I've been back to work for two and a half weeks now (part time/gradual return) and it was surprising how easy it has been in some ways and tough in others. The good news is I have been able to get into the swing of things pretty quickly. I am not managing my team yet but I am influencing things and helping them with hiring as they are quite understaffed. I have a project assigned to me and am doing fine with that (retreat planning that I managed 4-5 times already in this ministry, so I am familiar with what needs to happen). I feel like my ability to multi-task and get things done pretty efficiently has returned - maybe not as great as I was but its getting there.
I have a hard time sticking to the reduced hours. I want to be up to speed on everything that has happened and is happening and I find it hard not to be involved in all aspects of my job yet. But I am trying. I am getting into a bit of a rhythm. There hasn't been pressure from anyone to do more than I can, other than my own internal self-pressure!
So what's the problem? Well, in some ways it feels like a brand new job. 4 of my staff have left with number 5 leaving at end of august (out of 8). I have a new director, and we are hiring new staff. It is almost a total rebuild situation. Some of the people left there aren't happy. The director has influenced a not very supportive culture, and my colleague manager was crying in my office on my second day. It scares me. So far things are going ok with me, but I worry about how it will be when I am back to full duties and the expectations set in. Not an ideal situation, I'd rather have stability and familiarity but what can you do. It is what it is.
In some ways I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I never got sick. Would 5 staff have left? Would the branch be in shambles like it is now? Would the culture have shifted so much? Would I have been considered for the director position? It's hard not to think about all that stuff, and link it to my illness. It makes me feel a bit cheated again.
I am not sure this is the right place for me longterm. I have to figure that out. If I never got sick, I would be due for a move, just from a career advancement perspective. So why not move?
Other challenges are just fatigue. I get tired after working 4-5 hours. I am so glad I am doing the gradual return and am building up my stamina. I am hopeful I will get back to where I was before. But I am bit nervous too.
It didn't take long to get back onto the "hamster wheel" though - and I need to remember my priorities and the importance of self-care. Sometimes I forget what I went through. I just go and do things, and push myself, like I would before cancer. In a way it's nice to forget. But I also need to make sure I take care of myself first.
I find myself thinking about work when I am not there. I have always been bad at that. But as I was dwelling on things yesterday, I was reminded of a lovely woman I met on my breast cancer group on Facebook - it popped up that we became friends at this time last year. Her name was Jo and she was stage 4....she's the one who was so lovely and positive, and she even went back to college - she really inspired me with her attitude about life, even when she was so ill. She died a few months after I came to know her. And so I was reminded again how short life is and to STOP fussing about work. What will be will be. All I can do is do my best and be grateful for where I am now, be grateful I was healthy enough to return, as it doesn't always work out that way for people.
I think I need to bring a reminder to work to keep me in check. My turtle - which I made in art therapy - hasn't made it to the office yet. I think it's time to bring it in. I was also thinking of doing a sticky note on my screen with my #1 guiding principle - "Harmony, Balance and Well-being is your number one priority." If I see it every day, hopefully I can live this more deliberately!!
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