Skin and Hair update

Well despite being done treatment, I am still living with the side effects of radiation. My neck, breast and armpit are pretty discoloured, but my neck is the worst - it is red, peeling/blistering and still hurts.   My armpit is brown and peeling but not blistered.  I am doing saline soaks 4 times a day and that seems to be helping. It hurts to put anything rough near my neck, so even walking the dog I try to be careful, putting a soft scarf around my neck before I put on my jacket.  Can't wait til the skin heals!! It may take a few weeks for the colour to get back to normal.

16 weeks post chemo and my hair is pretty filled in, which makes me happy.  No more bald spots.  Now I just need it to grow, grow, grow!  Maybe with less stress on my body it will pick up the pace.

My skin on Friday - ouch!!!

 

A bit better today 

 

Hair - 16 weeks post chemo 

 

I'm a survivor!!!

 

 

 

 

Treatment complete!

Yesterday was my last radiation session. I was very excited to swipe my card for the last time! Everything went very smoothly and I was done by 8:20! They gave me a book about life after treatment which I am looking forward to reading, I hope it will help me cope with the transition. When I left the hospital I felt such a surge of relief take over my body. I got to the car and cried. And I took a little video to capture the emotion of that moment. Happy happy tears!!!

 

 

 

I've done all I could

It feels a bit strange to be finishing treatment.  Fighting cancer has been my full time job since June.  My body and mind will take sometime to wind down after months of being on high alert, in a state of tension and constantly digging in to get to the end of this marathon.

There is something comforting being in active treatment.  As much as I have hated it, for the last 7-8 months I knew that the cancer is being fought and I am winning.

As treatment ends, I need to try to find peace with that, and believe that I killed it all and it will not come back.

I do believe I was cancer free on November 8th, the date of my surgery. The pathology report confirmed no evidence of cancer remained. I got my pathological complete response. Statistically this is the best possible scenario.

I know I've done all I could to fight this disease.    I went to the best cancer hospital in Toronto and probably in Canada, a world renowned organization.   I had an amazing team of doctors who created the best treatment plan for me, based on my type of breast cancer, my age, and what they know in terms of latest research.

I did the most chemo your body can take - 8 high dose treatments, 4 AC and 4 Paclitaxel.

I did a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy, based on my surgeon's advice that in my case a mastectomy doesn't mean any better outcomes.

I was given the maximum radiation as well, 30 sessions, 25 regular/5 boosters.

When I got my strength back after chemo I started exercising again.  I have changed to a plant based diet to help nourish my body. I am getting my body back in shape.  I have cut down/out many harmful foods and drink much less alcohol.

At the end of the day, I know I've done all I could to be cancer free and stay that way.

Booster #28

I had a trying radiation session today.  I was in the room for probably 30 minutes instead of the usual 10 and most of that time was trying to lie still.

There was a new tech there, probably filling in for someone from my regular rotation. She set me up initially, and then they did the "scan" part - this is new for the booster sessions, as the machine takes quite a bit of time rotating around me and I think they can see/check the placement in the other room.

Well the first placement didn't work.  They came in and got me to get right off the table, and start all over again.  The other tech set me up this time.  Out they went and the whole rotation started again.  And then I waited.  For what felt like an eternity!  No zapping.

I was kind of worried I was misplaced again and would have to start all over a 3rd time.  Eventually, the treatment did start.  It was very hard to lie still and stay calm.  I am just so over the treatment at this point.

Also - during the second placement, Angel's song, A Thousand Years, came on.  This is the song that Shannon made Angel's video with, and it always makes me think of her.  Hard to stay still and keep it together when that happened!  But I did wonder if it was a sign that she was there for me in that moment.

At the end, the new tech helped me off the table and said, "have you noticed weight loss recently?"  And I said yes, my appetite hasn't been the same lately and I am also working out.  Well apparently the weight loss, is affecting their ability to get me in the right position!  She said that the reason the second time took so long was they had to get placement checked and get the "go ahead."    I feel a bit bad about that but not really.  I am trying to get back in shape and eat healthy, and sometimes I don't feel as hungry because of the radiation.

