A chat with a fellow survivor

I learnt a few weeks ago that a woman I used to work with at the Financial Services Commission of Ontario (Emilie) was also diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer about a year or so after I was.  She's also BRAC positive and has only recently come back to work, after having treatment for breast cancer and also preventative surgery for ovarian cancer.  We met for coffee this past week and I keep thinking about our conversation for many reasons.

First off - I know stress can be a killer and I wonder if the stress of HR at FSCO was detrimental to both of us in igniting cancer cells to grow. It seems like quite the coincidence to me! that was probably the most toxic place I've ever worked and I can't help but think there is a correlation.  In her words - "fucking FSCO!" lol

She reminds me of myself in this cancer journey - but of myself at the return to work stage.  She's all into her own healing, understandably so.  She has prioritized her health over everything.  It made me reflect that I may have let go of some things I should still be doing for myself, as part of ongoing self-care, healing and prevention of recurrence.  Truth be told, I'm fully engrained back into normal life at this point, 20 months back to work, and I don't think about cancer 24/7.  Which is probably a good thing? But I should remember and place emphasis on self-care and also taking care of myself.  It made me question whether I am doing enough to remain healthy. Not a bad reminder to get I suppose.

It's funny because throughout our conversation we talked about a lot of difficult experiences and painful moments. The one time I broke down and teared up is when she asked me about how my family reacted to me going through cancer. I clearly have some left over trauma from how my cancer affected everyone else and the guilt I associate with that. The last thing I want to do is hurt people or stress others out with my stuff - but in the case of the cancer experience this was totally out of my control. I doubt people showed me what they were really feeling - they wouldn't dump into the circle like that. But I can imagine how difficult it was for those close to me and I still hurt thinking about it.

At my semi annual checkup with the radiation oncologist in the Fall, she did say I've past the first 2 years and this is the most likely time for recurrence for my type of breast cancer. I am holding on to this news pretty tightly.  and I am going to keep doing what I am doing - trying to eat healthy and mostly plant based, consistent exercise, not drinking too much (I've switched to red wine for the most part if I drink), taking vitamins and supplements (I've started tumeric recently too).  In some ways, I feel like I can "stay the course" and hopefully things will continue to be fine.  I'm still reaching for that 5 years clear, as that is when they consider me "cured" -- hard to believe that is real but it's my next goal at least :)

One of the things I talked about with Emilie was these breast cancer retreats that are available in Canada and the US - definitely something I may consider in the future. to be around women that understand and that all want to continue to heal sounds very supportive and something I would pursue.  She said there's even on in Hawaii!

I often think about how I spend my time and if I want to make any changes. One example is my career. I've started putting myself out there for a promotional role, for more accountability and complexity.  We'll see if it materializes.  Some days I also think of leaving my current employer and trying something totally different too.  I've created some of my own rules and restrictions in my head about my work - partly because I value the pension and benefits and I want to protect myself with these. However the truth is we only live once, and who knows if I will even see retirement. I certainly hope so and plan to reach it however I need to check myself and make sure what I do at work continues to provide me with as much satisfaction as possible, since I do spend so much time there. 

Coming out of the hibernation of winter, it is a good time to reset priorities too, and make sure the balance is right between work, and home life, family/friends time and self-care time.  I need to be nurturing the other positive things and relationships in my life, just as much as I nurture my career.

I think the connection with Emilie was meant to happen for me right now, as just another good reminder of what I've been through, and where I want to go.