I saw this on Facebook today, and it is so very true!
Just because the battle is over doesn't mean you have your head on straight or that your body is magically healed. Recuperation is so important.
Monday, 27 February 2017
Sunday, 26 February 2017
Saturday, 25 February 2017
Hair colour change!
So I got my hair coloured yesterday at Truly You, the salon where I got my wig, my short cut and my shave last summer. It was weird being back there after all I have been through but felt kind of good too. I've come full circle!
I asked for a strawberry blonde and it turned out pretty red/orange. Not sure how I feel about it yet but it is definitely different! At least it looks more purposeful and not just hair growth after chemo now. Could be fun for Jamaica. I will have to dye it again in a month or 6 weeks and could go back to my natural colour or something brownish or blondish if I want to. The sun in Jamaica may make it more blonde in the meantime.
Thursday, 23 February 2017
Wellspring Support group
I have to say that Wellspring is an amazing place! If you know anyone going through cancer treatment, this is the place for them to be. I have done Reiki, nutrition and cooking classes and am in the middle of an 8 week support group for breast cancer patients.
I can't say much about the group and discussion as it is confidential, but today, I felt for the first time I was really able to help another member. I think since I am done the treatment process some of the other women look to me for validation of their feelings and for information. Today, one woman talked about how she is halfway through chemo and she doesn't know how she will be able to make it through the next half. I so remember being there. I remember how thankful I was for the cottage break - that one extra week gave me a bit of a chance to catch my breath. Looking back, it is amazing that I had the resilience to do it - but really what choice do you have? She won't be done til mid April and I am sure it feels like an eternity for her right now. I think I was able to validate that I felt much the same as her, and to reassure her about the switch to Taxol, as starting a new drug is also a source of anxiety.
It feels good to be there for other women who are behind me in the process. I learn a lot from others too, and I feel less alone with it all.
In one of the earlier weeks I was inspired by one of the members with metastatic breast cancer. She talked about how she was living her life how she wants to, and doing the things she really wants to do. I think that is so important, a key message for all of us! Don't waste a moment.
I can't say much about the group and discussion as it is confidential, but today, I felt for the first time I was really able to help another member. I think since I am done the treatment process some of the other women look to me for validation of their feelings and for information. Today, one woman talked about how she is halfway through chemo and she doesn't know how she will be able to make it through the next half. I so remember being there. I remember how thankful I was for the cottage break - that one extra week gave me a bit of a chance to catch my breath. Looking back, it is amazing that I had the resilience to do it - but really what choice do you have? She won't be done til mid April and I am sure it feels like an eternity for her right now. I think I was able to validate that I felt much the same as her, and to reassure her about the switch to Taxol, as starting a new drug is also a source of anxiety.
It feels good to be there for other women who are behind me in the process. I learn a lot from others too, and I feel less alone with it all.
In one of the earlier weeks I was inspired by one of the members with metastatic breast cancer. She talked about how she was living her life how she wants to, and doing the things she really wants to do. I think that is so important, a key message for all of us! Don't waste a moment.
Ama & Papa, These two squirts
Had a nice visit over the weekend with Ama and Papa, and also Colin, Amanda and the girls. These two squirts have my heart!
I kinda feel bad they had to see me go through cancer up close, but they are very sweet. Mya complimented me on my hair and Ally said "I don't want you to die, I love you."
I kinda feel bad they had to see me go through cancer up close, but they are very sweet. Mya complimented me on my hair and Ally said "I don't want you to die, I love you."
Tuesday, 21 February 2017
One way - full documentary
I found the full documentary about Michelle, it is really beautiful and worth the watch.
Monday, 20 February 2017
Time is a gift
I saw this posted on one of my boards - I believe she died of metastatic breast cancer.
"Time truly is a gift. When I have cried from a place I didn’t know existed, I cry for myself. The possibility of me missing my family and friends. The possibility of missing future experiences that will never occur. Then I cry for the simple things I love…the sound of the ocean, taste of ice cream, the way warm sun feels on my skin, how I can’t ever go to sleep till my feet touch Marks… or most of all, the sound of my children laughing or telling me they love me. I never once have cried thinking that I would miss a thing or possession. Not once. Yet so much of our time is spent planning, thinking about, and acquiring things. My sorrow is rooted in missing experiences un-had, moments un-lived, and the love lost from the enriching people that make my life so beautiful. That’s what I’m heartbroken over…and in that is also where my hope resides."
