It’s a marathon!

I’ve had a few people acknowledge that they didn’t realize how long treatment takes and they are surprised at how long even chemo goes on for.

It’s not something I forgot that’s for sure. I know this part would be tedious, tenuous and drawn out. It’s a hard place to sit in sometimes.

This is where the patience really comes into play. as well as the emotional and mental resilience in addition to trying to survive the physical blows of chemo.

To some extend life is on hold and that part is certainly frustrating.

I have fomo for some things for sure.

But I also want to be careful in my activities as it can wear me out, or I can be more susceptible to illness which I really don’t want. As much as I hate chemo, I want to keep this train going and not derail the schedule. 

So the priority remains trying to stay as healthy as I can and rebound safely and well after each session.

Fingers crossed for 4 more successful rounds.

33 percent done chemo

I had my second chemo on August 29th - 33 percent done!

Side effects were very similar to round one but I am going to flag some concerns because I feel the peripheral neuropathy quite a bit in my feet still. If they are willing to lower the dose I may ask.

The Lapelga white blood cell shot also still sucked. I may see about changing to Neulasta which I had in 2016. 

My hair is really shedding quite a bit :( 

It’s hard to watch but I want to stick this cold cap process out as at the very least my follicles are being protected for faster regrowth after this is over.

Hats are my friend right now.

I’ve been getting some hot flashes this round too so I guess I’m in chemo induced menopause - fun fun!

For this second round I used an electric blanket that Marie and Erin got me and it made a huge difference!!

So cozy. 

On Sept 19 I will do chemo 3. 

Chemo #1

I had my first chemo on August 8. It was a long day! I had to get my pic line placed which took awhile and I’m also doing cold calling before during and after the infusions so it adds time to the day. Next time should be better and faster I hope!

Jeff was with me the whole time :)

the side effects of this protocol - carboplatin and paclitaxol - were a lot of fatigue, nausea and GI issue, dry mouth. I also had some insomnia from the steroids and leg pain from the white blood cell shot. It was not the most fun week or so.

I’m doing ok in the off weeks although still have some bouts of tiredness. I have been able to do some light workouts though so I am happy about that! I’m doing light weights and yoga and walking the dogs. It does a lot for my mental health to be able to move despite the pic line and side effects.

It’s breast cancer

Well, as much as I’d hoped that surgery could be enough - the pathology from surgery showed a new breast cancer.

Dr Gladdy gave me the news - the good thing is surgery was successful with clean margins, and the cancer is out!!! But she had arranged for Dr. Watson to see me immediately after - he will be my medical oncologist this time.  I will be moving ahead with chemo in August. 

I liked Dr. Watson right away and I know he wants to help me. He called this another “bump in the road” and that he wants to get me through this and have it be in my rear view mirror again as soon as possible. I like that attitude! 

There is a new protocol option available now that I plan to try and I also have the option to try a cold cap. Which means I may keep some hair or at the very least it will protect my follicles for faster regrowth and less thinning.

It’s good and bad that I’ve done chemo before. In a sense I feel more prepared. I got my eyebrows microbladed so at the very least I don’t need to draw those one which is a big deal. I also know how tough it was. Not just the side effects. Which at times were really tough. it’s the isolation and loneliness that comes with having cancer. 

I know it’s 4 months of a hard road. I will pull up my big girl pants and get through.

I feel a lot of love and support which is overwhelming and I am so grateful for it.

I am grateful also for a strong medical team that has my back and will do what they can for me. I know I’m in the best place for the best care. 

Surgery complete and processing it all

On Friday June 21st, I had surgery at mount sinai to remove the tumor in my left breast.

Based on the initial biospy, the tumor was NOT triple negative breast cancer - they believe it is a type of sarcoma.  So I was referred to Dr. Gladdy who specializes in this rare type of cancer, and she was my surgeon last week.  Another excellent doctor at Mount Sinai - I'm so thankful for their fast and considerate care of me.

Now we wait for the pathology to confirm the type of cancer and any further treatment needed.  If it is the sarcoma they believe - I may not need chemo or radiation.  And if she got clean margins, no more surgery either. this would be the best case scenario and the one I am praying for!

