Side effects - chemo #5

Well in the end I haven't got off scotfree with the paclitaxel. I felt decent on the Friday after and I thought maybe just maybe I would be one of those lucky anomalies that would sail through!  The first side effect was a flushed face on Friday afternoon, but that went away by Saturday.  I gave myself the neulasta shot on Friday around 3pm, and the bone and muscle pain started with a vengeance Saturday morning. I can't really describe it other than it is similar to a flu achiness but more intense, throbbing and relentless. I took regular Tylenol Saturday but by Sunday and with no end in sight I went to get the Tylenol 3 prescription filled. Those did help a bit more but honestly it felt like nothing would alleviate the pain. Luckily by Monday the pain was fading and I don't have any today. Today I am just super fatigued, and don't feel like doing much of anything. I know the fatigue is cumulative so I just have to try to do my best.  I've had some tingling in my feet and hands but it has been fleeting so far.

38 days from now is my last chemo. So a week or two after that, I can say goodbye to all the horrendous side effects, and be on my way to true recovery and surgery.  It really isn't that far away. I know I can do it. This is after all just a bump in the road and a small blip in order for me to live another 40 years.

Chemo #5 complete!

Yesterday was chemo #5 and the first of my final four cycles, of the new drug paclitaxel.   We got there at 8 and my blood was taken quickly, and I noticed my blisters from the picc line allergy had all healed :) I also saw the doctor pretty promptly too. He did a physical exam and confirmed again the lump has shrunk and could barely feel anything. He said I am having a better than average response to the chemo and that the lump has shrunk enough for surgery but we will continue all chemo to prevent reoccurrence.  We talked about side effects of the taxol and he said bone pain is possible, because of how this particular chemo interacts with the neulasta/white blood cell shot. Not everyone gets it but time will tell after I take my shot around 3pm today. He said I can take regular Tylenol but also gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 just in case it gets bad. 

We waited awhile to go in to start the treatment but while we were waiting the genetics counsellor came to give me a copy of my report showing I don't have the BRCA gene.  She said that there could be an opportunity down the road to do further genetic testing for cancer and for all dna but not sure if I would want to know anything and everything that could go wrong with me! I already know based on family history I need to monitor for colon cancer.

Soon after I went in for treatment. It was funny because two of the nurses were kind of fighting over who would do my chemo. I have worked with both of them before. The nurse Nancy was like "that's my patient!" Lol but in the end Ann did it. They are both very kind to me and I want to give them some kind of gift when the cycles are all over. 

For this one I don't have to take any pills before but they gave 3 things via iv, an anti nausea, the steroid I had take orally before and benedryl to prevent any allergic reaction. The benedryl knocked me out!! I dozed for a bit in the chair. Those took about half an hour and then chemo started. This one is much longer, took 3 hours to go in. We had a long day at the hospital but I had brought snacks and lunch and watched Netflix on my iPad so it wasn't horrible.  I started having hot flashes by the afternoon though.

Today I actually feel ok. No nausea which is awesome!!! I took Mimi for a walk. Time will tell with the bone pain. I also may get tingly hands and feet.

Praying for little to no side affects if possible. But I feel hopeful for some reason. I feel like this will be easier than the AC cycles. I got this!! 62.5 percent done chemo, and my last cycle is October 6 which isn't too far away!

Despite the fear

The important thing

Cottage break

Jeff and I had a peaceful and relaxing break at the cottage. I loved spending time by the lake, reading or just enjoying the quiet. It was just the break I needed before the second half of chemo. Praying that I have the resilience to do this. I know I will get through it. Digging deep again. 

This will pass

This guy

Today we have been married 13 years. We have been through so much together and more than ever our vow of in sickness and in health is being tested. Jeff has been amazing through all of this, I don't know what I would do without him. 

Work changes

Before all this happened I was a bit of a workaholic. But I loved my job and my team and the organization. I won my role permanently and my director and I were in a good place after working together for about a year.

Since I have been on leave, my director found a new job and a new person has been appointed on a temporary basis. They also have plans to backfill my role with someone in September - which I am actually happy about. I hope it is a strong manager.

It is a lot of change for my team and from what I hear the new director has come in with a pretty aggressive approach that isn't going over well.

I wish I was there to help with this transition. I am worried some of my staff will get fed up and leave and also that I might be reporting to someone I hate when I get back.

