Hair update #7

12 weeks post chemo hair! Slow and steady wins the race right? Lol

Happy new year! 🎊 

 

 

Double digits!

Today was radiation #10,

So I am now in double digits and also one third of the way done! Woot!

Love your life

 

Courage

"You can't show courage without fear."

I saw this quote on Facebook and it really resonated with me.   Being diagnosed with cancer was one of the most frightening experiences I have had, and I spent a lot of time in 2016 being full of fear.  I hope I never feel that frightened again.

Having something like this happen to you, there is always alittle fear that stays with you - because you have confronted your own mortality and you realize things aren't in your control.  All you can try to do is live in the moment, and appreciate every day.  There are no guarantees in this life.  But you can have courage and be grateful.

To all my breast cancer sisters, we are queens of courage!

The best gift 🎁

So much to be grateful for this Christmas. My treatment has gone as well as it could and the best gift for me and my loved ones is to be a cancer survivor. 

It's a second chance. Every day is truly a gift.

 

 

Hair update #6

Hair update 11 weeks post chemo. It is really coming in, in the back. I expect the front will fill out in a couple weeks.

Merry Christmas!🎁🎄 

 

 

 

Amazing article by an oncology nurse turned patient - Must read!

https://herecomesthesun927.com/2016/11/14/dear-every-cancer-patient-i-ever-took-care-of-im-sorry-i-didnt-get-it/

You are enough

“Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgement you have about what you should be or could be doing, and today, allow yourself to simply be. Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual, but it gets you nowhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So stop fixating on where everyone else is, and start giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are. 

Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough. You are enough.” 

– Daniell Koepke

You've been assigned this mountain

 

Week one done!

Today was my 5th radiation session, so I am now one week down, 5 to go.

I read somewhere that radiation is a bit like experiencing groundhog day and I can see how that is the case. It gets repetitive and blends together a bit.

Of the 5 sessions I have had, 3 were on time, and 2 were 30-40 min late.  Not much I can do about it! Apparently they see 400 patients a day for radiation, and with the weather lately not everyone is one time.  Today, they were having issues with the machine so it wasn't anyones fault. I could tell the techs felt bad about it.

Feeling alittle bit of fatigue but that could be the early mornings and the fact that I am still working out :)  My skin seems to be holding up ok so far, it is itchy in some parts at times but the colour hasn't changed much yet which is great.

Tomorrow I see the doctor for my weekly checkup.  Onward and upward!

Hair update #5

10 weeks post chemo hair - taken after I exercised this morning. Wish it would grow faster already! But happy things are happening. Lol

 

2 down and 28 to go

I've completed 2 sessions radiation and the actual treatment is quick and easy.  I lie down and the radiation techs position the machine - this takes the most time - and then they leave the room and the radiation starts. The machine revolves around and stops periodically and there is buzzing.

Eventually they come back in and say I'm done!

I am with treatment team 14 and here are some pic from today when I was waiting to go in.

Over time I am sure I will have more side effects but so far so good.

Also they have given me mostly early mornings for the next week or so, which I am glad about.  The most tedious part really is the drive!  

 

 

Here we go again!

Radiation starts tomorrow! I can't say I am looking forward to it but at least it is the last leg of this journey. Dr Conrad said that without radiation the recurrence rate is 15-20 percent and with it, it goes down to less than 5 percent. So it is a no brainer of course. I have to throw everything I can at it, as with triple negative there is no hormonal treatment like with other breast cancers. 

Praying for all to go well for this next process and also hoping for good driving weather if at all possible.

 

A lot left to live for

 

Hair update #4

9 weeks past chemo and the back is filling in quite a bit! The front hairline is getting there too but it is slower than the rest still :)

 

 

Brows and lashes are close to fully back!

 

A couple of new ornaments for the tree :)

Bought these beautiful ornaments off a Canadian seller on Etsy :)

 

 

Radiation start date

I finally received my radiation start date, my first session will be Wednesday, December 14th, at 4:05pm.  Lousy time but the person who called said that hopefully they will try to work with my request for mornings going forward. I think I will be getting weekly schedules, so it may not be the same time each day.   The sessions should be about half an hour so that's good, and I will also have to see my oncologist every Wednesday, so that will extend the time at the hospital on those days. I have to do 30 sessions, and with the weeks of Christmas and New years being only 4 days (no sessions on the Mondays), if all goes well I will be done January 26th.