After 7-8 months of being poisoned, cut up, and burned, it does feel like I have little resilience left to put up with any issues.  Luckily I only have 2 more sessions left.

Here are the lyrics from Angel's song.  Isn't it a good one? One step closer.



A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything, take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday, waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed, I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Here we go again

At the hospital for last week of radiation. So over it! My neck and armpit are very sore and even sting, so I am glad they aren't getting zapped anymore. My breast is quite discoloured too.

Digging deep to finish this off!

 

Hair update #10

15 weeks post chemo and I am feeling more comfortable with the coverage. Still want it thicker in the front! But I've come a long way from the baldie in November!

 

On to boosters!

I did booster #1 today. Finally my neck and armpit get some relief. Only 4 more to go, and a weekend now to recuperate a bit. This last week of radiation has been tough.   My whole breast/neck/armpit is sore and the neck is actually stinging. 

 

Skin update

Well my skin is looking pretty bad, especially my neck and armpit. The doctor said it will probably get worse before it gets better and she expects it to peel.  :(

One more regular session to go. Thank goodness.

 

The end is in sight

Got my last radiation schedule today! The end is truly in sight now!

 

It tears you down, and builds you back up

Yesterday wasn't the best day.  I felt a lot of fatigue and frustration and sadness.  So sick of being in treatment! I know the end is near, but it is hard sometimes to keep going and maintain the positivity.

In the afternoon, I received a surprise package from Jeff's aunt Patty, that turned my mood around.
She knitted me this beautiful "Prayer shawl"!  and also sent me a pair of warm and cozy socks and a beautiful card.  It was such a surprise and also really touched me!  Just what I needed.
I love the shawl and it keeps me warm while I am resting in the living room after radiation.

The day reminded me of something Shannen Doherty had said in one of her interviews.  "Cancer tears you down, and builds you up, and it tears you down and builds you up."

I have had ups and downs but all along the way, the consistent thing I have felt is love and kindness from my support system. It keeps me going.

I saw this other quote on Facebook today that articulates where I am at:

"Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for All to see.  It's just a tiny spark that whispers,  Keep going. You've got this."


 

 

 

Live with intention

As treatment winds down and I am thinking about life "after cancer" -- this quote is a bit of inspiration for me.

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.-Mary Anne Radmacher

Boosters and mood

My last 5 sessions of radiation will be "boosters" - here is little info:

Radiation Boost - "A Little Extra" At The End of Radiation

Early-stage breast cancer is often treated with a lumpectomy or mastectomy and radiation therapy. Even though the tumor may have been small and no metastases were found, women and their doctors still look for ways to prevent a recurrence. The technique of giving a radiation boost at the end of treatment has been very effective in keeping breast cancer from coming back.

A radiation boost is one or more extra treatments targeted at the tumor bed.  This extra dose covers a small area and affects the tissue where cancer is most likely to return. Radiation boost treatments are given after the regular sessions of radiation are complete. Women who are 40 years old or younger at time of treatment get the most benefit from a radiation boost, but patients of all ages will have a lower risk of recurrence if they receive a booster treatment.

On Friday last week, the techs measured me for the boosts and also did the CT simulation.  Unfortunately it made me dizzy! the machine and the table were moving at the same time and I had to close my eyes.  I guess that will be the game plan for those 5 sessions, to lessen the dizziness.

I am beyond done with radiation at this point. I know I only have 9 to go but I wish it was zero!  All in good time I guess. 

Hair update #9

14 weeks post chemo! It is starting to look more like a short haircut :)

 

After treatment ends

this is an excellent article that was shared on one of my online support groups, regarding the stage of when treatment ends.  While I am so excited to be done with the battering of my body and spending hours in a hospital, I do feel a sense of trepidation about not being in active treatment any longer.  It is all such a mess of emotions!  And this article is worth the read, it helps articulate the anxiety and the necessary focus for this important stage of the cancer journey.

http://www.cancercounselling.org.uk/After%20the%20Treatment%20-%20Peter%20Harvey.pdf?openElement

Two thirds done!

