Surgery nerves and session with Dr Hunter

I've been feeling a bit nervous about my surgery on Tuesday. I don't like being put under Anesthetic and I worry what they will find in the sentinal node even though it will likely be fine. Chemo did its job and the lump shrunk so things are pointing in the right direction.  

I had another session with doctor hunter this week so it helped to talk about things and he did actually make me feel calmer about everything. He has such a calm demeanor and is a kind person, I can see why he is good at his job!

We had a discussion about how cancer patients are often encouraged to "think positive" by our friends or family, and my therapist said he prefers "think authentically". It's ok to feel all the emotions and get them out. Less baggage that way. He also said there is no scientific link to being positive and beating cancer, and not to feel bad if you have moments or days that you feel overwhelmed or sad. I really like the term think authentically, and I am not really scared of discussing worst case scenarios as I have thought about them all already.  It doesn't mean I don't have hope or the will to fight. It is normal to worry and it helps to talk about my worries with those that are willing to listen.

We also talked about peer support and I said I appreciate the online groups but sometimes they scare me too. Someone in the main group I am in died last week. She was 52 and triple negative and leaves behind two teenage daughters.  As a show of support the group members change their profile picture to roses on the beach.  In my mind, if you want online support for yourself you also have to take the good with the bad. It is not all sunshine and rainbows- it is a cancer support group after all!! - but the support I have received from women that have experienced this before has helped me immensely in many ways.

I talked about how happy I am to be exercising again and that I realized how much I needed it and missed it, as it helps me feel better about myself and is a good stress reliever. I mentioned I will miss it after surgery and he reminded me it won't be forever. But he said that when you lose something important like that in your life it does feel like a loss. Again I felt so validated in how I was feeling.  

I am feeling more ready to go ahead with surgery now, only a few days to go.  Please say a little prayer for me on November 8th!