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2nd annual mammogram and living cancer free

my 2nd annual mammogram this May came back clear and I am very relieved and happy. it's always a stressful time. I was able to find out the news through the online medical app, before I even saw Dr. Easson so that was good - I hate the waiting part!!  When I saw her, she said "keep up the good work" and sent me on my way.

Fast forward to now - I had lunch with my breast cancer friends that I met at Wellspring this past weekend.  One of our friend's Tammy may be facing a stage 4 diagnosis.  She is also triple negative like me and we went through treatment at the same time.  She was having issues with her lungs and got checked, and they can tell there is a cancer nodule there.  She is getting a biopsy to see if it is a new primary (which would be best case) or her original breast cancer metastasized.   I'm so upset and scared for her.  This is of course our worst nightmare.  She was so excited to hit 2 years and we were excited for each other - as with triple negative that is the timeframe of most likely recurrence.  I'm just devastated for her. 

And trying to process my own feelings.  It's very close to home and it makes me have anxiety about my own situation.  it's funny, but as time passes you sort of start to think you are off the hook and you couldn't possibly have to go through cancer again.  Something like this just reminds me we are always vulnerable.  New treatments are being found each day for cancer, so this is encouraging. However I think the survival after a stage 4 triple negative diagnosis isn't that great - maybe a year.  

I wonder what I'd want to do for that year if it was me. I'd want to maintain quality of life and do things I love as much as possible.  it makes me think even now - with no recurrence looming - how am I living my best life? how can I make this next 12 months amazing and memorable - regardless if I live another 40 years or one year.  Lots to think about and consider.  

I know right now, I am sending Tammy positive vibes her way. 

A chat with a fellow survivor

I learnt a few weeks ago that a woman I used to work with at the Financial Services Commission of Ontario (Emilie) was also diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer about a year or so after I was.  She's also BRAC positive and has only recently come back to work, after having treatment for breast cancer and also preventative surgery for ovarian cancer.  We met for coffee this past week and I keep thinking about our conversation for many reasons.

First off - I know stress can be a killer and I wonder if the stress of HR at FSCO was detrimental to both of us in igniting cancer cells to grow. It seems like quite the coincidence to me! that was probably the most toxic place I've ever worked and I can't help but think there is a correlation.  In her words - "fucking FSCO!" lol

She reminds me of myself in this cancer journey - but of myself at the return to work stage.  She's all into her own healing, understandably so.  She has prioritized her health over everything.  It made me reflect that I may have let go of some things I should still be doing for myself, as part of ongoing self-care, healing and prevention of recurrence.  Truth be told, I'm fully engrained back into normal life at this point, 20 months back to work, and I don't think about cancer 24/7.  Which is probably a good thing? But I should remember and place emphasis on self-care and also taking care of myself.  It made me question whether I am doing enough to remain healthy. Not a bad reminder to get I suppose.

It's funny because throughout our conversation we talked about a lot of difficult experiences and painful moments. The one time I broke down and teared up is when she asked me about how my family reacted to me going through cancer. I clearly have some left over trauma from how my cancer affected everyone else and the guilt I associate with that. The last thing I want to do is hurt people or stress others out with my stuff - but in the case of the cancer experience this was totally out of my control. I doubt people showed me what they were really feeling - they wouldn't dump into the circle like that. But I can imagine how difficult it was for those close to me and I still hurt thinking about it.

At my semi annual checkup with the radiation oncologist in the Fall, she did say I've past the first 2 years and this is the most likely time for recurrence for my type of breast cancer. I am holding on to this news pretty tightly.  and I am going to keep doing what I am doing - trying to eat healthy and mostly plant based, consistent exercise, not drinking too much (I've switched to red wine for the most part if I drink), taking vitamins and supplements (I've started tumeric recently too).  In some ways, I feel like I can "stay the course" and hopefully things will continue to be fine.  I'm still reaching for that 5 years clear, as that is when they consider me "cured" -- hard to believe that is real but it's my next goal at least :)

One of the things I talked about with Emilie was these breast cancer retreats that are available in Canada and the US - definitely something I may consider in the future. to be around women that understand and that all want to continue to heal sounds very supportive and something I would pursue.  She said there's even on in Hawaii!

I often think about how I spend my time and if I want to make any changes. One example is my career. I've started putting myself out there for a promotional role, for more accountability and complexity.  We'll see if it materializes.  Some days I also think of leaving my current employer and trying something totally different too.  I've created some of my own rules and restrictions in my head about my work - partly because I value the pension and benefits and I want to protect myself with these. However the truth is we only live once, and who knows if I will even see retirement. I certainly hope so and plan to reach it however I need to check myself and make sure what I do at work continues to provide me with as much satisfaction as possible, since I do spend so much time there. 

Coming out of the hibernation of winter, it is a good time to reset priorities too, and make sure the balance is right between work, and home life, family/friends time and self-care time.  I need to be nurturing the other positive things and relationships in my life, just as much as I nurture my career.

I think the connection with Emilie was meant to happen for me right now, as just another good reminder of what I've been through, and where I want to go. 

Two years post chemo!

On Saturday I was officially two years post chemo. Here is how much my hair has grown since last year at this time.

:)

Two years later I still feel the effects of the treatment in some ways. I don’t think I will ever get my full stamina back that I had before. I get more tired than I used to. I still have neuropathy. All in all though I can’t complain. I am alive and thriving in my life. I look back and can’t believe all I went through! 

2018 mammogram all clear!

This post is way late but I found out in early June that my recent mammogram was all clear! Very relieved and happy to pass this annual milestone. It is anxiety ridden leading up to it and I am so glad I can breathe again for awhile.

Just home from an amazing trip to Europe where I celebrated :)

Good article about survivorship

https://www.ihadcancer.com/h3-blog/09-21-2017/theres-so-much-more-to-surviving-cancer-than-the-physical-damage

One Year post treatment

On January 26th it was one year from my last radiation treatment.  I remember that day well!  I remember the relief of walking out of that hospital, and how broken I was physically and emotionally.  My skin was burnt to a crisp and I was beyond done.

I'm in a much better place these days. I have my life back.  I have taken charge of my career again. I am enjoying the freedom of being "normal" and doing what I want to do - travelling, enjoying time with friends and family,  pushing myself physically in my exercising, and feeling generally well.

Of course life after cancer isn't a straight line!  Last thursday I found out I have shingles.  Apparently this is more common for people who have gone through cancer treatment, due to the compromised immune system.  So today I am not quite myself. I feel tired and nauseous and have some pain. It reminds me of being in treatment to a certain degree and the frustration with not being well enough to do what I want when I want.  But it is shingles -- not cancer.  I hope to feel better later this week, and on the weekend we are doing a belated family birthday celebration with Jeff's parents, for myself and my sister in law, another January baby.  I hope I am in good shape by then!

I am not taking healthy days for granted anymore.  If anything, this is my lesson from being diagnosed with cancer.  I think what I struggle with is not pushing myself too hard, or trying to do too much.  I want to live life hard and it has caught up with me.  I spent the last week acting for my director, and it was a doozy.   I think my body was worn out from the long hours and stress, and it is telling me so.  Just a reminder to not overdo it - I need to be more careful going forward, as my health is #1!!