I've been back to work for two and a half weeks now (part time/gradual return) and it was surprising how easy it has been in some ways and tough in others. The good news is I have been able to get into the swing of things pretty quickly. I am not managing my team yet but I am influencing things and helping them with hiring as they are quite understaffed. I have a project assigned to me and am doing fine with that (retreat planning that I managed 4-5 times already in this ministry, so I am familiar with what needs to happen). I feel like my ability to multi-task and get things done pretty efficiently has returned - maybe not as great as I was but its getting there.
I have a hard time sticking to the reduced hours. I want to be up to speed on everything that has happened and is happening and I find it hard not to be involved in all aspects of my job yet. But I am trying. I am getting into a bit of a rhythm. There hasn't been pressure from anyone to do more than I can, other than my own internal self-pressure!
So what's the problem? Well, in some ways it feels like a brand new job. 4 of my staff have left with number 5 leaving at end of august (out of 8). I have a new director, and we are hiring new staff. It is almost a total rebuild situation. Some of the people left there aren't happy. The director has influenced a not very supportive culture, and my colleague manager was crying in my office on my second day. It scares me. So far things are going ok with me, but I worry about how it will be when I am back to full duties and the expectations set in. Not an ideal situation, I'd rather have stability and familiarity but what can you do. It is what it is.
In some ways I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I never got sick. Would 5 staff have left? Would the branch be in shambles like it is now? Would the culture have shifted so much? Would I have been considered for the director position? It's hard not to think about all that stuff, and link it to my illness. It makes me feel a bit cheated again.
I am not sure this is the right place for me longterm. I have to figure that out. If I never got sick, I would be due for a move, just from a career advancement perspective. So why not move?
Other challenges are just fatigue. I get tired after working 4-5 hours. I am so glad I am doing the gradual return and am building up my stamina. I am hopeful I will get back to where I was before. But I am bit nervous too.
It didn't take long to get back onto the "hamster wheel" though - and I need to remember my priorities and the importance of self-care. Sometimes I forget what I went through. I just go and do things, and push myself, like I would before cancer. In a way it's nice to forget. But I also need to make sure I take care of myself first.
I find myself thinking about work when I am not there. I have always been bad at that. But as I was dwelling on things yesterday, I was reminded of a lovely woman I met on my breast cancer group on Facebook - it popped up that we became friends at this time last year. Her name was Jo and she was stage 4....she's the one who was so lovely and positive, and she even went back to college - she really inspired me with her attitude about life, even when she was so ill. She died a few months after I came to know her. And so I was reminded again how short life is and to STOP fussing about work. What will be will be. All I can do is do my best and be grateful for where I am now, be grateful I was healthy enough to return, as it doesn't always work out that way for people.
I think I need to bring a reminder to work to keep me in check. My turtle - which I made in art therapy - hasn't made it to the office yet. I think it's time to bring it in. I was also thinking of doing a sticky note on my screen with my #1 guiding principle - "Harmony, Balance and Well-being is your number one priority." If I see it every day, hopefully I can live this more deliberately!!
Sunday, 23 July 2017
Thursday, 20 July 2017
Thursday, 6 July 2017
Return to work!
Yesterday was my first day back at work since June 9, 2016. It was a bit surreal to walk back into the branch! Everyone was so nice and welcoming. They decorated my office and gave me a card and plant :)
I spent some time with my new director and got a lot of info on things that are happening. Everyone gathered in the library to have lunch and chat with me.
The four hours flew by in a flash! So far so good.
Appointment with Doctor Hunter
I had another session with Dr. Hunter today. I know I've said it before but I feel so lucky to have him as my doctor and he has helped me so much this past year.
We talked about my return to work as I did my first "shift" yesterday. Surprisingly it felt somewhat natural to be back, despite all the changes. I sat in my office and it didn't really feel like much time had passed. Which is a bit confusing because obviously I have been gone 13 months! I am struggling with reconciling that a bit. I have a gap in knowledge of what has happened and what is happening now, and I wish I could magically update my brain to know all the details. In time it will happen.
My new director seems nice enough, so I am not jumping to any conclusions there. There are 3 sides to every story, the staff's side, her side and something in the middle that is probably the truth. What I did like is she showed some vulnerability and emotion to me, and that made her seem human. All in all I feel excited to get back into the work scene and use my brain again. And one of my new staff that was hired when I was off had breast cancer 2 years ago. She is in her early 30s. She has already become an informal "work buddy" to me, and is making sure I am doing ok.
Because I wasn't sure about the branch dynamic, I have been applying for other jobs and I have been called for an interview. I asked Dr. Hunter's advice on this as I am worried I am stressing myself out at a time that isn't ideal. But his advice was to go ahead with it, and I will know in my gut if it is a good fit or not by going through the process.
We talked about how either way I have a new perspective on work, and because of what I've been through, I have a broader perspective on what I want my life to be - work is part of it but not the central focus. Whatever job I am in, I can make sure I keep this perspective.
We spent a bit of time talking about the "lost time" from being off and how the world keeps on turning and things move ahead. Part of me resents the fact that I have lost the better part of a year. Or at least the 8-9 months of treatment. It forced me to put life on hold which is not easy for someone like me! And I think I still feel cheated. That may fade as time goes on.
I talked little bit about my frustration regarding my stamina too. I felt tired after 4 hours of work yesterday. I guess I can't be expected to go from zero to a hundred though. It's just frustrating not to be able to do as much as I used to - at least not yet. I felt the same at the end of our trip to Seattle, when I basically hit a wall of fatigue from all the travelling, time change and walking. This wouldn't have phased me quite as much before cancer. I hope with patience and training I can get my full physical and mental stamina back.
