Be the heroine

Picc line all good

So I had my weekly picc line cleaning today at the clinic nearby and I was nervous! I just hoped it was all good - I am paranoid about infection. The nurse cleaned me all up, flushed the line and put a new dressing on. She said everything looks good so I am happy! She also did a much more comfortable wrap on my arm (the previous dressing tape was pulling my skin and I couldn't get my arm straight).  Hopefully this will help with mobility and sleeping :)

If I am being authentic....

I'd love to write an inspirational post but I feel I need to vent a bit. 


Going through chemotherapy is so much more than the physical aspect of the harshest of harsh drugs being pumped through your system every two weeks.  There is the physical fall out of that - and with cycle three I had to dig deeper than ever to manage physically, with the added stress and discomfort of the picc line, and my body just being cumulatively weaker.  But the mental/emotional component also beats you down.  I am finally feeling more like myself this cycle, but it is a head game to get yourself back to a place of determination let me tell you!  The side effects of the AC combo are multiple, and I've written about some, like the fatigue and nausea.  I've noticed other changes as time goes by with treatment, like feeling bloated, feeling hot/hot flashes, even with a bald head, having trouble sleeping, chemo brain/foggy brain, and at times a faster heartbeat, especially if I try to do things that exert myself in this hot weather (which I am doing less and less of).    I had no idea what chemo was really like until I walked through it myself.  My cousin Carmen did this for years - and I can officially say she is my hero, and hopefully one of my guardian angels that is sending me the strength to keep going.


Given the physical setbacks, I feel like a lot of my life is on hold right now.  With the picc line I have even more restriction in terms of what exercises I can do, and what I can lift, how I sleep.  Part of the mental struggle is not being able to do what I want when I want to do it!  That means day to day stuff and big stuff, like life events.    It is so darn hot out that I can't even walk Mimi some days.  I need Jeff's help to carry grocery bags.  I had good intentions of doing yoga or pilates and that is out with the picc - walking is my only option.   In addition to the day to day stuff, I just feel like summer is passing me by this year.    I am looking ahead to October when chemo is done, but sometimes it feels pretty far away. And I don't want to just wish the summer away.


This weekend one of my best friends is coming to visit, so that will be a good thing for me! Will be nice to connect, watch some bad tv together, chat.  A nice break from thinking about chemo!  Jeff told me to enjoy my down time as much as possible, and to not think or focus on cancer.  Sometimes it is hard to shift that mindset.  This post may seem a bit whiny but this is my authentic feelings about this annoying situation right now.  I always believe it is worth being authentic, to get the feelings out and then move on.


I can't wait to be done with the evil AC as it is called in some breast cancer circles, next week.  I get an extra week off at the cottage, and I am hoping for peaceful and relaxing time there, where I can regroup and get ready for the 2nd half of my chemo.


Ok, rant over.  I want to close this post with something positive.  I heard the most beautiful song that made me feel so emotional and wanted to share the lyrics here.  At the end of the day, despite this current struggle, I still remain hopeful and grateful for everything life brings me.


A Life That's Good

Sittin' here tonight,
By the fire light,
It reminds me I already have more than I should.

I don't need fame, no one to know my name,
At the end of the day,
Lord I pray, I have a life that's good.

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
And a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
And a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,
Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.

Sometimes I'm hard on me,
When dreams don't come easy,
I wanna look back and say,
I did all that I could,

Yeah at the end of the day, Lord I pray,
I have a life that's good.

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
And a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
And a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

At the end of the day, Lord I pray
I have a life that's good

Just what I needed

One of my staff has sent me a few cards,

Probably one a week or so with inspirational messages. Today, I received this one - just what I needed. 

It's been a harder turnaround from chemo #3 and the picc line has made sleep difficult. Digging deep to keep the spirits up, and this definitely touched me today. 

Chemo #3 complete

Well Chemo #3 is complete but wasn't as smooth as I would have liked.    I told the nurse about the soreness in my left arm, after having chemo 1 and 2 with the veins.  So they tried to find a vein on my right arm - and that DID NOT go well.  4 pricks later, by 3 different nurses, and it was time to give up.  They were able to get me in for a PICC line (although it was a 2 hour wait and delayed chemo til the afternoon).  Long day at the hospital! We arrive at 8am and didn't go home til 3:15pm.


I was nervous to get the PICC line - it is in my arm and they basically insert a tube through my vein to my chest, and they can use it to take blood and give chemo.  even as I type it, it sounds gross to me!
It is weird to have something in my body.  I am getting use to it.  Chemo did go much smoother though.  and it will save my arms from vein pain.  The nurse who did it was so great, she kept me distracted with funny stories from her home town.  She also told me her friend had breast cancer and did it through IV/veins and she still had arm pain months later.  So I am trying to focus on the benefits as much as I can.  the sad news is I can't swim while I have it in, so no swimming at the cottage this year.  I guess I can dangle my feet in the water.  To shower I have to wrap it with cling wrap.   I also have to get the dressing changed once a week (and had to have it changed yesterday, one day after going in).  So yesterday a nurse came to my home to do this, which was great because I was just too tired to go out.  Next Friday I can go to a clinic nearby for the dressing change.  The other downside to the PICC line is I feel it makes me look sick! I have a bandage on it and I have covered it with an arm band, but still, just another reminder that I have cancer!


The whole experience has give me a lot of fatigue, so I haven't been doing much the last couple of days, just trying to recuperate.


I am hoping the rest of the chemo sessions go smoothly.  I am 37.5% done!  one more to go before the cottage break. Then I will switch to Taxol in late August.


Here is a photo of my with my PICC line and also a photo of my beaten up right arm!

My new hobby

I've always heard it is a fun one and can reduce stress/be meditative. I am doing adult colouring! It is very relaxing and fun to do and I think I will be spending a lot of time doing it during treatment :) 

Side effects and off week - Chemo #2

Side effects have been similar to round 1, fatigue and nausea for first 4-5 days, and a bit of tingling in my feet here and there. I lost all my hair this round, including the shaved hairs! I still have my eyebrows and eyelashes for now, I hope by some miracle I can keep them, because I feel like losing those makes you look sick.  And believe it or not I don't feel sick! I feel the effects from chemo but I feel like my body is temporarily on hiatus or something. I know the person that used to workout 5-6 days a week (doing Jillian Michaels no less) is still in there!


this week I did feel well enough to weed the garden and I also have done pilates once.  the pilates was hard!  the chemo drugs are making me into a weakling, but I have faith it is a temporary deal. I have also been walking Mimi which I think is great exercise for where I am at physically at the moment.


One other side effect I have this time is a sore arm and IV spot from chemo.. I think it may be because they used the same arm for both rounds - I hope they can use my right arm for round 3.  I don't have very noticeable veins, that is part of the problem. The sore arm is more annoying than anything.


If my off weeks continue to be like this I am lucky.  Funny to use the work lucky for a cancer patient but that is how I feel.  I think as part of my emotional and mental coping it helps to remember what I am grateful for.  It is not all bad news and feeling lousy.


I am grateful for the days I have a bit more energy and no nausea.  I am grateful that I can still do some moderate exercise.  I am grateful for positive messages, vibes and prayers from family and friends. I am grateful for Jeff being here for me and for him shaving his head all the way down this week!  I am grateful for puppy love.