I think its about time I write about how this all went down last spring. Speaking to Dr. Sarne yesterday brought it all back, and maybe if I tell the story, I can let it go and move forward.
It was early April 2016 when I felt the lump. Being younger, I have dense and somewhat lumpier breasts but this lump was in a spot where I hadn't felt one before. I was overdue for my annual physical by about 6 months (because the old Jen put work ahead of a lot of things!) so I booked it for the third week of April with my family doctor at Appletree. She felt the lump and said it was probably fibroadenoma which is like a benign lump - she thought this because it felt like the tip of my nose. I remember saying to her "so I don't need to worry?" And she said no, but she said she would give me a requisition for an ultrasound. This was the first of many times that medical staff tried to reassure me during the diagnostic stage. I know they probably do that to help patients keep calm but sometimes I wonder if its the best strategy.
I ended up going for an ultrasound across the street from my work, a few days later. At that appointment, the tech showed the images to the radiologist, came back in and told me it looked benign at quick glance, and she wanted me to know "since I know you must be worried." I left that appointment feeling like I dodged a bullet although I knew I needed to have the final results sent to my doctor and get the news from her.
In the meantime, Jeff and I had planned our trip to San Fransisco in early May with his parents so I was busy getting ready for that. While I was there - and this is probably 2+ weeks later by the way - I get a call from some random staff person at Appletree that I need to come in to see my family doctor as soon as possible for my results. I said I was out of town but I could come on the Sunday when I was back. The person said to go to my usual clinic and the doctor (not my family doctor but one covering) would see me.
At this point I am thinking I must have cancer. I remember expressing my fears to Jeff and trying not to freak out. We decided to focus on the rest of the trip and not worry until we knew more.
I hadn't really had other symptoms per say besides the lump, but later Jeff told me that he thought my stamina was a bit lower than usual - he noticed this as we were walking up the crazy hills of San Fran, and he was faster than me! And I am the one that works out 5 days a week.
When I get home I check my records online as I can see the status of my ultrasound test results - I can see when they get to the doctor and when she reviews them. My family doctor took about 2 weeks to even look at the goddamn test results. I am not happy.
I show up at my clinic on the Queensway on Sunday to see this other doctor and am told it is appointments only that day. I leave, feeling pretty pissed off, because I was told on the phone to get in there asap and was turned away.
I decide to try the Appletree clinic on lakeshore that same day, and drive directly there. Dr. Sarne, who I have never met, is there taking walkins.
When I first met him, he said I should really be talking to my family doctor and I explained how she is incredibly difficult to get time with, and even was slow on the review of the results. He told me that the ultrasound wasn't conclusive, that it could be fibroadenoma but there were some "abnormal" cells. A mammogram was being suggested as a next step. I remember crying in his office that day. I was pretty darn scared. But still had no answers. Dr. Sarne offered to see me through with the next steps and I was very thankful.
I did the mammogram later that week. I had to go to a different clinic this time as the one across from my work didn't do mammograms, so I went to a place up by Yorkdale. They did the mammogram, and then did a repeat ultrasound on my breast, and also an ultrasound of my armpit. As they kept doing more and more imaging, I was getting more and more worried and I did cry again at that clinic. The tech tried to console me that this was all just precautionary.
Dr. Sarne got the test results and contacted me that day, to call me back in. I saw him the next day. Jeff came this time. But again it was inconclusive. The clinic was suggesting a biopsy of the lump now. I went back there within a couple days, and they did the biopsy. It was like a big needle that they put into the lump to gather fluid. They took two samples from different parts of it. It hurt a bit and I was bruised afterwards. I had to wait about two weeks to get those results back. I was super busy at work at that time so I did put it out of my mind for the most part. I had brought my director in the loop about what was going on though.
Dr. Sarne called me back in as soon as he got the results of the biopsy. By this time it was June 9th, and I arranged to go in after work that day. I booked the appointment in the online system as I usually do. That night, I had dinner and took mimi out for a walk. When I got back I had 2 missed calls on my phone, from the clinic, saying that it looked like I cancelled the appointment and to please come in as it was urgent. I hadn't cancelled anything so I don't know what happened but when I got those messages I was overcome by fear and my stomach dropped. I told Jeff what happened and that I didn't think it was good news. I was full of fear as we drove together to the clinic that night.
Dr. Sarne got us from the waiting area and instead of going into one of the clinic rooms, he took us to his office in the back. I knew when he asked us to come into is office it was bad news. I can't remember a lot of the conversation but I do remember he said that the biopsy came back as cancer and it was an aggressive type of breast cancer. I was sort of stunned into shock and silence. I couldn't really think or speak. I remember Jeff asking some questions but I think we couldn't really process it in that moment.
We did talk about the referral to an oncologist, and Dr. Sarne said that if I was a member of his family he would send me to Princess Margaret, and I said send me there! Dr. Sarne processed the referral that night for me.
Jeff and I drove home trying to process this. Both of us felt triggered by another traumatic event. It felt very similar to getting the news about Angel. I told him I am sorry for letting him down again. He said that even if he had known everything that would have happened with me/us, he would still have chosen to be with me.
And so began the process of being a cancer patient. Looking back, that was a horrible time for us. I have overcome so much and have had such a successful treatment plan with PMH/Mount Sinai. I am forever grateful to all the people in my medical team, including Dr. Sarne.
Oh, and I have changed family doctors now. Despite being thankful for Dr. Sarne in this particular situation, I am done with Appletree. I don't want to get lost in the shuffle any longer, and I met with a doctor at Etobicoke Medical that I like. She is in her early 40s I think, and I explained how I am changing because of the lack of timely response from my family doctor at Appletree, so I think she understands given my situation that I have high expectations on patient care and response!
From finding the lump, to the confirmation of cancer, it was about 2 months. Luckily once it was determined as cancer, things move very very quickly. My first chemo was June 23rd! And now, 8 months later, I am done all treatment. Cancer is slayed!!
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