Today is a new moon and the solar eclipse. A good time to write down goals as it is a period of renewal.
Time to take another look at the guiding principles and not to forget what's important in my life now!
Harmony, Balance and well-being for sure - number one!
Focus on things you love to do and that matter most - loving relationships; recharging activities and self-care; travel - two trips a year remember?
Don't wait to do things that are important to you!!
Don't forget how amazing you are - you beat cancer! Be bold, be brave and be kind. Take this new perspective into every aspect of your life.
Monday, 21 August 2017
Last week of gradual return
This is my last week of gradual return! hard to believe, those 8 weeks went by fast. I definitely feel my stamina improving. I hope I can transition ok to the full time hours. I know I will be tired. I need to be patient and kind to myself.
It hasn't all be easy coming back to work. I did try to help out more than I maybe should have during the return, mainly because the branch has been so understaffed and I wanted to rectify this before I go on my secondment. There were days I pushed myself too hard. But then I learned my lesson and am not working outside of the hours much anymore. I need to value my time to rest and treat that as a priority too.
Because I threw myself into things and maybe also because I sought out a new job, I think people at work somewhat forgot I was on gradual return and just back from leave for cancer. There have been many times where I haven't felt a lot of support. Not even much concern for how I am doing. It is a bit disappointing. But I guess not that surprising. I have to look after myself and be my own advocate.
As I get ready for my new role, I am hopeful I can find the right balance for me. That's my goal for this new job. To enjoy the opportunity and all that it brings but not to let it consume me. Remember that balance, harmony and wellbeing is number one.
It hasn't all be easy coming back to work. I did try to help out more than I maybe should have during the return, mainly because the branch has been so understaffed and I wanted to rectify this before I go on my secondment. There were days I pushed myself too hard. But then I learned my lesson and am not working outside of the hours much anymore. I need to value my time to rest and treat that as a priority too.
Because I threw myself into things and maybe also because I sought out a new job, I think people at work somewhat forgot I was on gradual return and just back from leave for cancer. There have been many times where I haven't felt a lot of support. Not even much concern for how I am doing. It is a bit disappointing. But I guess not that surprising. I have to look after myself and be my own advocate.
As I get ready for my new role, I am hopeful I can find the right balance for me. That's my goal for this new job. To enjoy the opportunity and all that it brings but not to let it consume me. Remember that balance, harmony and wellbeing is number one.
Wednesday, 9 August 2017
Return to work update
Well, I've been back on the gradual return to work for just over a month now. It's going ok. I feel like I am contributing at a decent level. I get tired as the day goes on and I notice that is when I struggle with vocabulary (like searching for the right word) and/or making spelling mistakes on emails etc. I am up to 20 hours this week, jumping to 30 next week! Hope I can manage ok as I get up to full time August 28th. This week I am going in at 9am instead of 10am, which means I get up at 5:30 so I have time to workout, shower, dress, do breakfast and walk the dog all before commuting to work. It's a lot for someone off for cancer for over a year! But I am managing. Getting better at not working when I am not at work too. Because I realize I need the rest otherwise I am not as effective when I am there.
The week I returned I had an interview for a new role, lateral position as a manager in an HR branch at Cabinet Office. Amazingly I won the temporary position! And my director eventually agreed to let me go! I start there September 11th, as she needs me to stick around to deliver on the upcoming retreat for her. I will be back to full time hours at that point so it should be ok. I did tell the new director I will be reporting to about my leave for cancer and gradual return so she knows. She seems really great and from what I hear there is a great culture there, good work-life balance, and they just did a flex work pilot where people can work from home! It all sounds good. My title is going to be Manager, People and Culture, and I will be leading HR projects and programs, with a team for 4 or 5 staff. I am excited to try something new. I feel like if I hadn't got sick I would be due for a move and so why not go forward like I didn't get sick? Time to take control of my career back. Especially when the branch at MMAH has changed so drastically - I feel much less ties and loyalty there, and frankly I can already tell I am not learning much there anymore. This retreat I am helping with - I have already done 5 other retreats of a similar nature. It's time for something else! It is an 18 month secondment, so we will see how it goes. Should I want to become an HR director at some point, it will be good to get more experience in a different ministry and this is more "central agency" experience.
I am proud of myself for taking on this challenge of a competition, and being successful!
