Session with Dr. Hunter

I went into the session with Dr. Hunter yesterday preoccupied with the news from Nalie.  It ended up guiding the whole session, and the time went by so quickly, but he always does an amazing job of making me feel better.

He reassured me that to hear this kind of news about a peer is triggering and can cause me to think about my own situation.  It doesn't mean it will happen to me.  I have other examples of women close to my age beating this, and one example is my friend Trish from junior high, who had the exact same breast cancer 6 years ago.

He offered to talk about worst case scenarios with me though, in order to process the feelings.

We talked about coping with the feelings in the moment. I said I like to write about it, to get it out of my head and not stew, and I talk to others about it, like Jeff, some friends, and other breast cancer warriors who understand why I feel triggered.   Other things like exercise and meditation have helped with general anxiety and keeping it in check.

We also spent time talking about what I want out of my life now.   I talked about how if I knew my time was limited, I would want to maximize that time I had left.  I would want to focus on the things that are of real priority to me, like spending time with family and friends and enjoying those relationships as much as possible.  Like travelling and seeing new places or visiting old ones like our second "home" - Jamaica.  Work doesn't even make the list if I had a terminal diagnosis.  This is a major change for me, someone that was a workaholic up until I got this diagnosis.   The truth is that getting cancer had made me reflect on what is important in life, and my priorities have changed.

Even without a terminal diagnosis, I am looking at life so very differently.  We talked about determining the "guiding principles' of my life now.  What is most important to me and how do I ensure I maximize my time?  I plan to give this some real thought and to write it down, and it will be a touchstone for me as I venture back into a more "regular" life in the coming months.

Living by these guiding principles will make sure that regardless of what happens to me in the future, I will feel fulfilled and will live a life without regret.    This is the best way I can think of to cope with the uncertainty of being someone who has had cancer, and doesn't know the future.

I would never want to be in a situation where I did get that terminal diagnosis, and then because I was put into treatment immediately, my quality of life is destroyed before I can live and do all the things that I want to.

I also don't want to wait until retirement to enjoy life.  What if I don't even make it there?  I am not going to be irresponsible with saving, but I do plan to make travel and other experiences a priority and will be setting aside money to celebrate life making memories.

I plan to go back to my job in the spring, but if after 3-6 months I just don't feel good in it anymore, I will move on.  I will find something that gives me the work-life balance that I want now.  I don't need to manage others or move up the chain of command to be fulfilled.    I just need a job that I am passionate about.  And I might even look for volunteer work that gives me additional satisfaction in that way, perhaps in the breast cancer community.

This session shifted my mindset and allowed me to start to think about how to take control of my life, to find contentment even in uncertainty.  He's a brilliant therapist isn't he!  And I think I did pretty darn good too trying to sort through all this and find some peace.

if there are things you want out of life, don't wait!  Do it now, live your dreams, find your own guiding principles and have no regrets.