Hope

   

Community subgroups

Going through what I did with Angel in a way prepared me for my current life crisis. I immediately reached out to support groups online and was able to connect and get that lifeline from the start.  Being part of now the breast cancer community, I've noticed similar sub groups and divisions, just like in the babyloss community. 

I've seen some pretty bold commentary about breast cancer awareness and research, especially now that Breast cancer awareness month is almost upon us. The women with metastasized cancer and even more specifically young women in this group are asking for research and a cure specific to them. They don't like the "survivor" rhetoric and the pink ribbons. I think they feel their voice and their needs are marginalized in the community. Similar to how I felt at times in the babyloss community, as I am a mother to a stillborn child but did not go on to have a "rainbow" baby.

Again I feel my eyes have been opened to this whole new world, and another community with varying needs and concerns. 

I just hope there can be room for all of us.  I want to be a survivor of breast cancer. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about women with metastasized cancer and of course there should be research done to find a cure. Even if I do survive now, it could return later in a metastasized state, or someone I love could go through that, and I want treatment options to continue to improve. 

I just don't think we need to trample on the spirit of breast cancer awareness and survival. There are so many messages of hope and courage and resilience that would be lost.

Appointment with doctor Hunter

I finally met the hospital psychiatrist dr. hunter (who specializes in cancer/illness) yesterday. He was on vacation for all of August and unfortunately has a high demand of patients so it took awhile to get in to see him. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, when Angel died I saw a grief counsellor for 9-10 months but she wasn't a doctor per say.  This first session was a getting to know you one, and he asked me a lot of questions about my entire life, although spent a bit more of the time on my cancer story.  It was emotionally draining but also fascinating all the things he asked about.  It made me connect the dots on some things in my life and it felt good to spend a significant amount of time just getting some feelings out about my illness. He said that I have had three major stressors in a short period of time (Angel, Carmen's illness and death, and now my cancer diagnosis) and this would be a lot for anyone. 

It was interesting at the end of the session he gave sort of his clinical opinion of what he learned about me and my life, and said that I have a stable life with a good support system, and he feels like it would be good for us to meet once a month while I continue treatment, to address feelings and topics I am dealing with at the time. But he said that as treatment ends and I start to feel more like myself again, he expects I will want to get on with my life.  I think it sounds reasonable and helpful.

One of the things he made me realize is that because of the closeness in time, Carmen's death and my illness are somewhat intertwined for me. I saw what can happen first hand - young people die of cancer - and it is hard not to think about her very often. Plus it hasn't even been a year and I am still grieving that relationship. I know my cancer is different - type, stage, prognosis - and the outcome will be too. But logic doesn't always prevail in my mind. 

I also told him now that I have cancer, I realize I could have been a better support person for her. I just didn't know it. And his reply was - how could you?

Cancer is so much more than the physical components. I said that I have been basically trying to cope with chemo and haven't necessarily been processing all my emotions. I am knocked down for a week, start to feel better and then am knocked down again. He said he has heard this many times from other patients.  How can you deal with tough emotional issues when you are just trying to get by? 

I thought I was a resilient person before this - but chemo and confronting my own mortality has made me dig deeper than ever.

Last picc line change!

Today I went to the clinic for my last picc line change prior to my final chemo!

Can't wait to get this removed next week. Without the picc line, I will take hot showers with no Saran Wrap, I will be able to sleep on my side, I will be able to exercise, I will be able to lift heavy stuff by myself like grocery bags, lift poochie into the bath tub. Oh I can't wait. I will feel so free! Needless to say I was happy to say goodbye to the clinic today :)

 

Give back to yourself

You choose

Impatient to feel good again

My body feels old. I was told the fatigue from chemo is cumulative and I am feeling that today. It seems like the Tuesday after chemo I am exhausted, maybe it is the steroids wearing off.

I miss my body, what I was capable of before. I took Mimi for a walk today and it totally wore me out. 

I also am sick of looking sick. I am as bald as can be, and have no eyebrows or eyelashes left.  The steroids have made me puffy and bloated and because I have little energy I know I have gained weight during chemo. I wonder when I can really work out again like a hardcore workout. If by some miracle I can do a couple before surgery I would be happy.   My plan is to start with yoga and pilates, and maybe the elliptical too and go from there. I know I have to listen to my body. 

Women on my support group talk about the fatigue sticking around for quite some time and that's the last thing I want to hear! I am impatient to feel good again!

Run for the cure

My friend Shannon is doing the run for the cure for me in October!  She is such an amazing friend.

