If I am being authentic....

I'd love to write an inspirational post but I feel I need to vent a bit. 


Going through chemotherapy is so much more than the physical aspect of the harshest of harsh drugs being pumped through your system every two weeks.  There is the physical fall out of that - and with cycle three I had to dig deeper than ever to manage physically, with the added stress and discomfort of the picc line, and my body just being cumulatively weaker.  But the mental/emotional component also beats you down.  I am finally feeling more like myself this cycle, but it is a head game to get yourself back to a place of determination let me tell you!  The side effects of the AC combo are multiple, and I've written about some, like the fatigue and nausea.  I've noticed other changes as time goes by with treatment, like feeling bloated, feeling hot/hot flashes, even with a bald head, having trouble sleeping, chemo brain/foggy brain, and at times a faster heartbeat, especially if I try to do things that exert myself in this hot weather (which I am doing less and less of).    I had no idea what chemo was really like until I walked through it myself.  My cousin Carmen did this for years - and I can officially say she is my hero, and hopefully one of my guardian angels that is sending me the strength to keep going.


Given the physical setbacks, I feel like a lot of my life is on hold right now.  With the picc line I have even more restriction in terms of what exercises I can do, and what I can lift, how I sleep.  Part of the mental struggle is not being able to do what I want when I want to do it!  That means day to day stuff and big stuff, like life events.    It is so darn hot out that I can't even walk Mimi some days.  I need Jeff's help to carry grocery bags.  I had good intentions of doing yoga or pilates and that is out with the picc - walking is my only option.   In addition to the day to day stuff, I just feel like summer is passing me by this year.    I am looking ahead to October when chemo is done, but sometimes it feels pretty far away. And I don't want to just wish the summer away.


This weekend one of my best friends is coming to visit, so that will be a good thing for me! Will be nice to connect, watch some bad tv together, chat.  A nice break from thinking about chemo!  Jeff told me to enjoy my down time as much as possible, and to not think or focus on cancer.  Sometimes it is hard to shift that mindset.  This post may seem a bit whiny but this is my authentic feelings about this annoying situation right now.  I always believe it is worth being authentic, to get the feelings out and then move on.


I can't wait to be done with the evil AC as it is called in some breast cancer circles, next week.  I get an extra week off at the cottage, and I am hoping for peaceful and relaxing time there, where I can regroup and get ready for the 2nd half of my chemo.


Ok, rant over.  I want to close this post with something positive.  I heard the most beautiful song that made me feel so emotional and wanted to share the lyrics here.  At the end of the day, despite this current struggle, I still remain hopeful and grateful for everything life brings me.


A Life That's Good

Sittin' here tonight,
By the fire light,
It reminds me I already have more than I should.

I don't need fame, no one to know my name,
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray, I have a life that's good.

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
And a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
And a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.

Sometimes I'm hard on me,
When dreams don't come easy,
I wanna look back and say,
I did all that I could,

Yeah at the end of the day, Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
And a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
And a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good