Surgery complete and processing it all

On Friday June 21st, I had surgery at mount sinai to remove the tumor in my left breast.

Based on the initial biospy, the tumor was NOT triple negative breast cancer - they believe it is a type of sarcoma.  So I was referred to Dr. Gladdy who specializes in this rare type of cancer, and she was my surgeon last week.  Another excellent doctor at Mount Sinai - I'm so thankful for their fast and considerate care of me.

Now we wait for the pathology to confirm the type of cancer and any further treatment needed.  If it is the sarcoma they believe - I may not need chemo or radiation.  And if she got clean margins, no more surgery either. this would be the best case scenario and the one I am praying for!

It's been a whirlwind this whole situation.  I am now trying to process everything and deal with the mental and emotional journey, as well as rest and recuperate from surgery.

I'm grateful for so much - for my mammogram being expedited, for seeing the doctors so quickly, for a fast MRI and ct scan, and for a very quick surgery taking place.  This shit is out of me and that's a huge mental load off me!

However I am processing how and why this came to be and all kinds of feelings are here to be addressed.  Shame, guilt, fear, sadness, frustration.    Cancer made me crash into the wall once again, and life was halted to deal with it.

I'm frustrated because I was in a great groove, in a new role at work and gearing up for summer.  

you make plans and god laughs!!

My head went to the darkest places too - thinking the same cancer was back and all over my body and literally time was going to be up.  until I was told otherwise - and of course I am so thankful and relieved for this.

I'm still a bit pissed off though.  there's always the why me in there.  what's the lesson this time?  I already have faced these lessons before.

what is out of balance that i need to address?

On the positive side, i very much feel the love from friends, family, colleagues, my boss.  I know I am loved and I am so supported this time.  It's overwhelming at times, how much love I do feel.

And I think for me - that's what I need to focus on and hold on to.  

Even if it had limited time left - heck any of us might - how would I want to live? what are my values?

I want to have joy and be content in life.

I want to be around people and things that bring me peace.

I want to continue to have special experiences and make the most out of this life.

I want to share love and share kindness and share hope with people.

I want to live with courage and resilience and optimism.

I want to leave a legacy that reflects these values. :)

Life interrupted

In an update that I never hoped to share - 8 years after my first diagnosis I am dealing with a new health issue, a lump in my left/opposite breast.

It’s been a tense month or so as I advocated to get my mammogram moved up and I awaited the biopsy and then the results of the mri and ct scan.

To say I was scared is an understatement.

now that I know it’s localized and treatable, I am fully digesting this turn of events.

Very grateful for how quickly things are moving and that it’s a good scenario. I have surgery this Friday and will then know what other treatment I need.

🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Mammogram results and Covid thoughts

I had my annual mammogram on May 27 and recently (last sunday) found out the scan was clear!!! I've very relieved.

I think covid was messing with my head and for a couple months leading up to the appointment I had convinced myself the cancer was back.  As illogical as that is, I think the threat of sickness/death with covid triggered a lot of previous trauma in me.  I am glad to have passed this milestone for the year and hope to move forward with a more positive mindset.

As an hr practitioner I often have to coach or support my clients or employees on dealing with these types of things and addressing anxiety.  I want to try to think about what I'd say to someone in my workplace that was dealing with similar feelings that I have been struggling with.

1) I think I would say first of all for them to try to take a moment to breath.  Breath in and breath out, and focus on the current moment.  If you are able to, perhaps take 5-10 minutes and do a guided meditation.  maybe build this into your daily routine, and try to calm your nervous system.

2) another great strategy for releasing emotions is to talk to a friend or even a therapist about what you are feeling. get those feelings out, with someone that will listen with compassion.  for covid, in particular, we are all going through this together and we are feeling a lot of the same feelings right now. you won't be shunned for your feelings. you will probably get a lot of nodding heads.

3) journal your thoughts and feelings out too - if you'd rather not talk to someone, writing everything out and getting rid of it helps! it gets it out of your head.  even consider burning the paper after and releasing all the negative stuff by lighting it on fire!

