Surgery complete and processing it all

On Friday June 21st, I had surgery at mount sinai to remove the tumor in my left breast.

Based on the initial biospy, the tumor was NOT triple negative breast cancer - they believe it is a type of sarcoma.  So I was referred to Dr. Gladdy who specializes in this rare type of cancer, and she was my surgeon last week.  Another excellent doctor at Mount Sinai - I'm so thankful for their fast and considerate care of me.

Now we wait for the pathology to confirm the type of cancer and any further treatment needed.  If it is the sarcoma they believe - I may not need chemo or radiation.  And if she got clean margins, no more surgery either. this would be the best case scenario and the one I am praying for!

It's been a whirlwind this whole situation.  I am now trying to process everything and deal with the mental and emotional journey, as well as rest and recuperate from surgery.

I'm grateful for so much - for my mammogram being expedited, for seeing the doctors so quickly, for a fast MRI and ct scan, and for a very quick surgery taking place.  This shit is out of me and that's a huge mental load off me!

However I am processing how and why this came to be and all kinds of feelings are here to be addressed.  Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, frustration.    Cancer made me crash into the wall once again, and life was halted to deal with it.

I'm frustrated because I was in a great groove, in a new role at work and gearing up for summer.  

you make plans and god laughs!!

My head went to the darkest places too - thinking the same cancer was back and all over my body and literally time was going to be up.  until I was told otherwise - and of course I am so thankful and relieved for this.

I'm still a bit pissed off though.  there's always the why me in there.  what's the lesson this time?  I already have faced these lessons before.

what is out of balance that i need to address?

On the positive side, i very much feel the love from friends, family, colleagues, my boss.  I know I am loved and I am so supported this time.  It's overwhelming at times, how much love I do feel.

And I think for me - that's what I need to focus on and hold on to.  

Even if it had limited time left - heck any of us might - how would I want to live? what are my values?

I want to have joy and be content in life.

I want to be around people and things that bring me peace.

I want to continue to have special experiences and make the most out of this life.

I want to share love and share kindness and share hope with people.

I want to live with courage and resilience and optimism.

I want to leave a legacy that reflects these values. :)