Annual mammogram

I went for my annual mammogram last Thursday, at the breast clinic at mount Sinai. It was relatively quick and just a bit uncomfortable. They tech said they only call with any news, but I see Dr. Amir Thursday so I can check with him on any results. Hoping it is just a new baseline going forward. 

I wasn't as anxious as I thought I might be. I am proud of myself for making it through, I am feeling stronger :)

Return to work class last week

My return to work class last week focused on communication. We talked about how to initiate and have the discussion with your employer, doctor and insurance company about returning to work. We also were provided a gradual return to work template. I did my homework and my return to work plan is drafted, indicating limitations and restrictions and an 8 week return that builds up days/hours over time. I am hoping to discuss it with one of my oncologists or my family doctor and get them to sign off, before I present to my employer and insurance company. I also did a bit of a script to speak to all parties. I am hopeful I will be supported in this process but you never know! Wish me luck!!

What your friends with cancer want you to know

http://cancer.baydakh.com/2016/02/12/what-your-friends-with-cancer-want-you-to-know-but-are-afraid-to-say/

Thursday thoughts ❤️

  

Benefits and risks of annual mammograms

 

Final art therapy class

Here is my mandala and my painted clay from my final art therapy class. I really enjoyed the process of it all! 

 

  

Return to work class this week

I had another good return to work class this week.  We watched videos of previous cancer survivors who returned to work, and they talked about their feelings, coping strategies, advice, etc.

Here are some of the things they said that stuck out for me:

The first survivor was a doctor who got breast cancer.  She said that work had a major role in her identity and leaving work left her very raw, with nothing, and she had to pick up the pieces.  But she learned to love the raw her.  She came back to work with a new tenacity and empowerment.

She said to be mindful of your energy - "only the healthy me is helpful."
She worried that her brain wasn't functioning very fast and she said to forgive yourself if you can't remember everything.

She brought back to work her energy, her survivorship and some inspiration of others.

Survivorship is a journey, a shadow that won't disappear.  Make peace with it. Make the most of every day.

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The second survivor said that she worried returning to work because work = stress = cancer.  She was scared of the stress returning and the cancer returning.  She continued her meditation practice to help with stress.

She structured her day where she had no meetings first thing or at the end of the day, only 10-3, so she had time blocked to plan and stay organized.   She works from home every other day, and this allows her to balance her life with more rest and time to exercise. She had weekly discussions with her boss to see if she had too much work or could take on more.   She built up her work commitments over time.  She said to be yourself and do the best you can.  Slow down and don't be an over achiever. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Only you know what you have gone through.  You have to be your best advocate - with your doctors, your boss, your colleagues and your clients.  Let them know what you need for a successful transition back.

Work is important but health, life, family comes first.

Cancer is life or death, work ISN'T!!!

Build yourself up physically, mentally and spiritually.

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The third survivor said she was exhausted by the commute stress on her first day back.  She said that before she was diagnosed, she thinks that the stress and pace of work led to her ignoring her body (I can related to that!!)

She had a project for the first year of her return.  She tried to balance healthy living within the long days.  Eventually she changed careers and became a leadership coach.

She said that through wellspring programs her soul grew and healed.  You must take care of yourself, this is the most important goal.

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The fourth survivor said that there is satisfaction in knowing you can make a difference again.  Be grateful for what you do have.  Quiet your mind with meditation and journalling.  Don't be afraid, face your fears and do one day at a time.  You may push yourself, fail and cry but you will pick yourself back up.  You have changed in a good way.  But your spirit and worth has not changed.  Your goals have not changed.  You can go after what you want and be fulfilled. Be passionate about work again.

Cancer slayer pin

Got this in the mail from my cousin Laura, I love it!

 

 

 

Toronto star article -AYA unique needs

https://www.thestar.com/life/health_wellness/2017/05/15/doctors-notes-younger-patients-face-unique-challenges-post-cancer.html

Oh yes.

 

Sounds like a good goal to me

 

Lace up for love for wellspring!