I know it is a far way off because realistically I won't return to spring 2017 at the earliest, and maybe even summer 2017 based on my medical notes from my oncologist. A lot can change from now until then, hopefully things will settle down and my staff will stick it out.  I worked had to create a good team dynamic and it would make me sad if it all crumbled while I am in medical leave.

Part of what makes me a good manager though (if I can toot my own horn) is I genuinely care about my people and I look after them. And from where I am now I can't do that. Just another example of how I can't control what happens!  

I guess I need to let go and trust, and focus on getting better.

More good news

The genetics counsellor called me on Friday to let me know that I do not have the BRCA gene! This was the last piece of the puzzle for me in terms of diagnosis, as if I had the gene, there is a possibility they would have asked me to have a mastectomy.  And while that wouldn't be the end of the world, I am relieved that the surgery will be a lumpectomy only and hopefully there will only be a clip left! 

I hadn't expected to find out the results til September sometime, but it is great having this weight lifted off my shoulders and I can fully enjoy our week at the cottage.

It is also nice to have some good karma come my way, and I am ready to keep kicking cancers ass. :)

One day closer

Even on days when I feel like I am not making progress, I need to remember I am one day closer to being 100 percent again. 

Chemo #4 complete!

Hoorah for being 50% done chemo!  It feels like a bit of a milestone.


Things went smoother than last time, and I am very thankful.  this week my aunt came by and gave me a small container of holy water from Israel from a woman at her church.  I admit I am not a traditionally religious person but I am spiritual, so I put some on before this chemo, hoping it would help with a smooth session. Maybe it did!


We got there at 8 as usual and they had to undo my picc line bandage to take blood.  I showed them my allergic reaction and they put saline on it to try to dry it out. I showed the doctor too, and their recommendation was to use gauze and wrap, no tape. I hope it is helping it heal.


I mentioned all my side effects to the doctor and they said everything sounds typical.  I also got an exam and they were not really able to find the lump!  the doctor said I am having an excellent reaction so far. also, the next 4 sessions (Taxol) tends to attack more vigorously so maybe the lump will disappear entirely! it would be great if only the clip was left when it comes time for surgery.  I don't think they will be able to tell without another mammogram or MRI, or both.


Eventually by blood came back and they started the chemo. I snuck a pic of the AC chemo, and even looking at it makes my stomach turn!  so glad it is my last one of this kind.


Chemo through the picc line went fine, and no pricks to the arm so that's great.  I am getting more used to the picc line as time passes.


the doctor said the next type of chemo doesn't tend to cause as much nausea so I am glad for that.  Potential side effects are tingling in the feet and hands, and bone pain.   I heard they put ice on your fingers and toes during it, and they said I should bring gloves and socks with the fingers and toes cut out.


Next chemo is not until August 25! I am looking forward to the cottage break.

Some Coping Strategies

I had a really good counselling session this week with EAP, and was offered a couple of techniques to shift to positive mindset when I am feeling overwhelmed or worried.


We talked about looking at the facts, not assumptions or worst case scenarios - the chemo is effective, the lump is shrinking, I am almost half way done, my hair will grow back.


One thing the counsellor suggested is using cognitive queuing - put stickers in strategic places, like doors, mirrors, my phone, and consider them support stickers, that remind me to repeat positive affirmations, like "I can beat this", "I am strong" etc.  These can be reminders to myself that I can get through this.


We also talked about using realistic thinking, by asking myself 3 questions:
1) What am I worrying about
2) What am I hypothetically assuming will happen
3) What is really going to happen in the REAL world - or in other words, What are the FACTS?


We create our own anxieties and we can also destroy them with realistic thinking.


We also talked about going with the flow.  I am frustrated about my physical constraints but I need to focus on what I can do, like walking Mimi when I feel up to it, and remember this is only a temporary situation.  Don't stress about things out of my control. If I try to resist or rush this process, it won't help me.  At the same time, I can look forward to the future when this is all over and focus on overcoming this disease.

Life is a polarity

Urgent care visit

Yesterday I woke up and noticed blistering and discoloration on my picc line bandage. I was worried that it was infected so I went straight to urgent care. It look a few hours to have it looked and get sorted out but apparently it was an allergic reaction to the bandage tape!  I am hoping it heals ok. Better safe than sorry!

Here is a photo of me in urgent care, they  made me wear a mask since my immune system is compromised and the triage nurse called it a germ fest. Jeff said I looked like someone from Star Wars! :)