get back to where I was before.  But I am bit nervous too.

It didn't take long to get back onto the "hamster wheel" though - and I need to remember my priorities and the importance of self-care.  Sometimes I forget what I went through.  I just go and do things, and push myself, like I would before cancer.    In a way it's nice to forget.  But I also need to make sure I take care of myself first.

I find myself thinking about work when I am not there.  I have always been bad at that.  But as I was dwelling on things yesterday, I was reminded of a lovely woman I met on my breast cancer group on Facebook - it popped up that we became friends at this time last year.  Her name was Jo and she was stage 4....she's the one who was so lovely and positive, and she even went back to college - she really inspired me with her attitude about life, even when she was so ill.  She died a few months after I came to know her.   And so I was reminded again how short life is and to STOP fussing about work.  What will be will be. All I can do is do my best and be grateful for where I am now, be grateful I was healthy enough to return, as it doesn't always work out that way for people.

I think I need to bring a reminder to work to keep me in check.  My turtle - which I made in art therapy - hasn't made it to the office yet. I think it's time to bring it in.   I was also thinking of doing a sticky note on my screen with my #1 guiding principle - "Harmony, Balance and Well-being is your number one priority."   If I see it every day, hopefully I can live this more deliberately!!

Gratitude

I held on in the darkness

Return to work!

Yesterday was my first day back at work since June 9, 2016.  It was a bit surreal to walk back into the branch! Everyone was so nice and welcoming. They decorated my office and gave me a card and plant :)

I spent some time with my new director and got a lot of info on things that are happening. Everyone gathered in the library to have lunch and chat with me.

The four hours flew by in a flash! So far so good.

Appointment with Doctor Hunter

I had another session with Dr. Hunter today.  I know I've said it before but I feel so lucky to have him as my doctor and he has helped me so much this past year.

We talked about my return to work as I did my first "shift" yesterday.  Surprisingly it felt somewhat natural to be back, despite all the changes.  I sat in my office and it didn't really feel like much time had passed.  Which is a bit confusing because obviously I have been gone 13 months!  I am struggling with reconciling that a bit.  I have a gap in knowledge of what has happened and what is happening now, and I wish I could magically update my brain to know all the details.  In time it will happen.

My new director seems nice enough, so I am not jumping to any conclusions there.  There are 3 sides to every story, the staff's side, her side and something in the middle that is probably the truth. What I did like is she showed some vulnerability and emotion to me, and that made her seem human.   All in all I feel excited to get back into the work scene and use my brain again.  And one of my new staff that was hired when I was off had breast cancer 2 years ago. She is in her early 30s.  She has already become an informal "work buddy" to me, and is making sure I am doing ok.

Because I wasn't sure about the branch dynamic, I have been applying for other jobs and I have been called for an interview. I asked Dr. Hunter's advice on this as I am worried I am stressing myself out at a time that isn't ideal.  But his advice was to go ahead with it, and I will know in my gut if it is a good fit or not by going through the process.

We talked about how either way I have a new perspective on work, and because of what I've been through, I have a broader perspective on what I want my life to be - work is part of it but not the central focus.  Whatever job I am in, I can make sure I keep this perspective.

We spent a bit of time talking about the "lost time" from being off and how the world keeps on turning and things move ahead.  Part of me resents the fact that I have lost the better part of a year.  Or at least the 8-9 months of treatment.  It forced me to put life on hold which is not easy for someone like me! And I think I still feel cheated. That may fade as time goes on.

I talked little bit about my frustration regarding my stamina too.  I felt tired after 4 hours of work yesterday. I guess I can't be expected to go from zero to a hundred though. It's just frustrating not to be able to do as much as I used to - at least not yet.  I felt the same at the end of our trip to Seattle, when I basically hit a wall of fatigue from all the travelling, time change and walking.  This wouldn't have phased me quite as much before cancer.  I hope with patience and training I can get my full physical and mental stamina back.

I am going to schedule one more session for September timeframe, as Dr. Hunter is away all of August. He said he'd like to see me at least one more time, when life is a bit more settled, to see how I am doing.  I trust him and his advice, and so I look forward to catching up with him then.

9 months post chemo!

Repost - from building resilience in breast cancer

“I used to think the worst thing about cancer was the anxiety about dying. It’s not. It’s guilt.”