I've shared her fundraising page with friends and family and am so touched by the support and donations. :)

http://cibcrunforthecure.supportcbcf.com/site/TR?px=5074065&pg=personal&fr_id=2569&s_locale=en_CA&et=4s1DvICeSJKPfhU1yJi17A&s_tafId=110885

Chemo #7 complete!

Second last chemo is in the bag! It was a long day at the hospital. We got there at 8 but didn't finish til about 3:30. Every chair and bed was in use in the treatment room! 

I had my blood taken and dressing changed and then waited quite a while for the doctor. Dr. Amir wasn't there so I saw one of his fellows. No concerns with my side effects but she didn't want to eliminate the pre meds so I still had to take the steroids and benedryl. 

After we saw the doctor I waited a bit more for treatment to begin. I saw a woman and her husband that I had met a couple times before and her husband chatted us up in the waiting area after she went in. He said his wife was first diagnosed when she was 47, and went into remission until she was 64. She started to have some leg pain and actually fell and broke her leg at the cottage. It was then determine it has metastasized to her bones. She was monitored for 15 years after her first diagnosis but then stopped, and that's when it came back. She has been treated for 7 years for the bone cancer, and is now 71. Her husband said that given how much time they have had together since the first diagnosis, they do not feel short changed. Their children have all grown and they have 5 grandchildren. He said what they learned is to not wait to do things. If you want to travel somewhere do it!  At the end of the conversation he said that I will be fine. The whole thing really touched me and gave me hope.

Soon after I went in for treatment.

My regular nurses were busy so I had a male nurse named Jason this time. I got a bed again which was nice. He was very organized so the actual treatment moved along well, but didn't get started til about 11. Long day but I feel excited too. One more to go!!  And then goodbye chemo!

Here are some photos of me, and icing my toes, and some inspiration.

Surgery date

Got my surgery date! It is November 7th. Things are moving along! I have pre- surgery class on October 25th. 

17 days til my last chemo!!

Positive affirmations

Warrior women

I am part of an online support group for women with breast cancer and the women I've met are truly warriors! So this is a bit of an ode to them and recognition of what they have taught me. 

The person who runs the group, Jill, is 7 years out from her diagnosis, she is a survivor, and could easily have left the breast cancer world behind rather than lead the group.  She is truly paying it forward by offering this type of support for women coming after her. I have to ask myself if I would do it. But she does inspire me to do something, to give back, when I am in recovery and have the strength to do it.

Another woman, Jo, has metastasized breast cancer but you would not know it. She is truly inspirational in how she seizes every day. She just went back to college! This is not a woman who gives up or gets down. She lifts us all up.

Finally someone I have connected with probably the most, Tracy, is a younger woman like me, has the same type of breast cancer and also had a stillbirth. She has an amazing sense of humor. She has been put through the wringer and her chemo was even stopped after 3 sessions because of her poor reaction, including blood clots in her lungs and hospital admissions. She wasn't given the choice to complete chemo as her oncologist thought the chemo might kill her.  Seeing her go through this made me really reflect and be grateful that I can continue chemo without any serious consequences to me.  And she still supports me, and others, despite all that is going on with her health. She messaged me and calmed me down when I got the picc line put in. She and I have both been through a lot in our lives and it helps to have a connection like that.

These are just 3 of the women in the group but many others have their own stories, their own amazing spirits and kind hearts. They are warrior women!

A real storm

Side effects of chemo #6

Similar to last round, I have had much of the same side effects including a flushed face on Friday, bone pain from Saturday to Monday and off and on tingling in my feet. The fatigue is still a biggie too.

I took Claritin and Advil this time and the pain was better. Still there but at least it felt like the Advil was working, unlike the Tylenol 3.

I have been told the fatigue is cumulative and I think it has been a bit harder to bounce back. But the countdown is on, 3 weeks til my last chemo! Two more sessions to go :)

I know I won't magically feel better when it is done but it will be a huge accomplishment and relief.

Follow up appointment with Dr. Easson

Today Jeff and I went to my follow up appointment with Dr. Easson, my surgical  oncologist.  It was an interesting feeling being back in that office again. So much has happened since June 15th when we first met with her and she said I should do chemo first. Today Jeff and I talked about how far we have come. It is a good feeling!! I feel like I am much more knowledgable and confident in my treatment plan. And being almost done chemo is huge. I remember when I booked this, it felt like so far away. And yet here we are!!

The doctor examined me and could not feel anything. She almost cheered when she was done! It was very encouraging.