~ Michelle Antaya Grinsel ~ In loving memory
I also found this clip from a documentary of her journey. Such important messages in her words.
Sunday, 19 February 2017
😊
Yesterday I took mimi for a walk without a wig or toque for the first time! I don't know why I was nervous about that but maybe because my neighbours don't know what is going on with me. Feeling brave!
I also wore a coat that didn't use to fit me. So feeling good about that non-scale victory :)
Friday, 17 February 2017
Hair update #13
19 weeks post chemo! I am now experimenting with hair product. I got a sort of pomade/wax that was recommended on one of my breast cancer groups.
I think it adds some volume.
You can see my skin near the neck is healed but still darker. I hope the skin goes back to a normal colour soon!
Wednesday, 15 February 2017
Reiki session
Yesterday I signed up for a Reiki session at Wellspring. It was a very good experience! They offer 3 sessions in total for cancer patients/survivors, which is so great. I imagine to pay for this at a spa or something could be pricy.
Reiki is a program designed to help restore the body's natural and healthy flow of energy, and provides a relaxing experience that enhances one's sense of well-being. Basically you lie on a massage table, and the practitioner does a sort of therapeutic touch, on your face, arms, legs and feet. It is about an hour long session.
It feels almost spiritual in how it works. I don't really understand how it works but I did feel my energy shift through the session. At first it took me some time to really relax. I cried a bit at the beginning. I know I keep tension in my body, and in that tension there is a lot of sadness too so I think it just had to be let out. I thought alot about my cousin Carmen for the first part of the session to be honest. I think I buried a lot of the grief for her as I dealt with my own battle with cancer, and that all came to the surface. I thought about her and Angel together. As the session went on, I started to have more positive thoughts, I was able to let go of some of the sad energy, I had visions of my future. Towards the end, I felt like my body was buzzing with good energy. It felt like my body had a green aura, and my brain was relaxed and clear.
I get it might take a leap of faith to understand this and believe it helps people, but it did for me! I had one of the best sleeps in a long, long time last night. I think I will have to do it again.
Reiki is a program designed to help restore the body's natural and healthy flow of energy, and provides a relaxing experience that enhances one's sense of well-being. Basically you lie on a massage table, and the practitioner does a sort of therapeutic touch, on your face, arms, legs and feet. It is about an hour long session.
It feels almost spiritual in how it works. I don't really understand how it works but I did feel my energy shift through the session. At first it took me some time to really relax. I cried a bit at the beginning. I know I keep tension in my body, and in that tension there is a lot of sadness too so I think it just had to be let out. I thought alot about my cousin Carmen for the first part of the session to be honest. I think I buried a lot of the grief for her as I dealt with my own battle with cancer, and that all came to the surface. I thought about her and Angel together. As the session went on, I started to have more positive thoughts, I was able to let go of some of the sad energy, I had visions of my future. Towards the end, I felt like my body was buzzing with good energy. It felt like my body had a green aura, and my brain was relaxed and clear.
I get it might take a leap of faith to understand this and believe it helps people, but it did for me! I had one of the best sleeps in a long, long time last night. I think I will have to do it again.
Saturday, 11 February 2017
Moving my body!
Looking back on earlier posts during chemo I remember how hard it was not to exercise! Part of my spirit died with the mobility constraints.
These days, especially now that radiation is over, I am pushing myself more. Doing Jillian DVDs 6 days a week and trying more challenging levels too. Trying to get my body back in shape, especially with Jamaica coming up. But it's more than the physical, it gives me a sense of power over my body again. And it's keeping me healthy too. So grateful to move again.
Feeling pretty badass! 😉
Friday, 10 February 2017
Thursday, 9 February 2017
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
My diagnosis
I think its about time I write about how this all went down last spring. Speaking to Dr. Sarne yesterday brought it all back, and maybe if I tell the story, I can let it go and move forward.