It's been a whirlwind this whole situation.  I am now trying to process everything and deal with the mental and emotional journey, as well as rest and recuperate from surgery.

I'm grateful for so much - for my mammogram being expedited, for seeing the doctors so quickly, for a fast MRI and ct scan, and for a very quick surgery taking place.  This shit is out of me and that's a huge mental load off me!

However I am processing how and why this came to be and all kinds of feelings are here to be addressed.  Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, frustration.    Cancer made me crash into the wall once again, and life was halted to deal with it.

I'm frustrated because I was in a great groove, in a new role at work and gearing up for summer.  

you make plans and god laughs!!

My head went to the darkest places too - thinking the same cancer was back and all over my body and literally time was going to be up.  until I was told otherwise - and of course I am so thankful and relieved for this.

I'm still a bit pissed off though.  there's always the why me in there.  what's the lesson this time?  I already have faced these lessons before.

what is out of balance that i need to address?

On the positive side, i very much feel the love from friends, family, colleagues, my boss.  I know I am loved and I am so supported this time.  It's overwhelming at times, how much love I do feel.

And I think for me - that's what I need to focus on and hold on to.  

Even if it had limited time left - heck any of us might - how would I want to live? what are my values?

I want to have joy and be content in life.

I want to be around people and things that bring me peace.

I want to continue to have special experiences and make the most out of this life.

I want to share love and share kindness and share hope with people.

I want to live with courage and resilience and optimism.

I want to leave a legacy that reflects these values. :)

Life interrupted

In an update that I never hoped to share - 8 years after my first diagnosis I am dealing with a new health issue, a lump in my left/opposite breast.

It’s been a tense month or so as I advocated to get my mammogram moved up and I awaited the biopsy and then the results of the mri and ct scan.

To say I was scared is an understatement.

now that I know it’s localized and treatable, I am fully digesting this turn of events.

Very grateful for how quickly things are moving and that it’s a good scenario. I have surgery this Friday and will then know what other treatment I need.

🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Mammogram results and Covid thoughts

I had my annual mammogram on May 27 and recently (last sunday) found out the scan was clear!!! I've very relieved.

I think covid was messing with my head and for a couple months leading up to the appointment I had convinced myself the cancer was back.  As illogical as that is, I think the threat of sickness/death with covid triggered a lot of previous trauma in me.  I am glad to have passed this milestone for the year and hope to move forward with a more positive mindset.

As an hr practitioner I often have to coach or support my clients or employees on dealing with these types of things and addressing anxiety.  I want to try to think about what I'd say to someone in my workplace that was dealing with similar feelings that I have been struggling with.

1) I think I would say first of all for them to try to take a moment to breath.  Breath in and breath out, and focus on the current moment.  If you are able to, perhaps take 5-10 minutes and do a guided meditation.  maybe build this into your daily routine, and try to calm your nervous system.

2) another great strategy for releasing emotions is to talk to a friend or even a therapist about what you are feeling. get those feelings out, with someone that will listen with compassion.  for covid, in particular, we are all going through this together and we are feeling a lot of the same feelings right now. you won't be shunned for your feelings. you will probably get a lot of nodding heads.

3) journal your thoughts and feelings out too - if you'd rather not talk to someone, writing everything out and getting rid of it helps! it gets it out of your head.  even consider burning the paper after and releasing all the negative stuff by lighting it on fire!

4) for me, anxiety is often worrying about the future.  in covid, we don't know when this will really end.  so take control of what you can.  create a stable routine every day, that will help with maintaining some normalcy and balance for you.  focus on each day as it comes and don't think too far into the future if you can.  stay present. 

5) exercise!  if you like to workout like me I know that really helps me with anxiety and stress. find some kind of exercise that feels good to you and do it.  

Personally, I think I need to focus on levelling out my stress and nervous system. I probably need to do some more relaxing movements and activities to balance out work stress and high intensity workouts. I am trying to work yoga and mediation into my life, and get back to journalling more as well.

all of the above is great advice I would give someone else, and I need to give it to myself!