I did it! 5km run for wellspring! I raised 1250 dollars for this amazing organization. I was a bit faster than my practice runs too, although I did start to lose steam around 4km. Had to stop a couple times to catch my breath. But I am friggin proud of myself! 7 months post chemo and my first official run is complete! 💪🏻🏃‍♀️😊👍🏻🌸🎀🙏🏻

 

   

 

The magnitude of cancer....and how I felt today

At my last appointment with Dr. Easson, she said "Cancer is a life altering event."  Then today, at my annual physical with my family doctor, she said "You've been through a trauma."

Both comments really stuck in my head. Sometimes you forget the magnitude of what you've been through.  Both comments are one hundred percent true.

Today, I feel like I am sick of trying to be resilient.  Today, I am tired.  Today, I cried when they couldn't find a vein in my arm to take blood.  Today, I felt sad for the state of my body and what chemo did to it.

Today, I feel like others don't get what I went through.  Today, I feel like a different person than I was.

Today, I walked into my work building for the first time in almost a year and it was bizarre.  Today, I saw some of my staff and I felt their kindness and love.  Today, I realized how missed I've been at work.  Today, I felt the stress of work creeping up my spine again.  Today,  I was even more confused about whether I will like my job still.  Today, I questioned if I will be truly ready to go back to work when I want/plan to.

Today, I realized cancer kicks the shit out of your confidence in ways you don't even realize.  Today, I mourned my health just a little bit.

Today, I felt alittle bit sorry for myself.  Today, I was a bit overwhelmed.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Let it be a better one!

Return to work session and stressors

I had another good return to work session this week. We did a bit of an exercise to compare our physical and cognitive abilities and use right now versus an average work day.   Physically I am doing great, I am working out and walking the dog.  Cognitively I need some focus.  I don't do a ton of reading, writing, problem solving, multi-tasking etc right now.  The facilitator gave us a calendar for May and June and said to schedule time to do brain activities.   There are apps you can download that help with cognitive practice so I will try that. I will also up my reading and writing, and take time to get back into what is happening in the government and in my ministry.   I can get up to speed on news events related to my organization, which will help me understand the business needs at the moment.

I had a call with my director this week too.  It was pleasant enough.  She has invited me to a branch session on June 6 and I think I will probably go.  Starting to think more about work and what it will be like to go back.   I met a few staff today for lunch and got some more updates on things that are happening.  A lot can change in a year believe it or not!  Also so far 3 of my staff have left for other jobs.  I feel like my team is dismantled.  The branch has the lowest employee survey results in the ministry this year.  A lot of these issues are related to new management while I have been away.  It is very frustrating and not making me eager to return.  But I am working towards the gradual return in July, and I will see how it all goes.   The person acting for me right now (one of my staff) is very eager for me to get back!  I told her to hang in there.  But I am a bit worried about being bombarded as soon as I set foot in the office.

I will really have to work on setting those personal boundaries, and not letting people take advantage of me. Health is number one!!

Hair watch - 7 months post chemo

 

The Word Remission

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/10-23-2014/i-hate-the-word-remission

Art therapy #5

Here's my work from art therapy this week.

The warm up exercise was what you were thinking about on the way to wellspring. I was enjoying the sunshine and also thinking of Carmen, Maria and John. Those are the 3 birds :)

 

We then did some more painting with acrylic paint. We didn't have time to recap on what we did which was ok, I didn't feel anything in particular for these except just liking the colours and thinking of spring.

 

 

Appointment with Dr. Hunter

I had a really good session with Dr. Hunter yesterday. I updated him on the return to work course and the fear of recurrence workshops I did and it led to some good discussion.

For the return to work, I do feel the class is getting me ready to return, I feel it after only 2 sessions.  In this past session we talked about different transitions we have done in the past related to work, such as our very first job, moving from private sector to public sector, moving from policy and program work to HR, moving to a manager job, getting a new boss, and of course my other return to work after Angel died.   We talked about how we felt and how we coped with transitions, and it made me realize that I have done this before and will do it again.