It was early April 2016 when I felt the lump. Being younger, I have dense and somewhat lumpier breasts but this lump was in a spot where I hadn't felt one before. I was overdue for my annual physical by about 6 months (because the old Jen put work ahead of a lot of things!) so I booked it for the third week of April with my family doctor at Appletree. She felt the lump and said it was probably fibroadenoma which is like a benign lump - she thought this because it felt like the tip of my nose. I remember saying to her "so I don't need to worry?" And she said no, but she said she would give me a requisition for an ultrasound. This was the first of many times that medical staff tried to reassure me during the diagnostic stage. I know they probably do that to help patients keep calm but sometimes I wonder if its the best strategy.
I ended up going for an ultrasound across the street from my work, a few days later. At that appointment, the tech showed the images to the radiologist, came back in and told me it looked benign at quick glance, and she wanted me to know "since I know you must be worried." I left that appointment feeling like I dodged a bullet although I knew I needed to have the final results sent to my doctor and get the news from her.
In the meantime, Jeff and I had planned our trip to San Fransisco in early May with his parents so I was busy getting ready for that. While I was there - and this is probably 2+ weeks later by the way - I get a call from some random staff person at Appletree that I need to come in to see my family doctor as soon as possible for my results. I said I was out of town but I could come on the Sunday when I was back. The person said to go to my usual clinic and the doctor (not my family doctor but one covering) would see me.
At this point I am thinking I must have cancer. I remember expressing my fears to Jeff and trying not to freak out. We decided to focus on the rest of the trip and not worry until we knew more.
I hadn't really had other symptoms per say besides the lump, but later Jeff told me that he thought my stamina was a bit lower than usual - he noticed this as we were walking up the crazy hills of San Fran, and he was faster than me! And I am the one that works out 5 days a week.
When I get home I check my records online as I can see the status of my ultrasound test results - I can see when they get to the doctor and when she reviews them. My family doctor took about 2 weeks to even look at the goddamn test results. I am not happy.
I show up at my clinic on the Queensway on Sunday to see this other doctor and am told it is appointments only that day. I leave, feeling pretty pissed off, because I was told on the phone to get in there asap and was turned away.
I decide to try the Appletree clinic on lakeshore that same day, and drive directly there. Dr. Sarne, who I have never met, is there taking walkins.
When I first met him, he said I should really be talking to my family doctor and I explained how she is incredibly difficult to get time with, and even was slow on the review of the results. He told me that the ultrasound wasn't conclusive, that it could be fibroadenoma but there were some "abnormal" cells. A mammogram was being suggested as a next step. I remember crying in his office that day. I was pretty darn scared. But still had no answers. Dr. Sarne offered to see me through with the next steps and I was very thankful.
I did the mammogram later that week. I had to go to a different clinic this time as the one across from my work didn't do mammograms, so I went to a place up by Yorkdale. They did the mammogram, and then did a repeat ultrasound on my breast, and also an ultrasound of my armpit. As they kept doing more and more imaging, I was getting more and more worried and I did cry again at that clinic. The tech tried to console me that this was all just precautionary.
Dr. Sarne got the test results and contacted me that day, to call me back in. I saw him the next day. Jeff came this time. But again it was inconclusive. The clinic was suggesting a biopsy of the lump now. I went back there within a couple days, and they did the biopsy. It was like a big needle that they put into the lump to gather fluid. They took two samples from different parts of it. It hurt a bit and I was bruised afterwards. I had to wait about two weeks to get those results back. I was super busy at work at that time so I did put it out of my mind for the most part. I had brought my director in the loop about what was going on though.
Dr. Sarne called me back in as soon as he got the results of the biopsy. By this time it was June 9th, and I arranged to go in after work that day. I booked the appointment in the online system as I usually do. That night, I had dinner and took mimi out for a walk. When I got back I had 2 missed calls on my phone, from the clinic, saying that it looked like I cancelled the appointment and to please come in as it was urgent. I hadn't cancelled anything so I don't know what happened but when I got those messages I was overcome by fear and my stomach dropped. I told Jeff what happened and that I didn't think it was good news. I was full of fear as we drove together to the clinic that night.
