The will to live

I wrote a post on my other blog some time ago about regaining my will to live after Angel died.  After she died there were times when I didn't care much what happened to me. It took a lot in internal healing and years really to get to the place where I wanted to live for me again.

When I got my diagnosis, one of my guttural reactions was that this is just a cruel joke. Here I am in a good place again, feeling grateful and happy in living my life for me. I don't need another lesson about how precious life is.

That was the anger I felt in the first few days.  And it's funny because some of my closest friends have articulated the same disbelief and anger for the situation I am in.

But what can I do? These are the latest cards I have been dealt so I need to adapt and I need to find a way to channel the anger for the better. Maybe that is channeled into exercise and moving my body, during treatments, when I am able to. Maybe it is channeled into a deep resilience I will need with each chemo treatment, to fight off fatigue and nausea. Maybe I turn the anger on its head and focus on hope. Challenge my head space to focus on my present, and be hopeful for how I can conquer this latest challenge. 

I will be digging deeper than I ever have, to fight for myself.  Right now it is a bit like being on the side of a mountain and I've taken my first few steps. I know eventually I will get to the other side but exactly how and what terrain I will encounter is unknown. But I have a faith that I can get there.