Lotus flower tattoo

I got a new tattoo today to represent my cancer journey - a lotus flower! Here's the before and after :)

Chemo-versary!

Well one year ago today I had my first chemo. God I came to hate that awful devil AC. I was very anxious about how it would make me feel. The unknown was hard. I found out soon enough that it would knock me down to the worst fatigue ever and make me super nauseous.  Also started the hot flashes and night sweats. And insomnia from the steroids. It ruined chicken soup for me forever!

Very very glad I am a year out from starting that process!

 

After the storm

http://www.purpleclover.com/health/1340-after-the-storm/

That's what I fight for

 

One year later

June 9th was one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a year!

Obviously I am incredibly grateful to be where I am now, with my treatment going as well as it could. Only god knows what is in store for me now.  I can only hope and pray I have beat this thing for good.

Jeff and I went to Seattle on June 9 for 4 nights, and I am glad we did something fun. We saw 3 blue jays games, went to the Space Needle, went to pike place market, and walked a lot. By the final day I was toast. I slept on the flight home and probably 12 hours that night. I am frustrated I don't have the stamina I used to. I also am sick for the second time this month. I am so busy doing things because I want to have as much fun as possible before I go back to work but my health is suffering a bit. 

One year later I still feel a bit vulnerable about my health. I look back in awe of what I have been through. I am still gaining my strength and confidence.  I hope I continue to improve and progress. I am thankful I am one of the lucky ones.

 

       

Appointment with Doctor Hunter

I met with Dr. Hunter last Wednesday and it was a good session.  We talked a lot about my return to work and my concerns with going back to a bad environment.    I do feel ready to rip off the bandaid and to see what it will be like. He offered a different perspective on my director though, which was to think about any redeeming qualities she might have that you can learn from, instead of just focusing on any negative perceptions I have heard. It is good advice. I have had horrible managers before, and yet I always learn one way or the other.  Some good things and some things not to do.  This director is very focused on client service and innovation.  I think there is a lot to learn there for anyone.  But what I can bring to the table is building a strong team, based on trust, collaboration and high engagement. I've done it before and I can do it again, even with new staff on board. So we will see!

I have heard that this director treats work as "her life" - and when I said this, Dr. Hunter said "well doesn't that mean your team is your family?"  I loved this. It's a great point and I feel like how you treat people is key to having them deliver for you.

We also talked about self care and how I need to keep up with that. I must remember to schedule work around self care and not the other way around. 

I mentioned that my online friend just had a recurrence - she finished treatment in the Fall and it is back in the very same spot.  When I got that news, it made me really think about why I let work stress me out.  Work is not as important as your overall quality of life!  I can only imagine what Tracy is feeling right now, it is mind boggling. Work troubles are very small in comparison.

Last return to work session

I had my final return to work session last week also.  I am sad to have it end as it has helped me tremendously but at the same time I do feel ready to "graduate" :)

We did the same survey we completed in session 1, to see our readiness to go back to work. My scores have improved a lot in terms of the desire to go back, and the anxiety has lessened.  I know it will be a transition and there will be stress, but I feel I have more tools to deal with it, which is amazing. The course really has boosted my confidence to go back to work.  I just have to remember my guiding principles, to be an advocate for myself, and to make a commitment to self-care first!  A healthy me is a helpful me. 

Branch Day and RTW planning

Last week I went into "work" for the first time in almost a year. I attended the morning part of a Branch Day session.  I was good to see everyone, some of whom I haven't seen since diagnosis.  Everyone was nice.  Lots of comments saying "you look great"! Some weird ones like "is it all gone?" lol.  I guess that's a preview of what I can expect going back to work!

I did notice that the morale of the team is a bit low.  And as of this week, 4 staff have left my team (of 7).  It is concerning to me that the branch culture has changed so much that retention and engagement is an issue.  I will have to see it for myself when I return.

My return to work plan has been signed off by all parties. It did take some back and forth with my employer, however my 8 week gradual return has been accepted, including one day per week working from home during that period.  The insurance company reassured my employer that the plan is completely reasonable given my medical history.  So my first day back is July 5, for 4 hours, 10am-2pm (to avoid the commute during rush hour).  I am nervous but I am also trying to enjoy the rest of my time off in the meantime.  I can deal with things when I get there.

A good reminder

I saw this posted by someone else on LinkedIn. I love work but this is a good reminder!! Love you first!