Dr. Sarne got us from the waiting area and instead of going into one of the clinic rooms, he took us to his office in the back. I knew when he asked us to come into is office it was bad news. I can't remember a lot of the conversation but I do remember he said that the biopsy came back as cancer and it was an aggressive type of breast cancer. I was sort of stunned into shock and silence. I couldn't really think or speak. I remember Jeff asking some questions but I think we couldn't really process it in that moment.
We did talk about the referral to an oncologist, and Dr. Sarne said that if I was a member of his family he would send me to Princess Margaret, and I said send me there! Dr. Sarne processed the referral that night for me.
Jeff and I drove home trying to process this. Both of us felt triggered by another traumatic event. It felt very similar to getting the news about Angel. I told him I am sorry for letting him down again. He said that even if he had known everything that would have happened with me/us, he would still have chosen to be with me.
And so began the process of being a cancer patient. Looking back, that was a horrible time for us. I have overcome so much and have had such a successful treatment plan with PMH/Mount Sinai. I am forever grateful to all the people in my medical team, including Dr. Sarne.
Oh, and I have changed family doctors now. Despite being thankful for Dr. Sarne in this particular situation, I am done with Appletree. I don't want to get lost in the shuffle any longer, and I met with a doctor at Etobicoke Medical that I like. She is in her early 40s I think, and I explained how I am changing because of the lack of timely response from my family doctor at Appletree, so I think she understands given my situation that I have high expectations on patient care and response!
From finding the lump, to the confirmation of cancer, it was about 2 months. Luckily once it was determined as cancer, things move very very quickly. My first chemo was June 23rd! And now, 8 months later, I am done all treatment. Cancer is slayed!!
It was early April 2016 when I felt the lump. Being younger, I have dense and somewhat lumpier breasts but this lump was in a spot where I hadn't felt one before. I was overdue for my annual physical by about 6 months (because the old Jen put work ahead of a lot of things!) so I booked it for the third week of April with my family doctor at Appletree. She felt the lump and said it was probably fibroadenoma which is like a benign lump - she thought this because it felt like the tip of my nose. I remember saying to her "so I don't need to worry?" And she said no, but she said she would give me a requisition for an ultrasound. This was the first of many times that medical staff tried to reassure me during the diagnostic stage. I know they probably do that to help patients keep calm but sometimes I wonder if its the best strategy.
I ended up going for an ultrasound across the street from my work, a few days later. At that appointment, the tech showed the images to the radiologist, came back in and told me it looked benign at quick glance, and she wanted me to know "since I know you must be worried." I left that appointment feeling like I dodged a bullet although I knew I needed to have the final results sent to my doctor and get the news from her.
In the meantime, Jeff and I had planned our trip to San Fransisco in early May with his parents so I was busy getting ready for that. While I was there - and this is probably 2+ weeks later by the way - I get a call from some random staff person at Appletree that I need to come in to see my family doctor as soon as possible for my results. I said I was out of town but I could come on the Sunday when I was back. The person said to go to my usual clinic and the doctor (not my family doctor but one covering) would see me.
At this point I am thinking I must have cancer. I remember expressing my fears to Jeff and trying not to freak out. We decided to focus on the rest of the trip and not worry until we knew more.
I hadn't really had other symptoms per say besides the lump, but later Jeff told me that he thought my stamina was a bit lower than usual - he noticed this as we were walking up the crazy hills of San Fran, and he was faster than me! And I am the one that works out 5 days a week.
When I get home I check my records online as I can see the status of my ultrasound test results - I can see when they get to the doctor and when she reviews them. My family doctor took about 2 weeks to even look at the goddamn test results. I am not happy.
I show up at my clinic on the Queensway on Sunday to see this other doctor and am told it is appointments only that day. I leave, feeling pretty pissed off, because I was told on the phone to get in there asap and was turned away.
I decide to try the Appletree clinic on lakeshore that same day, and drive directly there. Dr. Sarne, who I have never met, is there taking walkins.
When I first met him, he said I should really be talking to my family doctor and I explained how she is incredibly difficult to get time with, and even was slow on the review of the results. He told me that the ultrasound wasn't conclusive, that it could be fibroadenoma but there were some "abnormal" cells. A mammogram was being suggested as a next step. I remember crying in his office that day. I was pretty darn scared. But still had no answers. Dr. Sarne offered to see me through with the next steps and I was very thankful.
