Hope

I’m attending a writing class through wellspring - it’s called writing your way to inner peace.

It’s focused on poems and last time we were given this prompt to use to write one:  “I know that hope is”

Here’s what I wrote

I know that hope is my friend and ally

When I darkness or despair of life’s challenges I seek it out

It is always there behind the shadows

It just needs to be summoned.

And it comes to me like the sun as it rises in the morning

Beckoning me to come out of the dark

And believe in the future

Where there is life there is hope

Where there is love and gratitude there is hope

Pick it up and hold it like a stone in your palm

And carry it with you always

_____

I really enjoy this writing class and hearing everyone’s poems. we had a lot of similar themes and it helps to feel bonded and less alone.

One woman had a line that hit me - about holding on to hope with clenched fists! Yeah baby!!

Radiation #1

It feels familiar. I’ve been here before.

30 sessions in 2017 on the right side of my body. I was so happy to rip the green card up by the end.

Did I feel a bit nauseous being handed the green card again? Yes I sure did.

Here we go left side. This time…

The curiosity is gone. I know what to expect. Maybe that makes it harder?

The positive thing to note is this is the last leg of this marathon.This is my insurance policy.

I know I can do it. I will go on. 💪🏻🙏🏻

Sentinel node biopsy results!

 I waited til after the christmas holidays and my birthday to check the pathology online.  on Jan 6th, I woke up and pulled it up on my phone to see - all lymph nodes negative baby!!!!

I saw my surgical oncologist today who confirmed this news :)

I am soooo relieved and happy!

I was holding so much tension in my body for the past few weeks - I didn't even realize it.

Jeff looked at me after I saw the results and said - you look different - relieved :)

They took 6 lymph nodes which seems like alot! my surgeon said, they have to remove anything that gets the blue dye. He was a bit frustrated he had to take so many too.  He hugged me when we told me the news. 

even though I saw the report, I had to hear it from him.

feeling extremely grateful right now and the end is getting so close.

radiation will start this month. I see my radiation oncologist Friday to get that going.

for now - super super happy!

Sentinel node biopsy

On December 16th I had surgery - a sentinel node biopsy. The pathology from this will determine my radiation plan.

I am crossing everything that it comes back clear!

I should find out in early January.

Chemo complete!!

On November 21, I had my final chemo treatment!

I am so relieved this portion of treatment is over. 

I am also in awe of myself and proud. I wasn’t sure I could get through another intense round of chemo and I did it!

Chemo healed me. I am grateful 💜

83 percent done chemo!

 I had chemo 5 of 6 last thursday and I'm 83% done -- one more to go and finish line is in sight.

I can't wait!!

I did ask Dr. Watson to lower the taxol dose a bit for this round as my neuropathy is quite bad. i'm using compression socks and gloves to try to help with it.

I asked about risk of lowering the does (it was only 10%) - he said it would not impact overall treatment and also said some people choose to stop this chemo regime early - eg: after 4 doses instead of 6 - so I am doing very well for continuing and finishing.

November 21 is my last one!!!!!

The love hate of chemo- it’s saving my life

When I found out I had to do chemo again - I was pretty devastated. It is such a tough journey for so many reasons. You feel so tired and unwell, you lose your hair (even with a cold cap it thins) and you don’t feel like yourself. The meds make you bloated and swollen. Your immune system is garbage and it limits your social life. These are just a few things that chemo does.

When I found out - I wrote a list of everything I fucking hate about fucking chemo! And I burnt it.

It did feel good to get that all out.

Shortly after I made a list of why I am grateful for chemo and cancer treatment. And that’s what I’d rather share here.

I am grateful for chemo that will heal my body and rid it from cancer now and in the future 

I am grateful my cancer was caught early

I am grateful for more time, I’m not done yet!!

I am grateful for a pic line that saves my veins

I am grateful for an excellent medical team 

I am grateful for microblading and cold caps 

I am grateful for anti nausea drugs 

I am grateful treatment is temporary and won’t be forever

I am grateful for my circle of support

I am grateful for being who I am now - strong, resilient and focused on me!

I am grateful I can ask for what I need this time

I am grateful that chemo is saving my life!!