I did radiation #20 today! I am officially two thirds done.

My skin is tanned except for near the neck that is a bit pink/burnt.  I am also sore and sensitive. I have some fatigue. But all in all I think I am doing well given the circumstances.  5 more regular treatments to go and then the last 5 are "boosters" directed at the area where my lump was.

Hoping for an uneventful and smooth rest of treatment!

 

This

 

Session with Dr. Hunter

I went into the session with Dr. Hunter yesterday preoccupied with the news from Nalie.  It ended up guiding the whole session, and the time went by so quickly, but he always does an amazing job of making me feel better.

He reassured me that to hear this kind of news about a peer is triggering and can cause me to think about my own situation.  It doesn't mean it will happen to me.  I have other examples of women close to my age beating this, and one example is my friend Trish from junior high, who had the exact same breast cancer 6 years ago.

He offered to talk about worst case scenarios with me though, in order to process the feelings.

We talked about coping with the feelings in the moment. I said I like to write about it, to get it out of my head and not stew, and I talk to others about it, like Jeff, some friends, and other breast cancer warriors who understand why I feel triggered.   Other things like exercise and meditation have helped with general anxiety and keeping it in check.

We also spent time talking about what I want out of my life now.   I talked about how if I knew my time was limited, I would want to maximize that time I had left.  I would want to focus on the things that are of real priority to me, like spending time with family and friends and enjoying those relationships as much as possible.  Like travelling and seeing new places or visiting old ones like our second "home" - Jamaica.  Work doesn't even make the list if I had a terminal diagnosis.  This is a major change for me, someone that was a workaholic up until I got this diagnosis.   The truth is that getting cancer had made me reflect on what is important in life, and my priorities have changed.

Even without a terminal diagnosis, I am looking at life so very differently.  We talked about determining the "guiding principles' of my life now.  What is most important to me and how do I ensure I maximize my time?  I plan to give this some real thought and to write it down, and it will be a touchstone for me as I venture back into a more "regular" life in the coming months.

Living by these guiding principles will make sure that regardless of what happens to me in the future, I will feel fulfilled and will live a life without regret.    This is the best way I can think of to cope with the uncertainty of being someone who has had cancer, and doesn't know the future.

I would never want to be in a situation where I did get that terminal diagnosis, and then because I was put into treatment immediately, my quality of life is destroyed before I can live and do all the things that I want to.

I also don't want to wait until retirement to enjoy life.  What if I don't even make it there?  I am not going to be irresponsible with saving, but I do plan to make travel and other experiences a priority and will be setting aside money to celebrate life making memories.

I plan to go back to my job in the spring, but if after 3-6 months I just don't feel good in it anymore, I will move on.  I will find something that gives me the work-life balance that I want now.  I don't need to manage others or move up the chain of command to be fulfilled.    I just need a job that I am passionate about.  And I might even look for volunteer work that gives me additional satisfaction in that way, perhaps in the breast cancer community.

This session shifted my mindset and allowed me to start to think about how to take control of my life, to find contentment even in uncertainty.  He's a brilliant therapist isn't he!  And I think I did pretty darn good too trying to sort through all this and find some peace.

if there are things you want out of life, don't wait!  Do it now, live your dreams, find your own guiding principles and have no regrets.

Yes

 

Terrifying news from a fellow breast cancer survivor

I didn't sleep well last night.  And that's because a fellow breast cancer survivor that I follow on instagram and her blog, posted a video yesterday saying she's had a relapse.

I found Nalie's blog when I was searching for hair growth videos after chemo, and she has a ton of different videos from her stage 2 cancer battle back in 2013, at only 25 years old.    She is also a fellow Canadian from Montreal.  Reading about her experience really helped me and inspired me.

I am devastated for her to now be told the cancer has metastasized to her lungs.  It is shocking to me that this is even possible.  She is a vibrant, beautiful, amazing 28 year old now, who from the outside appears so healthy and "normal."  

How can this happen?  Why does this happen to good people like her?  I do not understand this universe some days.   It is cruel and unfair.