I did the mammogram later that week. I had to go to a different clinic this time as the one across from my work didn't do mammograms, so I went to a place up by Yorkdale. They did the mammogram, and then did a repeat ultrasound on my breast, and also an ultrasound of my armpit. As they kept doing more and more imaging, I was getting more and more worried and I did cry again at that clinic. The tech tried to console me that this was all just precautionary.
Dr. Sarne got the test results and contacted me that day, to call me back in. I saw him the next day. Jeff came this time. But again it was inconclusive. The clinic was suggesting a biopsy of the lump now. I went back there within a couple days, and they did the biopsy. It was like a big needle that they put into the lump to gather fluid. They took two samples from different parts of it. It hurt a bit and I was bruised afterwards. I had to wait about two weeks to get those results back. I was super busy at work at that time so I did put it out of my mind for the most part. I had brought my director in the loop about what was going on though.
Dr. Sarne called me back in as soon as he got the results of the biopsy. By this time it was June 9th, and I arranged to go in after work that day. I booked the appointment in the online system as I usually do. That night, I had dinner and took mimi out for a walk. When I got back I had 2 missed calls on my phone, from the clinic, saying that it looked like I cancelled the appointment and to please come in as it was urgent. I hadn't cancelled anything so I don't know what happened but when I got those messages I was overcome by fear and my stomach dropped. I told Jeff what happened and that I didn't think it was good news. I was full of fear as we drove together to the clinic that night.
Dr. Sarne got us from the waiting area and instead of going into one of the clinic rooms, he took us to his office in the back. I knew when he asked us to come into is office it was bad news. I can't remember a lot of the conversation but I do remember he said that the biopsy came back as cancer and it was an aggressive type of breast cancer. I was sort of stunned into shock and silence. I couldn't really think or speak. I remember Jeff asking some questions but I think we couldn't really process it in that moment.
We did talk about the referral to an oncologist, and Dr. Sarne said that if I was a member of his family he would send me to Princess Margaret, and I said send me there! Dr. Sarne processed the referral that night for me.
Jeff and I drove home trying to process this. Both of us felt triggered by another traumatic event. It felt very similar to getting the news about Angel. I told him I am sorry for letting him down again. He said that even if he had known everything that would have happened with me/us, he would still have chosen to be with me.
And so began the process of being a cancer patient. Looking back, that was a horrible time for us. I have overcome so much and have had such a successful treatment plan with PMH/Mount Sinai. I am forever grateful to all the people in my medical team, including Dr. Sarne.
Oh, and I have changed family doctors now. Despite being thankful for Dr. Sarne in this particular situation, I am done with Appletree. I don't want to get lost in the shuffle any longer, and I met with a doctor at Etobicoke Medical that I like. She is in her early 40s I think, and I explained how I am changing because of the lack of timely response from my family doctor at Appletree, so I think she understands given my situation that I have high expectations on patient care and response!
From finding the lump, to the confirmation of cancer, it was about 2 months. Luckily once it was determined as cancer, things move very very quickly. My first chemo was June 23rd! And now, 8 months later, I am done all treatment. Cancer is slayed!!
Dr. Sarne
I haven't spoken of Dr. Sarne before. He is the doctor from Appletree that was key during my diagnosis stage. I will tell the whole story in detail in another post. But essentially my family doctor at Appletree was incredibly busy and difficult to get time with, so besides directing me to the first ultrasound she had no important role in my diagnosis - and actually was disappointing, which I will explain when I tell the story.
Dr. Sarne, however, helped me to expedite the follow up mammogram and biopsy, and was the one to deliver the news to Jeff and I.
I sent him a thank you card last week, because I am so thankful he did help me during that critical stage. With his help I was able to push things along and based on what I know now, it helped me get treatment before it spread too far or to the lymph nodes.
In a way it might have been fate that I went to see him. Really I had to because my doctor was MIA. His wife, sister and mother all had breast cancer (and beat it by the way).
He called me yesterday, to thank me for the thank you card. :) It was actually somewhat triggering to hear his voice again, it brought me back to that difficult time. He sounded so touched by the card though, and said they would post it on the board at the clinic.