This week our discussion explored our guilt and the sense of responsibility we feel for the worry and pain our loved ones experience as a result of our diagnosis with primary, or secondary, breast cancer. 

Guilt can be one of the strongest emotions we experience - we feel guilty for bringing this disease into the lives of our families and its impact on our husbands, our partners, our parents, our colleagues, our employers. We feel guilty for exposing our families and friends to worry, fear and uncertainty. Those of us who are mothers are haunted by our sense of having allowed an unspeakable horror into our children’s lives; those of us who want to be mothers feel guilty that we may be unable to give our partners a family.  

Some of us described feeling as though we had failed our loved ones in some way. Rationally, we know we are not to ‘blame’ but we can’t help but wonder what it was we did, or did not do, that might have caused us to develop breast cancer. We find ourselves questioning our life-style choices, our experiences and asking whether they could have contributed to our diagnoses. The questions that follow us are: why me? why not me? where did I go wrong? did I bring this on myself? Is this a punishment?  We find ourselves taking on responsibility for developing primary breast cancer, for facing side-effects and complications, and if our cancer returns, for developing secondary breast cancer. 

Naz explained that we are not as well-equipped to cope with guilt as other emotions. This is because guilt carries with it a strong emotional and cognitive component that justifies this emotion. Usually, our cognitive brain systems regulate or down play emotions that run high, but with guilt, our cognitive systems often serve to re-affirm our guilty feelings. This is one of the main reasons that feelings of guilt can last for a long time - for years post trauma.

Unwittingly, the expectations and reactions of others can re-affirm our guilty feelings. We are advised to - ‘stay strong’, ‘be positive’, ‘your family needs you’, ‘you need to keep going because of them.’ But often we don’t feel positive or strong and these 'sympathetic' comments increase our guilty feelings, we feel we shouldn’t complain, we are supposed to feel ‘lucky’ - because we have a ‘good cancer’, because we didn’t need chemotherapy, or radiotherapy, or haven’t had a mastectomy. 

The media, we decided, plays a role in exaggerating these unrealistic expectations: are you strong enough? Brave enough? Tough enough? to ‘battle cancer.’ Women with secondary breast cancer described their emotional anguish as a result of the unspoken, offensive subtext that accompanies these messages - that they were somehow not strong enough or brave enough to stop their cancer coming back. The reality is that our power in influencing cancer outcomes and recurrence is very limited. So we feel doomed to failure. Yet we suffer in silence, unable to talk openly about the realities of secondary breast cancer. 

Those of who have finished active treatment described how we want to meet the high expectations that we and others hold of ourselves. But we are exhausted, thrown into an ocean of uncertainty, trying to find a safe harbour to shelter from the storm of cancer which can be a long and turbulent. We want others to understand, to empathise, but we find ourselves mute and numb, unable to communicate how we feel and what we are going through. Some of us described feeling ‘survivors’ guilt’ when we have lost friends as a result of breast cancer.

So can guilt ever be made to disappear? 

We can try to prioritise our own needs. We can share our vulnerability so that others see our interior experience as well as the tough image that we project outwardly. We can remind ourselves that we have very little control in the development of this disease. We can forgive ourselves.

Yes

Inspirational quotes

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/07-13-2015/20-inspirational-cancer-quotes-for-survivors-fighters-caregivers

Lotus flower tattoo

I got a new tattoo today to represent my cancer journey - a lotus flower! Here's the before and after :)

Chemo-versary!

Well one year ago today I had my first chemo. God I came to hate that awful devil AC. I was very anxious about how it would make me feel. The unknown was hard. I found out soon enough that it would knock me down to the worst fatigue ever and make me super nauseous.  Also started the hot flashes and night sweats. And insomnia from the steroids. It ruined chicken soup for me forever!

Very very glad I am a year out from starting that process!

 

After the storm

http://www.purpleclover.com/health/1340-after-the-storm/

That's what I fight for

 

One year later

June 9th was one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year!

Obviously I am incredibly grateful to be where I am now, with my treatment going as well as it could. Only god knows what is in store for me now.  I can only hope and pray I have beat this thing for good.

Jeff and I went to Seattle on June 9 for 4 nights, and I am glad we did something fun. We saw 3 blue jays games, went to the Space Needle, went to pike place market, and walked a lot. By the final day I was toast. I slept on the flight home and probably 12 hours that night. I am frustrated I don't have the stamina I used to. I also am sick for the second time this month. I am so busy doing things because I want to have as much fun as possible before I go back to work but my health is suffering a bit. 