She discovered it because she had a persistent cough for about 3 weeks, and finally went to the ER last week, got a chest X-ray and they said it looks like several cancer nodules in her lungs.  They are starting her on chemo today, even before a biopsy confirms it.

I am praying that she can fight this.  From what I have heard, metastasized breast cancer can't necessarily be cured.  So I imagine this feels like a death sentence right now.  It is absolutely terrifying to me.

Here is her post.

http://www.nalie.ca/the-relapse/

Birthday celebration!

On Saturday I had a joint birthday celebration with my friend Marcella and it was such a fun night. The Sheridan girls came out too, and I went wigless :)

 

 

Hair update #8

13 weeks post chemo! Finally have some coverage all the way around :)

Jeff says I look better without the wig at this point and wants me to ditch it. Not sure if I can muster up the courage for that yet! Eek!

 

 

Dear self

 

Halfway there! :)

I did my 15th radiation today.  50% done!!

There was a new tech there today and she was so sweet.  She made sure I was comfortable and also even asked if I wanted the music louder.  Too funny.

My skin has changed colour a bit, and it is getting itchy in some spots, occasionally. I may try the saline soak they recommended soon if I feel I need it.  I've been moisturizing like crazy though.   So far no burnt or peeling skin.  I do feel a bit sore and tender though. Sleeping on my side hurts a bit, so I am using pillows to prop myself up a bit.

I hope the last half goes smoothly!

On my 39th birthday

On my 39th Birthday, I never thought I would be kicking it off with an 8am radiation appointment for breast cancer.  I could not have predicted this on my birthday last year.   Despite the pain and itchiness that is getting more and more prevalent on my body with radiation treatment, my post today will be focused on what I am grateful for.

I am grateful for my health.  That may seem ironic but this thing could have gone a completely different way and ultimately I have been blessed with catching cancer early, an amazing medical team and a resilience to fight this!  While I am not 100 percent at the moment, I sure am getting there!

I am grateful for love.  The love of my husband, my family and my friends. I feel very loved today and pretty much every day since my diagnosis (and before that too :))  I have no doubt this has improved my outcomes.

I am grateful for my mobility.  The months during chemo were probably the most trying for me as I couldn't do much physically.  today, I did one of the more difficult jillian micheals workouts, and it felt great.   Exercise keeps me sane.

I am grateful for my resilience.  And for good days.  These get me through on the days when I don't want to or think I can't continue or I just feel plain sorry for myself.

I am grateful for hair growth!  You don't realize how much you will miss your hair, your eyelashes and eyebrows.  In September/October I felt like I had no face!  I feel much more like myself these days.   Not ready to go wigless yet but on the way there :)

I am grateful to be celebrating another birthday.  If anything cancer has taught me not to agonize over getting another year older, but appreciating it and being thankful.

 
 

 

Make 2017 great

 

A new year, a healthier year!

I am pretty excited to say goodbye to 2016! although it started off really great, since June it has obviously been a very difficult time.  My treatment is winding down and I am looking forward to having a happy and healthy 2017.

Jeff and I are making changes to be healthier too.  In early December I read a book called "Eat to Live" and it talks about a plant based diet, and how things like meat, dairy, white flour/breads processed foods and refined sugar actually cause disease in the body.  My radiation oncologist had also mentioned focusing on a plant based diet too when we met with her.  It is also the focus of a documentary called "Forks over Knives" which Jeff and I watched recently.

We've started eating more plant based foods, and rarely have meat.  We've cut out processed foods entirely.  I have learned a bunch of new recipes and I don't miss meat much!  I have no interest in processed food either.  The book talks about being a "nutritarian" rather than vegetarian.  I like the idea of eating for nutrients for your body.

I've been working out more, and am getting stronger as time passes.  Radiation has caused some fatigue but I try to make sure I rest for parts of the day.

It feels good be eating well and exercising, and I do feel I am doing the right thing by focusing on good health!  It can only help with feeling better, detoxing from all these treatments and feeling more normal again.

Feeling hopeful for a great year!