Sunday, 5 February 2017
Friday, 3 February 2017
Skin update
What a difference a week can make! My skin is so much better. 😊
On the road being fully healed!
Thursday, 2 February 2017
Appointment with Dr Hunter
I had another good discussion with Dr. Hunter yesterday. We spent most of the time talking about the transition after treatment is over. I do feel a lot of relief to be done the marathon and to be on this side of the mountain. It does feel strange not to be going to the hospital regularly anymore - I feel a bit abandoned but obviously I don't need to be going, nor do I want to, and the doctors need to focus on patients that are in active treatment now! Last Thursday when I finished, the last thing I felt like doing was going out and celebrating. Jeff suggested going out for dinner but my skin was killing me! Now that I am starting to heal, I think I will be ready to start celebrating in the coming weeks. By the time Jamaica rolls around, I know I will be ready to really enjoy it.
Dr. Hunter used a term that was in the article I shared awhile back - "Convalescence" - to take time to grow strong emotionally and physically. That is exactly what phase I am in now. He said that there used to be hospitals (or sections of them) that focused on convalescence specifically but it no longer exists given the expense. But that it is an important phase, to spend that time recovering from being sick. Jeff and I talked about this too - I've spent the last 8 months pushing forward to the next step, the next chemo, getting through surgery, radiation every day for 6 weeks - it was all consuming just to tackle each step physically, mentally and emotionally, and I didn't have much mental energy to reflect on what was actually happening and what it means to my life. So that takes some processing.
Strangely enough there have been times during this current struggle where I have also be triggered by what happened with Angel, because some of the feelings are so similar. Confidence in my body for example. Being emotionally drained. Being uncertain about the future. Feeling anxious or vulnerable in certain situations. They are both traumatic experiences and Dr. Hunter didn't seem to think it was strange that I felt that way.
Now that I am on solid ground I am looking back with amazement of all I actually went through. Jeff and I were chatting with my brother last night about one particular chemo when I had unbearable bone pain, and nothing was working. If I really sit back and think about it, my body has been through the wringer!
Cancer is a gift that keeps on giving too. I talked to Dr. Hunter about a nutrition session I went to at wellspring, and how because of cancer/chemotherapy, I am now more at risk for heart disease, diabetes and osteoporosis. Yay me! Although it does motivate me to continue to eat better, exercise, and take care of myself. It is a necessity. He joked about eating kale 3 times a day and I laughed because they made us a kale and sweet potato stew. What can you do but laugh really. And carry on.
Dr. Hunter used a term that was in the article I shared awhile back - "Convalescence" - to take time to grow strong emotionally and physically. That is exactly what phase I am in now. He said that there used to be hospitals (or sections of them) that focused on convalescence specifically but it no longer exists given the expense. But that it is an important phase, to spend that time recovering from being sick. Jeff and I talked about this too - I've spent the last 8 months pushing forward to the next step, the next chemo, getting through surgery, radiation every day for 6 weeks - it was all consuming just to tackle each step physically, mentally and emotionally, and I didn't have much mental energy to reflect on what was actually happening and what it means to my life. So that takes some processing.
Strangely enough there have been times during this current struggle where I have also be triggered by what happened with Angel, because some of the feelings are so similar. Confidence in my body for example. Being emotionally drained. Being uncertain about the future. Feeling anxious or vulnerable in certain situations. They are both traumatic experiences and Dr. Hunter didn't seem to think it was strange that I felt that way.
Now that I am on solid ground I am looking back with amazement of all I actually went through. Jeff and I were chatting with my brother last night about one particular chemo when I had unbearable bone pain, and nothing was working. If I really sit back and think about it, my body has been through the wringer!
Cancer is a gift that keeps on giving too. I talked to Dr. Hunter about a nutrition session I went to at wellspring, and how because of cancer/chemotherapy, I am now more at risk for heart disease, diabetes and osteoporosis. Yay me! Although it does motivate me to continue to eat better, exercise, and take care of myself. It is a necessity. He joked about eating kale 3 times a day and I laughed because they made us a kale and sweet potato stew. What can you do but laugh really. And carry on.
Wednesday, 1 February 2017
I'm healing!
My skin has improved so much since Friday! I think the saline soaks are really helping 😊
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