4) for me, anxiety is often worrying about the future.  in covid, we don't know when this will really end.  so take control of what you can.  create a stable routine every day, that will help with maintaining some normalcy and balance for you.  focus on each day as it comes and don't think too far into the future if you can.  stay present. 

5) exercise!  if you like to workout like me I know that really helps me with anxiety and stress. find some kind of exercise that feels good to you and do it.  

Personally, I think I need to focus on levelling out my stress and nervous system. I probably need to do some more relaxing movements and activities to balance out work stress and high intensity workouts. I am trying to work yoga and mediation into my life, and get back to journalling more as well.

all of the above is great advice I would give someone else, and I need to give it to myself!

8 weeks in quarantine

today marks 67 days in quarantine - or roughly 8 weeks.
in some ways it has gone by so fast and in others painfully slow!
i don't miss the commute to work at all!  however i do miss the social aspect of work and seeing people in person, for work or for social gatherings.  i'd like another face or two in the rotation :)
we have had moments of stir crazy for sure.  it's hard because we don't know when the end is in site and I can't really let my guard down since i may be immune compromised.  but it would be very good for my mental health to have some social visits, even if they are porch visits.
this weekend was my parents 50th wedding anniversary and I was disappointed not to be able to go to ottawa for that.  it triggers me to be stuck at home - as I was for so long during cancer treatment, and i feel frustrated of missing out on things, like fun activities, a social life and travel adventures. i already lost the better part of a year and i am feeling resentful of this bump in the road.
trying to focus on the basics, like eating well, working out and having a good routine.  the trauma and fear of this situation causes me anxiety though and I'm just trying to manage it one day at a time.
i'm dusting off old strategies and tools from cancer treatment, that's for sure. not every day is good day, but there is something good in each day. gratitude and being in the present moment is going to be key, as we continue through this challenge.

A big bump in the road for all

So many emotions these days with the Coronavirus pandemic. 

I have felt this fear and anger and sadness before. In some ways it triggers me quite deeply. 

This is almost worse than having cancer though in some ways — I am afraid for me, I am afraid for my loved ones, I am afraid for my colleagues and friends. I am afraid for the future. I know we will get through this but what losses are possible along the way?

It’s certainly a big bump on the road. And we are at the bottom of the mountain again, only starting the climb to get to where we need to be.

All we can do is put one foot in front of the other, and do the best we can to move through this together, with compassion. 

This

2nd annual mammogram and living cancer free

my 2nd annual mammogram this May came back clear and I am very relieved and happy. it's always a stressful time. I was able to find out the news through the online medical app, before I even saw Dr. Easson so that was good - I hate the waiting part!!  When I saw her, she said "keep up the good work" and sent me on my way.

Fast forward to now - I had lunch with my breast cancer friends that I met at Wellspring this past weekend.  One of our friend's Tammy may be facing a stage 4 diagnosis.  She is also triple negative like me and we went through treatment at the same time.  She was having issues with her lungs and got checked, and they can tell there is a cancer nodule there.  She is getting a biopsy to see if it is a new primary (which would be best case) or her original breast cancer metastasized.   I'm so upset and scared for her.  This is of course our worst nightmare.  She was so excited to hit 2 years and we were excited for each other - as with triple negative that is the timeframe of most likely recurrence.  I'm just devastated for her. 

And trying to process my own feelings.  It's very close to home and it makes me have anxiety about my own situation.  it's funny, but as time passes you sort of start to think you are off the hook and you couldn't possibly have to go through cancer again.  Something like this just reminds me we are always vulnerable.  New treatments are being found each day for cancer, so this is encouraging. However I think the survival after a stage 4 triple negative diagnosis isn't that great - maybe a year.  

I wonder what I'd want to do for that year if it was me. I'd want to maintain quality of life and do things I love as much as possible.  it makes me think even now - with no recurrence looming - how am I living my best life? how can I make this next 12 months amazing and memorable - regardless if I live another 40 years or one year.  Lots to think about and consider.  

I know right now, I am sending Tammy positive vibes her way.