I am going to schedule one more session for September timeframe, as Dr. Hunter is away all of August. He said he'd like to see me at least one more time, when life is a bit more settled, to see how I am doing. I trust him and his advice, and so I look forward to catching up with him then.
We talked about my return to work as I did my first "shift" yesterday. Surprisingly it felt somewhat natural to be back, despite all the changes. I sat in my office and it didn't really feel like much time had passed. Which is a bit confusing because obviously I have been gone 13 months! I am struggling with reconciling that a bit. I have a gap in knowledge of what has happened and what is happening now, and I wish I could magically update my brain to know all the details. In time it will happen.
My new director seems nice enough, so I am not jumping to any conclusions there. There are 3 sides to every story, the staff's side, her side and something in the middle that is probably the truth. What I did like is she showed some vulnerability and emotion to me, and that made her seem human. All in all I feel excited to get back into the work scene and use my brain again. And one of my new staff that was hired when I was off had breast cancer 2 years ago. She is in her early 30s. She has already become an informal "work buddy" to me, and is making sure I am doing ok.
Because I wasn't sure about the branch dynamic, I have been applying for other jobs and I have been called for an interview. I asked Dr. Hunter's advice on this as I am worried I am stressing myself out at a time that isn't ideal. But his advice was to go ahead with it, and I will know in my gut if it is a good fit or not by going through the process.
We talked about how either way I have a new perspective on work, and because of what I've been through, I have a broader perspective on what I want my life to be - work is part of it but not the central focus. Whatever job I am in, I can make sure I keep this perspective.
We spent a bit of time talking about the "lost time" from being off and how the world keeps on turning and things move ahead. Part of me resents the fact that I have lost the better part of a year. Or at least the 8-9 months of treatment. It forced me to put life on hold which is not easy for someone like me! And I think I still feel cheated. That may fade as time goes on.
I talked little bit about my frustration regarding my stamina too. I felt tired after 4 hours of work yesterday. I guess I can't be expected to go from zero to a hundred though. It's just frustrating not to be able to do as much as I used to - at least not yet. I felt the same at the end of our trip to Seattle, when I basically hit a wall of fatigue from all the travelling, time change and walking. This wouldn't have phased me quite as much before cancer. I hope with patience and training I can get my full physical and mental stamina back.
I am going to schedule one more session for September timeframe, as Dr. Hunter is away all of August. He said he'd like to see me at least one more time, when life is a bit more settled, to see how I am doing. I trust him and his advice, and so I look forward to catching up with him then.
Sunday, 2 July 2017
Repost - from building resilience in breast cancer
“I used to think the worst thing about cancer was the anxiety about dying. It’s not. It’s guilt.”
This week our discussion explored our guilt and the sense of responsibility we feel for the worry and pain our loved ones experience as a result of our diagnosis with primary, or secondary, breast cancer.
Guilt can be one of the strongest emotions we experience - we feel guilty for bringing this disease into the lives of our families and its impact on our husbands, our partners, our parents, our colleagues, our employers. We feel guilty for exposing our families and friends to worry, fear and uncertainty. Those of us who are mothers are haunted by our sense of having allowed an unspeakable horror into our children’s lives; those of us who want to be mothers feel guilty that we may be unable to give our partners a family.
Some of us described feeling as though we had failed our loved ones in some way. Rationally, we know we are not to ‘blame’ but we can’t help but wonder what it was we did, or did not do, that might have caused us to develop breast cancer. We find ourselves questioning our life-style choices, our experiences and asking whether they could have contributed to our diagnoses. The questions that follow us are: why me? why not me? where did I go wrong? did I bring this on myself? Is this a punishment? We find ourselves taking on responsibility for developing primary breast cancer, for facing side-effects and complications, and if our cancer returns, for developing secondary breast cancer.
Naz explained that we are not as well-equipped to cope with guilt as other emotions. This is because guilt carries with it a strong emotional and cognitive component that justifies this emotion. Usually, our cognitive brain systems regulate or down play emotions that run high, but with guilt, our cognitive systems often serve to re-affirm our guilty feelings. This is one of the main reasons that feelings of guilt can last for a long time - for years post trauma.
Unwittingly, the expectations and reactions of others can re-affirm our guilty feelings. We are advised to - ‘stay strong’, ‘be positive’, ‘your family needs you’, ‘you need to keep going because of them.’ But often we don’t feel positive or strong and these 'sympathetic' comments increase our guilty feelings, we feel we shouldn’t complain, we are supposed to feel ‘lucky’ - because we have a ‘good cancer’, because we didn’t need chemotherapy, or radiotherapy, or haven’t had a mastectomy.
The media, we decided, plays a role in exaggerating these unrealistic expectations: are you strong enough? Brave enough? Tough enough? to ‘battle cancer.’ Women with secondary breast cancer described their emotional anguish as a result of the unspoken, offensive subtext that accompanies these messages - that they were somehow not strong enough or brave enough to stop their cancer coming back. The reality is that our power in influencing cancer outcomes and recurrence is very limited. So we feel doomed to failure. Yet we suffer in silence, unable to talk openly about the realities of secondary breast cancer.
Those of who have finished active treatment described how we want to meet the high expectations that we and others hold of ourselves. But we are exhausted, thrown into an ocean of uncertainty, trying to find a safe harbour to shelter from the storm of cancer which can be a long and turbulent. We want others to understand, to empathise, but we find ourselves mute and numb, unable to communicate how we feel and what we are going through. Some of us described feeling ‘survivors’ guilt’ when we have lost friends as a result of breast cancer.
So can guilt ever be made to disappear?
We can try to prioritise our own needs. We can share our vulnerability so that others see our interior experience as well as the tough image that we project outwardly. We can remind ourselves that we have very little control in the development of this disease. We can forgive ourselves.
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