I had a session with Dr. Hunter this week. It's been a couple months since we have met, as I didn't have any more time booked and so getting more sessions arranged took some time! He is so busy, he can only see people once a month basically. It is sad there is such high demand for him.
The session focused on two things that have been on my mind a lot, which is fear of recurrence and returning to work. Not necessarily new topics but now that treatment is done, I am thinking about both a lot more.
I told him about how the AYA lectureship triggered me and we went into it in more depth. He said there are two ways to go with fear of recurrence/death and one is to get busy with your life and not think about it, or look it straight on and try to process what you are feeling. I said I didn't think I could turn my head, so we talked about it more in the session. I think what I struggle with a lot is not having control and dealing with the fear.
I know my cousin Carmen didn't want to die. I know I don't want to either. It is so unbelievable unfair that cancer took her away. I think about her and her husband and her daughter a lot.
For me, it is frustrating to have the fear in the back of my mind. I don't want to feel that way. I wish I was one of those people that could turn their head. Every little symptom, ache, pain, etc makes me worry it is cancer, as unrealistic as that is. I know I did all I could and treatment gave me the best possible chance.
We talked about my guiding principles - I have started to write them out. The number one priority for me is to have harmony, balance and well-being. This will be more important to keep focus on when I return to work. I don't want to become the workaholic I was, or be so consumed by work again. And I think from a health perspective I can't. Stress is a killer and my health is number one.
I worry about being able to perform at the same level as I once did. Because I do plan to insist on work-life balance. And I do think I still have some chemo brain too. Dr. Hunter said that it's just like lifting weights, you won't be able to lift 50 pounds on day one. You have to retain and rebuild your muscles again. That made me feel a bit better, as I do worry I will be expected to be 100% immediately.
The other thing is I have changed. I might not be the same person at work that I once was. As someone who gave everything to their job and their staff - I have a different perspective now. A more selfish perspective. Because I have to remember my guiding principles and live my life for me, now more than ever. I won't know until I try it though, if this particular job is still for me.
We talked about working the things that are important to me into my life even after I go back to work. Like taking care of me through exercise and eating well, meditation and healing practices - this can't take a backseat when I go back. Like travelling - making it a priority to take time off, paid or unpaid, and see the places I want to see. I need to establish my own personal boundaries, so I am not pushed too hard and I don't forget what is important to me.
I think a lot of these feelings are common in people who have gone through cancer. You've been given a second chance and you want to make the most of it. I feel a sense of urgency, to do all that I want to do.
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I also had my second healing journey session this week, and it was about managing your thoughts. Perfect topic for where I am right now. The facilitator talked about how thinking is a voluntary act (we choose what we think) and all emotions are preceded by thought. We can control our emotions by controlling our thoughts.
To manage thoughts and feelings:
1) acknowledge the thought - and be aware of the emotions that follow
2) express the thoughts and feelings - through talking to others, writing about them, exercising or playing music, doing relaxation exercises like deep breathing, meditation, guided imagery
3) substitute more positive thoughts and actions - e.g.: replace "There is nothing I can do" with "I will do everything I can to help myself"
It sounds so logical but this really helped me and I think it will help me with my difficult thoughts about the cancer returning. As a shortcut to remember the 3 steps, she said to think: Identify, Discharge and Replace.
We ended the session with a guided imagery meditation, and the healing circle.
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