I had a really good session with Dr. Hunter yesterday. I updated him on the return to work course and the fear of recurrence workshops I did and it led to some good discussion.
For the return to work, I do feel the class is getting me ready to return, I feel it after only 2 sessions. In this past session we talked about different transitions we have done in the past related to work, such as our very first job, moving from private sector to public sector, moving from policy and program work to HR, moving to a manager job, getting a new boss, and of course my other return to work after Angel died. We talked about how we felt and how we coped with transitions, and it made me realize that I have done this before and will do it again.
I think part of the anxiety I have for returning this time is it triggers that time after Angel died. It wasn't great. I was in a bad place obviously, and I was very vulnerable. It is difficult to face colleagues that knew you were pregnant and now you aren't. Or even worse explaining to those that didn't know. Also I was so uninterested in work when I first went back. I do worry it will be the same this time, although as we talked about yesterday, this is a more positive return. Yes I had cancer, but I am returning because I am well again. I think people (especially my staff) will be excited/happy for me, and I do think I will have the support (or at least I hope so!). I am going to do a gradual return as well, which I didn't do last time. I think that will be important. In my return to work class we started to look at a gradual return schedule for 8 weeks, and that is getting me thinking about how it will work for me too. After going through all this with Dr. Hunter I did feel a bit better generally. He did say that likely no one in the return to work class has quite a provocative return to work situation to link back to so in that sense I am unique. But to remember that this is a different return, and a happy return.
We talked about the fear of recurrence workshop too and he took a lot of notes about what I learned! I think he might use some of it going forward. I don't think it is something I will every shake completely but I do feel like I am doing all I can for myself to live in the present and live healthily. He liked the "illusion of certainty" point from the workshop a lot. We talked also about how there isn't a fairness in how many difficult situations people are allocated in life. I think I am doing as well as I can given some of the trauma and challenges I've had in the last 6 years. He said how things are just random, and you can't really know what will impact you. He mentioned how he was reading about Ethiopia, the poorest country in Africa and likely the world, and that their life expectancy is about half ours. If you are randomly born there, you may only live till 40 years old. It's things that like that change your perspective. Really, I have so much in my life, despite the challenges I've faced.
Finally we talked about Carmen again, in relation to the fear of recurrence and randomness discussion. I've been thinking of her a lot this past week. Sometimes I wonder why she died and I get to live. She left behind a daughter, and I feel so torn up about that. Dr. Hunter talked about how I have no control over who gets to live or die. And that I shouldn't feel less worthy to live because I don't have a living child. We talked about cognitive reframing for this so I can stop focusing on it so much. That I could come up with a sentence to get out of the mindset. I was thinking about it last night and I might use something like "I am worthy to survive and be with my loved ones." If I start to dwell on the randomness and unfairness of this particular situation, I can call up that phrase.
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