Today is bittersweet. 

Today is my last day with a company that I thought I would call home for a very, very long time. No, my position is not being eliminated, my company is not closing.

I made the difficult decision to move on from something that I loved. 

Why?

Because it was killing me. 

Killing my work/life balance. 

Killing my time spent with my husband.

Killing my passion for the industry that I've been successful in for well over a decade.

And it's not the company's fault; its mine.

For the last 15 years, I've never been able to turn myself off.

I've prioritized my work over my home life. 

I've prioritized early mornings over late night discussions. 

I've prioritized long meetings over long hugs.

I've prioritized deadlines over my own health.

I've prioritized the short term goals over long term dreams. 

And then it hit me. I'm working my life away. Literally.

My health has rapidly declined. 

I went through a divorce at age 26. 

I worked so many hours that I forgot my ADT code at home. 

I stayed at work so long that I missed my grandmothers birthday, and it was the last one she ever had.

I let my job rule every decision I made.

So I took back the ability to say 'No'.  

I took back my life and tomorrow I embark on a new journey that gives back to me.

I am so grateful ❤️

Hair update - 8 months post chemo

 

Return to work Session - Self Care

Last week's return to work session was all about self care. It was really good!

We started off by talking about what things we do that support self care - like going to Wellspring, Exercise, Nutrition, Meditation, Nurturing friendships, Journalling, Not over scheduling, Permission to take care of yourself first/Put yourself first, Hobbies - like colouring, gardening etc.

We then talked about why self care is so important.  It helps with our recovery, it restores us, it will help us be healthy and continue to be here for our family and friends in the future, it helps us cope with stress, helps us feel more in control.

We talked about how important it is to schedule self care.  Instead of saying "I am going to fit self care into my life" - say I am going to fit work back into my life!

We have all had a serious wake up call and health wasn't necessarily a priority.  We can live a much healthier life going forward!

It will be a challenge to make self care a priority when it isn't necessarily in our nature. We have to make a contract with ourselves to do it.  What can we cut out to make sure we do it?

Some things we can delegate.  Get someone else to clean your house.  Order your groceries to be delivered.  Do meal planning/prep in advance if you can.  Don't sleep in, get up and do your self care! Have you family help with other chores so it doesn't all fall on you.  But there are some things that eat up a lot of time that aren't as valuable as self care activities - like TV, social media, etc.  Do they really add value or help you as a person?  Isn't meditating or spending time with friends more important?

I think there are ways I can adjust my schedule, to fit work in but also maintain self care as a key focus.  I feel like this is a necessity going forward!

There are so many benefits to doing it - I will support my ongoing health, I will feel a sense of control, I will be calmer, more refreshed, can cope with stress and have clarity in my life, and feel a sense of restoring in my body and soul.

Another haircut!

I went back to my old salon this week for a colour and cut. It has been over a year since I have been there! The two people I see for colour and cut were really sweet. I went darker again and then got a more defined pixie cut that I think will grow out ok. I told Ashley,

the stylist, that I need her help growing it out in a stylish way. She cut a lot off the sides and back! I am a bit sad about it. My hair has been a bit of a gauge of how far away I am from chemo, and now it looks quite short again. Except the top. But I know she is trying to help me have a good look while I grow it out. :)

They both said that the texture of my hair felt different. And I have a bit of a wave now.

It's crazy how sensitive I am about my hair after this whole experience!

 

Follow up with Dr Amir and Mammogram results

I had my 6 month follow up with my medical oncologist this week.  It's always weird going back to the chemo side of the 12th floor in Mount Sinai. So many painful/traumatic memories of that difficult time!  But this appointment was a happier one and went very well.

I mentioned some of my lingering side effects, like tingling in my feet and hands, chemo brain and fatigue - but said how they are improving.  Generally I am feeling stronger and stronger.

I also had Dr. Amir sign off on the draft return to work plan for me.  And I asked about my mammogram results from last week, which were CLEAR! woot! that was a relief.  Nothing has come up on physical exams but it is nice to get that reassurance from a mammogram for sure.

I am officially discharged from medical oncology now.  I will be followed by my surgeon and radiation oncologist every 6 months/alternating.  When we left I hugged Tess and Nancy goodbye and thanked them for everything.   I pray to the universe that I never have to do chemo again!!!