I had another session with Dr. Hunter today. I know I've said it before but I feel so lucky to have him as my doctor and he has helped me so much this past year.
We talked about my return to work as I did my first "shift" yesterday. Surprisingly it felt somewhat natural to be back, despite all the changes. I sat in my office and it didn't really feel like much time had passed. Which is a bit confusing because obviously I have been gone 13 months! I am struggling with reconciling that a bit. I have a gap in knowledge of what has happened and what is happening now, and I wish I could magically update my brain to know all the details. In time it will happen.
My new director seems nice enough, so I am not jumping to any conclusions there. There are 3 sides to every story, the staff's side, her side and something in the middle that is probably the truth. What I did like is she showed some vulnerability and emotion to me, and that made her seem human. All in all I feel excited to get back into the work scene and use my brain again. And one of my new staff that was hired when I was off had breast cancer 2 years ago. She is in her early 30s. She has already become an informal "work buddy" to me, and is making sure I am doing ok.
Because I wasn't sure about the branch dynamic, I have been applying for other jobs and I have been called for an interview. I asked Dr. Hunter's advice on this as I am worried I am stressing myself out at a time that isn't ideal. But his advice was to go ahead with it, and I will know in my gut if it is a good fit or not by going through the process.
We talked about how either way I have a new perspective on work, and because of what I've been through, I have a broader perspective on what I want my life to be - work is part of it but not the central focus. Whatever job I am in, I can make sure I keep this perspective.
We spent a bit of time talking about the "lost time" from being off and how the world keeps on turning and things move ahead. Part of me resents the fact that I have lost the better part of a year. Or at least the 8-9 months of treatment. It forced me to put life on hold which is not easy for someone like me! And I think I still feel cheated. That may fade as time goes on.
I talked little bit about my frustration regarding my stamina too. I felt tired after 4 hours of work yesterday. I guess I can't be expected to go from zero to a hundred though. It's just frustrating not to be able to do as much as I used to - at least not yet. I felt the same at the end of our trip to Seattle, when I basically hit a wall of fatigue from all the travelling, time change and walking. This wouldn't have phased me quite as much before cancer. I hope with patience and training I can get my full physical and mental stamina back.
I am going to schedule one more session for September timeframe, as Dr. Hunter is away all of August. He said he'd like to see me at least one more time, when life is a bit more settled, to see how I am doing. I trust him and his advice, and so I look forward to catching up with him then.
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