One year later I still feel a bit vulnerable about my health. I look back in awe of what I have been through. I am still gaining my strength and confidence.  I hope I continue to improve and progress. I am thankful I am one of the lucky ones.

 

       

Appointment with Doctor Hunter

I met with Dr. Hunter last Wednesday and it was a good session.  We talked a lot about my return to work and my concerns with going back to a bad environment.    I do feel ready to rip off the bandaid and to see what it will be like. He offered a different perspective on my director though, which was to think about any redeeming qualities she might have that you can learn from, instead of just focusing on any negative perceptions I have heard. It is good advice. I have had horrible managers before, and yet I always learn one way or the other.  Some good things and some things not to do.  This director is very focused on client service and innovation.  I think there is a lot to learn there for anyone.  But what I can bring to the table is building a strong team, based on trust, collaboration and high engagement. I've done it before and I can do it again, even with new staff on board. So we will see!

I have heard that this director treats work as "her life" - and when I said this, Dr. Hunter said "well doesn't that mean your team is your family?"  I loved this. It's a great point and I feel like how you treat people is key to having them deliver for you.

We also talked about self care and how I need to keep up with that. I must remember to schedule work around self care and not the other way around. 

I mentioned that my online friend just had a recurrence - she finished treatment in the Fall and it is back in the very same spot.  When I got that news, it made me really think about why I let work stress me out.  Work is not as important as your overall quality of life!  I can only imagine what Tracy is feeling right now, it is mind boggling. Work troubles are very small in comparison.

Last return to work session

I had my final return to work session last week also.  I am sad to have it end as it has helped me tremendously but at the same time I do feel ready to "graduate" :)

We did the same survey we completed in session 1, to see our readiness to go back to work. My scores have improved a lot in terms of the desire to go back, and the anxiety has lessened.  I know it will be a transition and there will be stress, but I feel I have more tools to deal with it, which is amazing. The course really has boosted my confidence to go back to work.  I just have to remember my guiding principles, to be an advocate for myself, and to make a commitment to self-care first!  A healthy me is a helpful me. 

Branch Day and RTW planning

Last week I went into "work" for the first time in almost a year. I attended the morning part of a Branch Day session.  I was good to see everyone, some of whom I haven't seen since diagnosis.  Everyone was nice.  Lots of comments saying "you look great"! Some weird ones like "is it all gone?" lol.  I guess that's a preview of what I can expect going back to work!

I did notice that the morale of the team is a bit low.  And as of this week, 4 staff have left my team (of 7).  It is concerning to me that the branch culture has changed so much that retention and engagement is an issue.  I will have to see it for myself when I return.

My return to work plan has been signed off by all parties. It did take some back and forth with my employer, however my 8 week gradual return has been accepted, including one day per week working from home during that period.  The insurance company reassured my employer that the plan is completely reasonable given my medical history.  So my first day back is July 5, for 4 hours, 10am-2pm (to avoid the commute during rush hour).  I am nervous but I am also trying to enjoy the rest of my time off in the meantime.  I can deal with things when I get there.

A good reminder

I saw this posted by someone else on LinkedIn. I love work but this is a good reminder!! Love you first!

Today is bittersweet. 

Today is my last day with a company that I thought I would call home for a very, very long time. No, my position is not being eliminated, my company is not closing.

I made the difficult decision to move on from something that I loved. 

Why?

Because it was killing me. 

Killing my work/life balance. 

Killing my time spent with my husband.

Killing my passion for the industry that I've been successful in for well over a decade.

And it's not the company's fault; its mine.

For the last 15 years, I've never been able to turn myself off.

I've prioritized my work over my home life. 

I've prioritized early mornings over late night discussions. 

I've prioritized long meetings over long hugs.

I've prioritized deadlines over my own health.

I've prioritized the short term goals over long term dreams. 

And then it hit me. I'm working my life away. Literally.

My health has rapidly declined. 

I went through a divorce at age 26. 

I worked so many hours that I forgot my ADT code at home. 

I stayed at work so long that I missed my grandmothers birthday, and it was the last one she ever had.

I let my job rule every decision I made.

So I took back the ability to say 'No'.  

I took back my life and tomorrow I embark on a new journey that gives back to me.

I am so grateful ❤️

Hair update - 8 months post chemo