I am really hoping it all goes well and that I have minimal burning and peeling.  I have seen pictures though, of other women in my online group, and they did burn and peel quite badly near the end. The key is to moisturize several times a day. 

30 sessions is the max anyone can do.  Just like chemo, they are really throwing this at me!  Given other women I know have done 20 or so sessions and had bad burns I am a bit nervous.  But they did heal quite quickly and well. 

I have to wait 4 weeks to be in the sun, so we booked our Jamaica trip for March 1-10, which is 5 weeks after I finish.  I should be healed by then :)
It is nice to have something to look forward to!  That trip will be well deserved for sure.  After the marathon of these past months, I can't wait to do something fun and indulgent.

Racing against time

https://www.facebook.com/RethinkBreastCancer/videos/10154581184302552/

Appointments with dr Amir and dr Hunter

First off I have to say how much respect and admiration I have for these two doctors. Well all the doctors on my team really. 

I saw dr Amir yesterday as the follow up to the pathology report. It was a bit anti climactic as I knew the results already but still nice to close the loop and to thank him for everything he has done for me. Really the chemo regime he put me through, as much as it sucked like nothing I have ever done before, saved my life. How can you thank someone enough for that? 

I also took the opportunity to ask about chemo brain, and he told me it usually hits it worst peak 6 weeks after chemo (which was 2 weeks ago for me) and it may get better in 6 months to a year, it varies by patient. I hope it gets better before I go back into the workplace. I might try doing brain exercises.

Dr Amir said I can come back to see him in six months as my last appointment to discuss any concerns or lingering side effects. It is a bit scary that I won't be under his care anymore. But I think my surgeon will continue to see me regularly.

I went to my appointment with dr Hunter next.  It was a great session, I always feel so validated and less weighed down after we talk.

I recapped my last month and the surgery and pathology report and he seemed genuinely happy for me that the cancer is gone!  I talked to him about how cancer is a crap shoot, and with the anniversary of Carmen's death also this month I said how crazy and unfair it is that if you don't catch it early enough you are screwed. I get to be here and she doesn't and I do feel like a bit of survivor guilt about that. But what was I going to do, lay down and die? Not a chance and she wouldn't want that either.   Given how emotional this month has been I told him how I feel grateful but also exhausted and he said of course you do.

Even with the good news, I still have trouble sleeping through the night. I usually wake up around 2am and am awake for an hour or more. He suggested trying a meditation app that I can use anytime really but I can turn it on when I wake up in the middle of the night like that, to try to get my body back to a restful state.

I am hopeful it will help.

Overall it was a good day at the hospital. Still waiting to hear when radiation starts. I may not have to go down at all this coming week, which will be a nice break before 6 weeks of treatment.

Hair update #3

Right now I have an old mans receeding hairline style going on hence I will still show only the back. Things are moving along!

My eyebrows and lashes are coming in too :)

I am 8 weeks past my last chemo. I did think I would be a bit farther along by now but I am still happy.

 

 

Radiation tattoos and other updates

Yesterday I had my appointment for the radiation tattoos and it all went well and fairly easily.  I got there and they took some measurements, then did the CT scan to check placement, and did 4 little dot tattoos to mark the area for radiation.   They are very small and not that noticeable so I am happy! there is one sort of in my cleavage area but I don't think it will impact me wearing a bathing suit or certain types of clothing. 

They said I will be called in 3-5 days and I will be told when my radiation starts, usually a week to two weeks later.  I am thinking it will start the week of December 12th, which means I will end closer to late January.  The radiation oncologist had said I shouldn't be out in the sun for 4 weeks after the end of treatment, so Jeff and I are thinking of planning our trip to Jamaica (which I can't wait for!) probably in early March.

Tomorrow I go to see my medical oncologist to review the pathology report (my surgeon said he probably just wants to gloat that the chemo worked so well!).  She told me he may be leaving, so I want to ask who will take over for him, and if I do regular follow ups with him or not.  I also want to ask about the chemo brain.  This is the most worrying residual side effect from chemo for me right now.  Chemo affects your cognitive ability.  My short term memory is crap right now.  I think of something I need to do, and if I don't write it down right away or put it on a list, I have trouble recalling even 10 minutes later sometimes.  This would be a major problem at work.  I have heard that it doesn't last forever but I do want to ask about it and mention my concerns.  I also have trouble sometimes thinking of words in the moment.   Given before my diagnosis, I was a word warrior, and a strong multi-tasker, I do feel somewhat incompetent in those areas right now.

