Some good news!

Today I met with my third and final doctor in the Mount Sinai "dream team", my radiation oncologist Dr. Conrad. I spent a lot of time first with her fellow, and then met the doctor briefly afterwards.  We didn't go into a lot of detail about the radiation since it is so far off at this point and I may forget details, but she did give me a sense of timing.  Once chemo is done, I will likely have a 4-6 week break, then surgery, then another 4-6 week break, and then radiation. Radiation happens every day, Monday to Friday, and will be 6 weeks.  the tedious part will be going downtown every day but at that stage of the journey I expect I will be grateful to be trekking down the mountain and can deal with it!  The doctor said that I am doing the hardest part first with chemo, and that radiation doesn't have a lot of side effects, mostly topical. 


Now to the good news. I didn't expect it but they also told me all my test results today! Fast turnaround from last week!  the best part of all is my scans were clear!!!! bone scan, ct scan - all good!  and the biopsy of my lymph node in the right armpit is all clear too!!!


I am incredibly relieved by the news and know that now I just need to focus on the original program and crush this thing!


it is amazing how a little bit of good news can lift my spirits and my determination.  Plus, I am starting to feel a bit more like myself a week out from chemo treatment.


While at the hospital I also stopped at the wig boutique that has a bunch of hats, and I bought two, one that is a good everyday newsboy hat, so soft and comfy, and also a nice one for outside, a big floppy hat with butterflies, that also has an spf of 40.  I saw the butterflies on it and couldn't resist :)


So far my hair has not fallen out.  It may be all in my mind but it does feel a bit dry and looks less healthy but what can you expect with all these weird drugs in the body.  I know I will be sad when it starts to fall, but I am glad I have some hats and can pick up my wig as well. 


Also, Jeff shaved his head this week in solidarity! I won't post a photo as he will kill me, but it was super sweet.  He is such a good support to me.  He went in to the office today while I was at my appointment and met with his manager and director. they are very supportive of him and us, and I think he could potentially be approved for a compassionate leave to be off with me at least during the next few months for chemo. We will see.  I am thankful for a great employer.  The lady working at Tim Hortons that is diagnosed with breast cancer does not have an amazing drug plan, sick leave, and compassionate leave for their family to also be off work during a time like this.


here is a photo of me and my newsboy hat :)  Happy & grateful for a good day today.

The will to live

I wrote a post on my other blog some time ago about regaining my will to live after Angel died.  After she died there were times when I didn't care much what happened to me. It took a lot in internal healing and years really to get to the place where I wanted to live for me again.

When I got my diagnosis, one of my guttural reactions was that this is just a cruel joke. Here I am in a good place again, feeling grateful and happy in living my life for me. I don't need another lesson about how precious life is.

That was the anger I felt in the first few days.  And it's funny because some of my closest friends have articulated the same disbelief and anger for the situation I am in.

But what can I do? These are the latest cards I have been dealt so I need to adapt and I need to find a way to channel the anger for the better. Maybe that is channeled into exercise and moving my body, during treatments, when I am able to. Maybe it is channeled into a deep resilience I will need with each chemo treatment, to fight off fatigue and nausea. Maybe I turn the anger on its head and focus on hope. Challenge my head space to focus on my present, and be hopeful for how I can conquer this latest challenge. 

I will be digging deeper than I ever have, to fight for myself.  Right now it is a bit like being on the side of a mountain and I've taken my first few steps. I know eventually I will get to the other side but exactly how and what terrain I will encounter is unknown. But I have a faith that I can get there. 

The mental and emotional journey

In addition to all the physical aspects of cancer, there is the coping with the mental and emotional journey.  I have sought out counselling a couple of times from the EAP already and they have provided some good advice in terms of maintaining positive perspective, the importance of self-care etc.
One of the best things they said to me was, what would you tell a friend that was going through your situation?
I said something along the lines of: you're stronger than you think, and will beat this. you need to take care of yourself, ask for help when you need it and don't be a hero.  I am here for you for whatever you need.
the counsellor then talked about how sometimes we are nicer to our friends in difficult situations than we are to ourselves. and that I need to remember to treat myself like I would treat a dear friend going through this.  I thought that really resonated with me.


I like my medical oncologist more and more with each meeting so far.  this week, we talked about my chemo schedule and also about a planned cottage vacation we had scheduled for August 13-20.  it turns our that the cottage week falls right in between the first four and the last four chemo sessions, between where the drugs are switched. he said I could take a one week break and there would be no consequence to my treatment plan or results.  I was so happy to hear this as I think I was really looking forward to the cottage and was sad to think I might have to cancel it for this year. there is something so healing about spending time hear the water.  the doctor said "quality of life is very important" - and was very supportive of us.  Another important point to remember.  Regardless of how I feel physically, I need to try to focus on quality of life and being grateful for little things that I can experience every day. The sunshine, walks with Mimi when I am up to it, reading in my backyard, connecting with others who support me on this new journey.

