On November 8th I was officially one year cancer free. One year since my surgery date, where shortly after my pathological complete response from chemo was confirmed.
Hard to believe a year has passed. I am very very grateful to be in a much better place now. I am exercising regularly, working full-time, trying to eat healthy and take care of myself. I still am not at my previous stamina (who knows if I ever will be), and I have some lingering side effects from treatment, mostly the neuropathy from chemo and maybe a touch of chemo brain still. I combat the chemo brain by making lots of notes. This is especially important for coping at work, where there is a lot of different moving parts. My skin is still darker near my neck, where my radiation was really bad/skin was super burnt. My radiation oncologist said that might be with me for life (sigh). I still have a noticeable scar on my breast and under my armpit. I don't really care though - I wear bathing suits where it isn't concealed and I don't care if people notice. It is part of my body and my story. All in all I can't complain. I am here, and I am thriving as much as I can.
I still have fear of recurrence. Actually it has been amplified leading up to this one year milestone. And maybe partly because it is coming up to the anniversary of Carmen's death. 2 years already.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The fear flares up and sometimes it can be consuming. Luckily it does pass and I can focus on other things. It's a blessing and a curse. It's hard to carry that anxiety around with me all the time (even if it isn't always at the forefront). It's also a constant reminder to live life in the present, practice mindfulness, and be happy first and foremost right now.
Only God knows the plans for me, but I am hopeful I will have many more cancer free years to come. I can only pray for that.
In the meantime, I am celebrating. Jeff and I went to Nassau for a week and had an awesome time.
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