When we saw the radiation oncologist last week, we asked about end of treatment and returning to work.  Jeff expressed concern about me going back right after treatment is over and how the insurance company is already calling us for updates etc.  Dr. Conrad said that she recommends patients stay off work for at least 3 months after treatment is over, and that she spends a lot of time dealing with insurance companies so if they are harassing me, to send them her way.   She also said that when you return to work, the expectation is you are 100 percent, and that is another great reason not to rush back.    I was so relieved to hear her support.   It is not like this has been a fucking vacation!  My body and my mind have gone through the wringer, and I need time to recover, and feel more like myself again.  

Family celebration

I was in Ottawa last weekend and we had a family celebration dinner,

Here are some pics. So much to be grateful for!

 

 

 

 

 

 

7 things I learned when I got breast cancer

https://www.buzzfeed.com/alicepurkiss/7-things-i-learned-when-i-got-breast-cancer?utm_term=.rgq5nB9Yn#.nlD5kGoYk

Surgery results and radiation planning

Yesterday Jeff and I met with the surgeon to hear about my pathology report. I am so relieved and grateful that she said there was no evidence of cancer left in what they removed! I got my pathological complete response! Woohoo!   This is the best possible outcome and means I have a better chance of avoiding recurrence.   She said that for triple negative cancer survivors if you go 5 years without a recurrence you are considered cured.   I will be seeing her again in April for my first follow up. Sounds like she will be tracking me and will be monitoring me going forward.

After the meeting with the surgeon we went over to princess Margaret for the appointment with the radiation oncologist.  We went over the plan for radiation, which will be 6 weeks in total. She said the side effects are mostly topical, and I will likely end up with burnt skin by the end of treatment and potentially some peeling too. I have to apply unscented lotion to the area regularly.   The other side effect is fatigue.

It shouldn't be as bad as chemo fatigue though. There also isn't an infection risk while on radiation so I am glad about that.

Next week I will go for a ct scan where they determine the area of radiation (right breast and lymph nodes) and do very small dot tattoos to mark it.  Radiation will start a couple of weeks after this appointment.

The journey continues, but I would say I was officially cancer free on November 8th!

 

Hair update #2

So I thought I would do a little hair update although progression is still a bit slow. Here is a comparison of November 10th and 19th. Things are starting to happen! Hopefully it will just grow faster and thicker from here :)

Also my eyelashes and brows are starting to grow! So happy about that. Still early days but I am hopeful I will soon be able to stop drawing the eyebrows on and can wear mascara again!

 

Post surgery update

It's been about a week and a half since my surgery and physically I am recovering quite well. I am much less sore. I still have the steri strips on so I haven't seen the incisions yet but hopefully they are healing ok. I've been doing the arm exercises and I have full mobility in my arm and shoulder which is great.  I see the doctor next Wednesday. 

Jeff has gone back to work and Mimi and I miss him a lot. Sometimes cancer can be pretty lonely. I am trying to keep busy with different things and I am going to start exercising again which I am happy about.

I've finished two major hurdles now, with chemo and surgery.  It's funny because some people are saying to me "you're almost done!"

And yes I am 2/3s done but I still have 6 weeks of radiation coming up Monday to Friday. That is a lot of hospital time!  As much as I would like off this cancer treatment train and have a normal life again, I am not yet done this marathon.  It truly is an emotional and physical marathon.

Someone said to me the other day, "I sometimes forget you have cancer." Well unfortunately I can't forget. Even if I am having a good mental day, I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself - it's an instant reminder of where I am at right now.

I went through something incredibly tragic losing my daughter. It took years to recover and killed part of me.  And I can say this current test is just as goddamn fucking hard, in different ways. It is taking a resilience that is sometimes hard to muster. 

Luckily I have a few more weeks break to regroup before radiation starts -- from a physical and mental perspective it is so important.

 

Your life is a sacred journey

 

Repeat after me

 

Hair update #1

Well I am certainly am learning patience while I wait for some hair growth after chemo!! 

It's been 5 and a half weeks and I have some growth but it is mostly a fuzz on my head. No eyebrows or lashes yet. 

I've been using watermans grow me shampoo and also alternating with another shampoo called fortica. I have also tried a weekly serum that I heard about from my wig shop. And I am applying coconut oil at night. I am also taking hair skin and nails gummie vitamins with biotin.