First chemo and other tests

I was at the hospital most of this week for various things.  Before my first chemo on Thursday, I did a bone scan on Tuesday, and also did a biopsy (right armpit) and got clips in my lump and in the armpit area just in case. both procedures were slightly uncomfortable - with the bone scan I felt pretty claustrophobic, especially around my face. I have to admit I had a mild panic attack. Not a good experience!  the clip wasn't too bad as I was frozen, just a bit nerve-wracking.


My first chemo itself went well. I didn't feel the affects until getting home, and that's when the fatigue and nausea first hit  - the first day was the worst. Two days later and I am feeling a bit better now, not 100% but slowly improving.


The day after chemo I had to go back in for a shot for white blood cells and also a ct scan. the ct scan was a breeze compared to the bone scan, the most annoying part was the drink before, and also getting the ink injected was a bit weird. long day for a the day after chemo so I am hoping that doesn't happen again. Now that I have seen the shot being done I can do it myself the day after chemo at home, which saves me a trip downtown.


the only test I have left is an MRI of my breast on Sunday. I am taking today to recoup at home and am thankful for the down time.


I've received some beautiful flowers and cards from my branch and my family. here are some photos below.

Update - next steps after oncologist consultations

A lot has happened since Tuesday! and I have been so busy reading, researching and taking other preparations that I have been too busy to blog.
On Wednesday we met with the surgical oncologist, Dr. Easson, who is an awesome woman. She told me a bit more about the breast cancer I have - it is called triple negative, which from what I understand this means the cancer tested negative for estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors and HER2.  this type of breast cancer does not respond to hormone therapy, however the other main things I need to do are the same - chemotherapy, surgery and radiation - and in this order.  The reason why they are suggesting it be in this order is the type of cancer is more aggressive and therefore chemo first will reduce the lump I have and also prevent spreading. 


Dr. Easson explained all this and also started a bunch of referrals to other tests and to my medical oncologist, Dr. Amir.
I saw Dr. Amir on Thursday and him and his fellow talked to me in detail about the cancer I have, and then the chemo I will be given. I have to do 8 "sessions" and they are divided by 2 weeks, so 16 weeks total, and I start June 23.  The first 4 weeks is a chemo called AC and then the second 4 weeks is a chemo called Taxol.  They also wrote me a prescription for 3 different anti nausea drugs and a white blood cells shot that I have to take after each chemo. The shot costs $3000 each time! I was very thankful for my drug plan when I heard this.
In the meantime I have to get a bone scan (Tuesday), Ultrasound to put a clip in my lump in case it shrinks so much they can't find it for surgery, genetics counselling I think to see if I have the BRC-A gene (Wednesday) and I am waiting to get a CT scan and MRI too. lots of tests! Makes me nervous, but as long as they don't find anything else, Dr. Easson said I am at stage 1 and I am very hopeful I can crush this thing!!


I feel immensely better now that I have a plan and after meeting the medical team. It really seems like I have the best support at Mount Sinai and they are moving quickly to help me, so I am thankful.


They told me I will lose my hair - I have heard it is usually 10-14 days after the first chemo - so I got a shorter cut yesterday and also a wig.  Well I am trying to decide what wig but I have one or two good options in mind. I also bought a few different head coverings/hats online that I can wear around the house or if I don't feel like wearing a wig out.  I know in the grand scheme of things it is just hair but I am sad to lose it. I really like the cut I got and losing my hair doesn't necessarily make me feel very feminine.  What can I do though. Gotta go with the flow.


here is my new cut and then blow it are a couple wigs I tried, I think I like the longer one but need to decide!

A survivors words

One of my best friend's mother is a survivor of breast cancer. She is just over a year recovery now. She said (as have other women who have gone through it that I have reached out to) that this is the worst part right now - the waiting. I see the specialist tomorrow morning and at this point I am just ready to hear the good, bad and ugly, and to get on with what I need to do to get better. I am feeling courageous about it today which is good. The anxiety is always there in the background though.

My friends mom shared this mantra that helped her in her journey:

May I be happy

May I be healthy

May I forgive myself 

May I accept not knowing 

May I love myself

I think I will use it.

Mimi and I went for a walk this morning by the lake and I think it helped to calm my nerves. The beauty of the sky was amazing -heavenly almost.

Bump in the road

One of the first things Jeff said to me was that we will look back on this as a bump in the road. It is hard to imagine that right now. I need to have faith and believe in the possible.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones;

And when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. 

God is awake."

- Victor Hugo

The diagnosis

I was diagnosed with breast cancer on June 9, 2016. For the weeks that is took from talking to my family doctor about the lump, to doing an ultrasound, then a follow up mammogram and finally a follow up biopsy it was weeks of waiting and hoping it was nothing. I was told it was probably fibroadenoma, a benign lump, but the biopsy results said otherwise. I am in a waiting pattern right now as my specialist appointment is in a few days. I don't know the stage or grade of cancer and I am imagining the worst. This waiting and uncertainty is very hard.

I have a lot of emotions right now - sadness, fear, anger, frustration....it is a lot to process. I am hoping my writing in this blog it will be therapeutic for me.