-greys anatomy
Sunday, 21 January 2018
Decide
We're all going to die. We don't get much say over how or when, but we do get to decide how we're gonna live. So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More Compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide.
Monday, 1 January 2018
Happy holidays and happy new year
What a difference from last Christmas! I am not in treatment and was able to really enjoy the season. Lots of festivities at work and with family. I feel very blessed to be here and able to celebrate.
The first photo is December 24 2016 and December 24 2017. I’ve come a long way baby!
Off to Jamaica to celebrate my 40th birthday :)
Sunday, 19 November 2017
One Year Cancer Free!
This is a belated post, partly because I've been too busy living life!
On November 8th I was officially one year cancer free. One year since my surgery date, where shortly after my pathological complete response from chemo was confirmed.
Hard to believe a year has passed. I am very very grateful to be in a much better place now. I am exercising regularly, working full-time, trying to eat healthy and take care of myself. I still am not at my previous stamina (who knows if I ever will be), and I have some lingering side effects from treatment, mostly the neuropathy from chemo and maybe a touch of chemo brain still. I combat the chemo brain by making lots of notes. This is especially important for coping at work, where there is a lot of different moving parts. My skin is still darker near my neck, where my radiation was really bad/skin was super burnt. My radiation oncologist said that might be with me for life (sigh). I still have a noticeable scar on my breast and under my armpit. I don't really care though - I wear bathing suits where it isn't concealed and I don't care if people notice. It is part of my body and my story. All in all I can't complain. I am here, and I am thriving as much as I can.
I still have fear of recurrence. Actually it has been amplified leading up to this one year milestone. And maybe partly because it is coming up to the anniversary of Carmen's death. 2 years already.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The fear flares up and sometimes it can be consuming. Luckily it does pass and I can focus on other things. It's a blessing and a curse. It's hard to carry that anxiety around with me all the time (even if it isn't always at the forefront). It's also a constant reminder to live life in the present, practice mindfulness, and be happy first and foremost right now.
Only God knows the plans for me, but I am hopeful I will have many more cancer free years to come. I can only pray for that.
In the meantime, I am celebrating. Jeff and I went to Nassau for a week and had an awesome time.
On November 8th I was officially one year cancer free. One year since my surgery date, where shortly after my pathological complete response from chemo was confirmed.
Hard to believe a year has passed. I am very very grateful to be in a much better place now. I am exercising regularly, working full-time, trying to eat healthy and take care of myself. I still am not at my previous stamina (who knows if I ever will be), and I have some lingering side effects from treatment, mostly the neuropathy from chemo and maybe a touch of chemo brain still. I combat the chemo brain by making lots of notes. This is especially important for coping at work, where there is a lot of different moving parts. My skin is still darker near my neck, where my radiation was really bad/skin was super burnt. My radiation oncologist said that might be with me for life (sigh). I still have a noticeable scar on my breast and under my armpit. I don't really care though - I wear bathing suits where it isn't concealed and I don't care if people notice. It is part of my body and my story. All in all I can't complain. I am here, and I am thriving as much as I can.
I still have fear of recurrence. Actually it has been amplified leading up to this one year milestone. And maybe partly because it is coming up to the anniversary of Carmen's death. 2 years already.
Part of me feels like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. The fear flares up and sometimes it can be consuming. Luckily it does pass and I can focus on other things. It's a blessing and a curse. It's hard to carry that anxiety around with me all the time (even if it isn't always at the forefront). It's also a constant reminder to live life in the present, practice mindfulness, and be happy first and foremost right now.
Only God knows the plans for me, but I am hopeful I will have many more cancer free years to come. I can only pray for that.
In the meantime, I am celebrating. Jeff and I went to Nassau for a week and had an awesome time.
Thursday, 26 October 2017
Sunday, 22 October 2017
Living Life Hard
I feel like in the last couple of months I've been "living life hard." Hence why my blogging has slowed down! What I mean by that is I am throwing myself into life again. My new job has been very busy but I absolutely LOVE it. I've been building relationships with my team and management and everyone is just awesome. It is definitely a work hard, play hard mentality which is great with me. I am surrounded by inspiring, smart people who care about their work - and it is contagious.
On the weekends I've been spending time with family and friends, and am just enjoying life and being social again. I went out for a girls night last night and I was thinking of how different things are from last October when I was still recovering from chemo. I had a moment of feeling so, so grateful.
I am seizing every opportunity to have fun.
Along those lines, Jeff and I booked Jamaica for my 40th birthday in January. But it felt a bit far away, and I do feel I need a bit of time off sooner. Since the gradual return and my new job, I haven't taken any time off and I want to make sure I am still taking care of me! So we booked a last minute trip to Nassau for mid November. I can't wait. I've never been to the Bahamas and I am excited to experience something new.
My body is tired. From working hard and living hard. I know I need to schedule more down time. Part of my feels like I still have a ticking clock though - and I just want to fit as much in as I can. I WANT to live hard. I want to grab onto life and enjoy the moments and experiences as much as possible.
Cancer doesn't give you a heads up that it is coming (or coming back). I am reminded often that it can be devastating. Other family and friends get diagnosed and I am reminded. Gord Downie passes away from cancer and I am reminded. I have flashbacks to my experience, or get overwhelmed with fear of recurrence (yes this still happens often!) and I am reminded.
I can't say it enough that the most important lesson from having cancer is to be grateful for each day - and do what you can to make a lot of good days happen! Live a life of contentment. Create those experiences that fill you up, that give you happiness.
On the weekends I've been spending time with family and friends, and am just enjoying life and being social again. I went out for a girls night last night and I was thinking of how different things are from last October when I was still recovering from chemo. I had a moment of feeling so, so grateful.
I am seizing every opportunity to have fun.
Along those lines, Jeff and I booked Jamaica for my 40th birthday in January. But it felt a bit far away, and I do feel I need a bit of time off sooner. Since the gradual return and my new job, I haven't taken any time off and I want to make sure I am still taking care of me! So we booked a last minute trip to Nassau for mid November. I can't wait. I've never been to the Bahamas and I am excited to experience something new.
My body is tired. From working hard and living hard. I know I need to schedule more down time. Part of my feels like I still have a ticking clock though - and I just want to fit as much in as I can. I WANT to live hard. I want to grab onto life and enjoy the moments and experiences as much as possible.
Cancer doesn't give you a heads up that it is coming (or coming back). I am reminded often that it can be devastating. Other family and friends get diagnosed and I am reminded. Gord Downie passes away from cancer and I am reminded. I have flashbacks to my experience, or get overwhelmed with fear of recurrence (yes this still happens often!) and I am reminded.
I can't say it enough that the most important lesson from having cancer is to be grateful for each day - and do what you can to make a lot of good days happen! Live a life of contentment. Create those experiences that fill you up, that give you happiness.
The secret suckiness of life after breast cancer
I can relate to a lot of the points in this article. As I am approaching my one year anniversary of being cancer free, I am so grateful and yet I still have highs and lows. My body isn’t the same it was. My mind isn’t the same it was. My heart isn’t the same it was. In some ways I am a fuller and more loving person with a renewed zest for living....and in some ways I mourn who I was before all this. I am in no way “over” it - still working through it. As I said to a friend last night - I feel like I am still in the process of getting my life back.
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