For the eyebrows I tried something called lash science with little results and now am trying castor oil at night. I am starting to see a couple small sprouts lol

I am hoping as I get farther away from chemo that the speed of growth will pick up.   I was hoping to go wigless by Christmas but that may be ambitious!

Here is a photo of my hair growth as of last Saturday. I might start doing weekly pics to show growth. Please hair gods be nice to me!! Lol

 

Looking fear in the face

 

Surgery day

Tuesday was surgery day, and Jeff and I got up bright and early to be at princess Margaret hospital by 7am.

We dropped Mimi at the dog sitter the night before and I am glad we did because we didn't get home until about 6:30pm. 

I got to the hospital and checked in at the short term stay unit on the 18th floor. A nurse then did a pre-op assessment and asked me a bunch of questions for my chart. She gave me gowns to change in to and then we waited for awhile as I was scheduled to get the wire placement at 9, the dye at 10 (at mount Sinai) and surgery at 12:15.  

Another nurse escorted us to the 3rd floor for the wire placement. She had an Angel pin on her scrubs and it made me feel better :)

An ultrasound tech and radiologist worked together to locate my lump/clip area using the ultrasound and then froze the area and placed the wire. They taped it down so it wasn't sticking out too.  The ultrasound tech made a comment about the lump shrinking a lot but didn't say it was completely gone, which made me nervous. I am/was hoping it was gone. But based on past experience I won't rely on a tech anyways - more than one had said it looked like fibroademona during my diagnostic tests.

I waited around for quite a while before I was taken to the nuclear medicine area of mount Sinai.  They took me over in a wheelchair which was a bit odd but I guess hospital protocol. They injected the dye and then were able to identify my sentinal nodes for the surgeon, so the biopsy could be done. These are the nodes that are most likely to have cancer if it spreads. 

I went directly to the surgery area next as I was running behind. When I got there I felt a bit swarmed by nurses, the anastetic resident and another nurse in training. They explained how the anastetic would work and asked me a bunch of questions about my health and previous surgeries. They tried several times to find a vein in my left arm, which I was afraid of happening since my veins are small and are even worse since chemo. Eventually the main anesthesiologist who was watching from afar said to take a break and bring me in the operating room.    

I was wheeled in and that's when my surgeon gave everyone the business! She was pissed because they were all around me and she hadn't had a chance to "speak to the patient." I felt bad for the nursing team! But my surgeon came over and she was very kind to me and reassured me she would take care of me. She said I had already done the hard part with chemo. I was super nervous at this point, as I don't like being put under and I was worried about the surgery, so it helped to get her reassurance.

The main anesthesiologist then took over looking for a vein. He tried three more times I think.  Finally they found one and everyone started getting me ready. It felt like greys anatomy! All these people around me and some just there learning/assisting. I remember someone going over my chart and the procedure for the team, and then they put an oxygen mask on me. A couple minutes later I was out and then the next memory was the recovery room.  When I woke up I just felt out of it and thirsty.  My surgeon came in awhile later and told me everything went very well and also that the lymph nodes were negative!!!  I said thank god, and she said that's what your husband said too :)

Once I woke up a bit more I was wheeled back to the short term stay unit, and Jeff walked along with me.  There was another woman in my room when we got back. I got into bed for awhile, and they gave me some morphine for pain, and eventually ate something too. I started to feel nauseous so I asked for gravol, which made me very sleepy.  I was there from about 3:30 til 5:45. I asked a couple times if I could leave and they wanted me to wait a bit longer.  The other woman in the room with me was chatting it up with her friend and there wasn't much privacy. It was noisy and not very comfortable so I am glad I didn't have to stay overnight.

I was pretty glad to get home to my own bed. Almost 48 hours later I feel pretty decent. I am sore and a bit tired but I have been taking Tylenol extra strength and that seems good enough!   I go back to see the surgeon on November 23rd to review the pathology report. I will be still hoping for a pathological complete response - meaning chemo destroyed the cancer completely. But whatever the outcome I feel like the cancer is gone at this point. The surgery got rid of anything that remained, and radiation is just my insurance policy. :)

 

View from the hospital room

 

 

Embrace the uncertainty

 

To do list

 

Jillian micheals junkie

I've accomplished more than I thought I would between end of chemo and surgery, in terms of exercising again. I was able to do several of jillians workout DVDs, including beginner shred level 1 and 2, kickboxing and yoga inferno :)

I am proud of myself! I am not quite at the level I was before but it is still great to feel well enough to complete them. I posted about it on my Facebook group, Jillian micheals junkies, and I got a ton of encouragement! Also I think others felt I inspired them too. #noexcuses!