We then talked about the surgery. At a minimum she will be doing a lumpectomy and remove the node that I also had a biopsy of. I forgot this but they put clips in the lump and the node, so both will be removed.  She said that the biopsy of the node was clear but to be safe they will remove it and look at it during surgery to see if there is anything, and if there is, I will have more nodes removed. She doesn't expect this to be the case but it is a possibility and I had to sign consent to this. If it is just the lump and node removal then I will be going home the same day. 

They will be calling me with a surgery date in early November. Feels like things are moving forward and I am looking forward to this next step.

The infamous neulasta shot

This is the shot I give myself after every chemo to help my white blood cell count... And below is the lovely price tag for each one! 

Chemo #6 complete!

I am officially 75 percent done chemo! Only two more to go. The end is really in site now.

Yesterday ran very smoothly and for that I am grateful. We got there at 8 and they did my blood and cleaned my picc almost right away.  We spoke to the doctor shortly after and he confirmed my side effects all seemed normal, in terms of the flushed face the day after (said it was probably the steroids) and the bone pain. I asked if I could try Advil for the bone pain and he said that is fine, it may cause heartburn but if it does I can use tums. I am hoping an anti inflammatory will be a better fix for the bone pain. It will most likely start tomorrow again.

I mentioned my nails are changing colour so he said to put the ice on my hands and feet this time during treatment, which I did. 

We talked about my follow up with dr. Easson (the surgeon) next week and he said she will probably get me to do another mri before the surgery date. I expected that would be the case, as they need to check what if any of the lump is left. 

I didn't wait long for treatment to start either. My nurse was Nancy and she was on it! She also asked if I wanted a bed this time and I said yes. It wasn't busy so Jeff also get a recliner chair for himself. She is so great, such a nice woman.  It was more comfortable than the chair and the benedryl they give me knocks me out!  My oncologist said that I could potentially skip the pre drugs for the last two sessions since I am not nauseous and am reacting ok. I hope that is the case! The steroids give me insomnia so I'd love to cut those out.

We finished around 2:30, which was quicker than last time. So far so good. I feel ok today, and am hoping the bone pain is manageable this time.

Oh another lovely side effect, my eyebrows and eyelashes are falling out now :(

At least it is toward the end of chemo so hopefully they will grow back in October. I am getting good at drawing eyebrows lol

Here are some photos from yesterday. And alittle motivation. 

It's up to us

Ha!

The look ahead

Every Canadian probably knows that gord downie of the tragically hip has brain cancer. But did you know his wife had breast cancer 5 years ago? His album at the time "now for plan A" had many songs related to their journey, and Jeff came across an interview with downie where he talks about the personal circumstances.  Towards the end of the interview the reporter asks him about the song the look ahead - there is a line at the end "Come on honey just give me that look ahead."  He talks about how it means that SHE knows it is going to be alright. No matter what. He says, "she's got it, she always had it, but it diminished at that moment a little bit, and you realize how much you need it, how much I rely on it, and she's got it back."

I've certainly had those moments when I couldn't see much farther than the current pain, and that's when Jeff and my other family and friends have helped me move past it. I am sure there will be more.

It's hard be strong and positive one hundred percent of the time. But that doesn't mean I am giving up!!

This interview gave me perspective on what others might be feeling about me as I fight the cancer. It hurts my heart a little bit. 

https://youtu.be/x4k57AZ92tM

Breast cancer PSA

http://blog.thebreastcancersite.com/first-haircut-psa/?utm_source=bcs-wearpr&utm_medium=social-fb&utm_term=20160902&utm_content=link&utm_campaign=first-haircut-psa&origin=bcs_wearpr_social_fb_link_first-haircut-psa_20160902

The M word

The "m" word in the cancer world is metastasized. This means the cancer has spread to other areas of your body.  Many people probably think cancer is a scary word but I think metastasized is scarier.

I feel very lucky that my breast cancer was detected early and my other scans were clear. That is an optimistic situation. And I really do believe I will have a positive outcome. Unless told otherwise, I intend to be deemed cancer free in early 2017.

But because of my diagnosis and also seeing my cousin deal with her colon cancer, my eyes are wide open now that life isn't always fair and there are lots of poor outcomes out there.  I am in an online support group for woman with breast cancer and several have metastasized cancer and some are essentially in a palliative care situation. I feel for them and know it must be incredibly difficult. 

 

In the last 5 years I have been smacked in the face with a few (too many!) experiences that make me realize how precious life is - and also how unfair - and the thing I take away is no matter what always try to be grateful. 

Forget the fear. Live as present as possible. Love and laugh and live!!!

It is so important to make the most out of the time you have because you never know when your time is up. It is not something we control.  But you can control your attitude and intention while you are here.