On Monday, I went to a Wells Talk at Wellspring on Fear of Recurrence. It is part 1 of 2, and it was really interesting and helpful.
The speaker was a psychologist and spent time up front talking about what a recurrence is (different kinds), what triggers our anxiety or fear, responses to fear (flight, fight, freeze, freak).
We then got into how avoiding fear doesn't heal it. What's important is to adopt a self-loving relationship with yourself. Happiness is an inside job, and you need to love, honour and cherish yourself.
She talked about statistics for a bit, and said they are a story about a group of people, not an individual. They are also not facts. They are taken from studies that are often several years old.
Related to the statistics discussion, she then read this excerpt from "When Breath Becomes Air" - I actually read this whole book months ago in 2 days. It is written by a neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer.
I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely. The problem wasn’t really a scientific one. The fact of death is unsettling. Yet there is no other way to live.
The reason doctors don’t give patients specific prognoses is not merely because they cannot. The range of what is reasonably possible is just so wide. Based on today’s therapies, I might die within two years, or I might make it to 10. If you add in the uncertainty based on new therapies available in two or three years, that range may be completely different. Faced with mortality, scientific knowledge can provide only an ounce of certainty: Yes, you will die. But one wants a full pound of certainty, and that is not on offer.
What patients seek is not scientific knowledge doctors hide, but existential authenticity each must find on her own. Getting too deep into statistics is like trying to quench a thirst with salty water. The angst of facing mortality has no remedy in probability.
I remember the moment when my overwhelming uneasiness yielded. Seven words from Samuel Beckett, a writer I’ve not even read that well, learned long ago as an undergraduate, began to repeat in my head, and the seemingly impassable sea of uncertainty parted: “I can’t go on. I’ll go on.” I took a step forward, repeating the phrase over and over: “I can’t go on. I’ll go on."
Paul Kalanithi is a chief resident in neurological surgery at Stanford University.
We had a discussion about existential authenticity as a group. She said it means "Being real (here) in the now." Fear is very future oriented, and regret is past oriented. What is key is to live in the present, find what is important to you and live your values. No statistics can tell you what will happen to you. People who have dealt with cancer face uncertainty but EVERYONE faces uncertainty. People without cancer perhaps have an illusion of certainty. And mine has been taken away a bit. But how am I going to live with uncertainty? That is what I need to figure out and it is an internal/spiritual problem.
We are all so hung up on doing rather than being. Our intrinsic worth resides in our being, not our doing.
To be continued next week....
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