I think part of the anxiety I have for returning this time is it triggers that time after Angel died.  It wasn't great.  I was in a bad place obviously, and I was very vulnerable.  It is difficult to face colleagues that knew you were pregnant and now you aren't. Or even worse explaining to those that didn't know.   Also I was so uninterested in work when I first went back. I do worry it will be the same this time, although as we talked about yesterday, this is a more positive return.  Yes I had cancer, but I am returning because I am well again.  I think people (especially my staff) will be excited/happy for me, and I do think I will have the support (or at least I hope so!).  I am going to do a gradual return as well, which I didn't do last time. I think that will be important. In my return to work class we started to look at a gradual return schedule for 8 weeks, and that is getting me thinking about how it will work for me too.   After going through all this with Dr. Hunter I did feel a bit better generally.  He did say that likely no one in the return to work class has quite a provocative return to work situation to link back to so in that sense I am unique. But to remember that this is a different return, and a happy return.

We talked about the fear of recurrence workshop too and he took a lot of notes about what I learned! I think he might use some of it going forward.  I don't think it is something I will every shake completely but I do feel like I am doing all I can for myself to live in the present and live healthily.  He liked the "illusion of certainty" point from the workshop a lot.  We talked also about how there isn't a fairness in how many difficult situations people are allocated in life.  I think I am doing as well as I can given some of the trauma and challenges I've had in the last 6 years. He said how things are just random, and you can't really know what will impact you.  He mentioned how he was reading about Ethiopia, the poorest country in Africa and likely the world, and that their life expectancy is about half ours.  If you are randomly born there, you may only live till 40 years old.  It's things that like that change your perspective.  Really, I have so much in my life, despite the challenges I've faced.

Finally we talked about Carmen again, in relation to the fear of recurrence and randomness discussion.  I've been thinking of her a lot this past week.  Sometimes I wonder why she died and I get to live.  She left behind a daughter, and I feel so torn up about that.  Dr. Hunter talked about how I have no control over who gets to live or die.   And that I shouldn't feel less worthy to live because I don't have a living child.  We talked about cognitive reframing for this so I can stop focusing on it so much.  That I could come up with a sentence to get out of the mindset.  I was thinking about it last night and I might use something like "I am worthy to survive and be with my loved ones."  If I start to dwell on the randomness and unfairness of this particular situation, I can call up that phrase.

What it's like to go through cancer treatment

Copied from another...

"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this:

One day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.

Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!

So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.

Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”

As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?

Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.

Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”

Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.

Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.

And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”

Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f*ck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”

Fear of Recurrence Workshop - Part 2

I went to the 2nd half of the Fear of Recurrence workshop at Wellspring on Monday.   It was really good.

We talked about Anxiety Management Strategies, and there are a lot of good ones to keep in mind.

1) Know your medical follow up plan.  Know to to go to for answers.

2) Be informed - to a point.  Don't google every last thing about your cancer - you will go crazy!  Only look at reputable websites.

3) Focus on physical wellness strategies, like rest, diet and exercise.

4) Ensure you have authentic expression of feelings.  If you are inauthentic, you carry the feelings of sadness or fear all on your own.  Consider doing talk therapy, journalling, creative outlets etc.  Don't neglect your emotional wellbeing.

5) Practice cognitive reframing.  e.g: Change "there is nothing I can do" to "I am going to do everything I can to help myself."   Find something to be grateful for in the midst of chaos.

6) Don't blame yourself for the cancer.  Don't be responsible for your cancer, be responsible to your cancer.  e.g.: What can I do now?  Focus on quality of life (not length of life).

7)  Learn relaxation/meditation/visualization.  Relax your body and you will relax your mind.

8) Don't isolate yourself - find a community. e.g.: Wellspring

9) Patients involved in self-help activities life longer and better!  Only 1% of the cancer population do self-help activities (like Wellspring programming).  Take the active response - "What else can I do to help myself?"

10) Find meaning/purpose in your life (your new normal).  What is most important?  How do I want to spend my time?  You can improve the quality of your life.  Find new meaning in life after cancer.  This could also include being of service to others, volunteering, etc.

11) Humour heals!  Laugh a lot!

12) Be here now!

Quotes worth sharing