 

 

Surgery nerves and session with Dr Hunter

I've been feeling a bit nervous about my surgery on Tuesday. I don't like being put under Anesthetic and I worry what they will find in the sentinal node even though it will likely be fine. Chemo did its job and the lump shrunk so things are pointing in the right direction.  

I had another session with doctor hunter this week so it helped to talk about things and he did actually make me feel calmer about everything. He has such a calm demeanor and is a kind person, I can see why he is good at his job!

We had a discussion about how cancer patients are often encouraged to "think positive" by our friends or family, and my therapist said he prefers "think authentically". It's ok to feel all the emotions and get them out. Less baggage that way. He also said there is no scientific link to being positive and beating cancer, and not to feel bad if you have moments or days that you feel overwhelmed or sad. I really like the term think authentically, and I am not really scared of discussing worst case scenarios as I have thought about them all already.  It doesn't mean I don't have hope or the will to fight. It is normal to worry and it helps to talk about my worries with those that are willing to listen.

We also talked about peer support and I said I appreciate the online groups but sometimes they scare me too. Someone in the main group I am in died last week. She was 52 and triple negative and leaves behind two teenage daughters.  As a show of support the group members change their profile picture to roses on the beach.  In my mind, if you want online support for yourself you also have to take the good with the bad. It is not all sunshine and rainbows- it is a cancer support group after all!! - but the support I have received from women that have experienced this before has helped me immensely in many ways.

I talked about how happy I am to be exercising again and that I realized how much I needed it and missed it, as it helps me feel better about myself and is a good stress reliever. I mentioned I will miss it after surgery and he reminded me it won't be forever. But he said that when you lose something important like that in your life it does feel like a loss. Again I felt so validated in how I was feeling.  

I am feeling more ready to go ahead with surgery now, only a few days to go.  Please say a little prayer for me on November 8th!

 

Realities of breast cancer

http://video.self.com/watch/realities-of-breast-cancer-treatment-nobody-talks-about

Surgery class

Yesterday I went to the hospital for surgery class. My surgery is now on November 8th at princess Margaret. 

The class was very informative but also a bit overwhelming! 

As far as I know I am having a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy. The sentinal node is looked at during surgery and if necessary I will have an axillary dissection. Given chemo has gone so well I am thinking the dissection won't happen, I really hope so anyways.

I was told they will be putting a thin flexible wire in the lump area and also in the sentinel node before surgery, so the surgeon can find it quickly. They will use an ultrasound to guide this procedure and will do a mammogram after to check placement. I also need to have dye injected for the sentinal node biopsy.

The surgery itself will be an hour and a half and then I will go to a recovery room for probably another hour or so. Then I go to an inpatient unit and then home.

I will have two incisions, one for the lump and one for the armpit, and there will be dissolvable stitches covered by steri strips and gauze. I will have to monitor for infection and I have a bunch of arm exercises to do to ensure I keep mobility in my arm and shoulder. 

I have to wear a bra with no underwire for 1-2 weeks. The incision should be healed within 2 weeks.

I am hoping as I am still young I will bounce back quickly from this. I am not looking forward to losing my mobility again, as I am just getting into exercising. But it must be done!

 

Chemo is done celebration dinner

We had a nice dinner celebration with jeffs family this past weekend :).  So glad chemo is over!!

 

 

 

 

Guess where I don't have to be today?

At chemo!!  Thank god the biweekly battering of my body is over. Thankful that I will just get stronger from here. 

Moving my body again

I've done the elliptical three times this week so far!  As someone who felt robbed of their mobility for 3-4 months it feels so good to be more active again, to work up a sweat and get my blood moving.  Each time I am feeling more confident in my body. :)

 

Don't let cancer steal one more moment

This was shared in one of my online groups and the advice is so good I wanted to share  

One year ago

One year ago on this weekend I ran a 5km race. 

 

Crazy how much has happpened since that time. I am lucky that before being diagnosed in June I had 3 amazing vacations, an awesome job and a general contentment with life.

I saw the memory come up on Facebook this morning and I decided to push myself just a little. I walked mimi which I do every day but then I did 45 minutes of yoga.  It was hard at times and I am definitely out of shape compared to before my diagnosis. But I did it! 

FU cancer!!!