The week I returned I had an interview for a new role, lateral position as a manager in an HR branch at Cabinet Office. Amazingly I won the temporary position! And my director eventually agreed to let me go! I start there September 11th, as she needs me to stick around to deliver on the upcoming retreat for her. I will be back to full time hours at that point so it should be ok. I did tell the new director I will be reporting to about my leave for cancer and gradual return so she knows. She seems really great and from what I hear there is a great culture there, good work-life balance, and they just did a flex work pilot where people can work from home! It all sounds good. My title is going to be Manager, People and Culture, and I will be leading HR projects and programs, with a team for 4 or 5 staff. I am excited to try something new. I feel like if I hadn't got sick I would be due for a move and so why not go forward like I didn't get sick? Time to take control of my career back. Especially when the branch at MMAH has changed so drastically - I feel much less ties and loyalty there, and frankly I can already tell I am not learning much there anymore. This retreat I am helping with - I have already done 5 other retreats of a similar nature. It's time for something else! It is an 18 month secondment, so we will see how it goes. Should I want to become an HR director at some point, it will be good to get more experience in a different ministry and this is more "central agency" experience.
I am proud of myself for taking on this challenge of a competition, and being successful!
Tuesday, 8 August 2017
A letter to myself
Last August the EAP counsellor suggested I write a letter to myself one year in the future, talking about everything I have survived and made it through, to help myself visualize and focus on my goal - to beat cancer. Here is that letter, from my notebook:
__
August 2017 (actually written August 2016 :))
Dear Jen,
It's been 14 months since your diagnosis with breast cancers. You have overcome so much since that time. The major hurdle of chemo, where your body was put through the wringer, followed by surgery and radiation...not to mention the emotional roller coaster of the past year.
I know at times you couldn't do anymore. You weren't sure how you might climb the mountain in front of you. But look at you now! You did it! You fucking beat cancer!
You have your physical strength back and can do the exercises you enjoy, that centre you and relieve stress. You've battled the psychological demons that come with this disease. Your hair is back! you feel like a woman again. You are even back at work, the job you love. You continue to be grateful for every day and all that you experience.
You are a fighter and I am so incredibly proud of you! You are capable of anything.
__
August 2017 (actually written August 2016 :))
Dear Jen,
It's been 14 months since your diagnosis with breast cancers. You have overcome so much since that time. The major hurdle of chemo, where your body was put through the wringer, followed by surgery and radiation...not to mention the emotional roller coaster of the past year.
I know at times you couldn't do anymore. You weren't sure how you might climb the mountain in front of you. But look at you now! You did it! You fucking beat cancer!
You have your physical strength back and can do the exercises you enjoy, that centre you and relieve stress. You've battled the psychological demons that come with this disease. Your hair is back! you feel like a woman again. You are even back at work, the job you love. You continue to be grateful for every day and all that you experience.
You are a fighter and I am so incredibly proud of you! You are capable of anything.
Monday, 7 August 2017
Sunday, 23 July 2017
Returning to work after cancer
I've been back to work for two and a half weeks now (part time/gradual return) and it was surprising how easy it has been in some ways and tough in others. The good news is I have been able to get into the swing of things pretty quickly. I am not managing my team yet but I am influencing things and helping them with hiring as they are quite understaffed. I have a project assigned to me and am doing fine with that (retreat planning that I managed 4-5 times already in this ministry, so I am familiar with what needs to happen). I feel like my ability to multi-task and get things done pretty efficiently has returned - maybe not as great as I was but its getting there.
I have a hard time sticking to the reduced hours. I want to be up to speed on everything that has happened and is happening and I find it hard not to be involved in all aspects of my job yet. But I am trying. I am getting into a bit of a rhythm. There hasn't been pressure from anyone to do more than I can, other than my own internal self-pressure!
So what's the problem? Well, in some ways it feels like a brand new job. 4 of my staff have left with number 5 leaving at end of august (out of 8). I have a new director, and we are hiring new staff. It is almost a total rebuild situation. Some of the people left there aren't happy. The director has influenced a not very supportive culture, and my colleague manager was crying in my office on my second day. It scares me. So far things are going ok with me, but I worry about how it will be when I am back to full duties and the expectations set in. Not an ideal situation, I'd rather have stability and familiarity but what can you do. It is what it is.
In some ways I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I never got sick. Would 5 staff have left? Would the branch be in shambles like it is now? Would the culture have shifted so much? Would I have been considered for the director position? It's hard not to think about all that stuff, and link it to my illness. It makes me feel a bit cheated again.
I am not sure this is the right place for me longterm. I have to figure that out. If I never got sick, I would be due for a move, just from a career advancement perspective. So why not move?
Other challenges are just fatigue. I get tired after working 4-5 hours. I am so glad I am doing the gradual return and am building up my stamina. I am hopeful I will get back to where I was before. But I am bit nervous too.
It didn't take long to get back onto the "hamster wheel" though - and I need to remember my priorities and the importance of self-care. Sometimes I forget what I went through. I just go and do things, and push myself, like I would before cancer. In a way it's nice to forget. But I also need to make sure I take care of myself first.
I find myself thinking about work when I am not there. I have always been bad at that. But as I was dwelling on things yesterday, I was reminded of a lovely woman I met on my breast cancer group on Facebook - it popped up that we became friends at this time last year. Her name was Jo and she was stage 4....she's the one who was so lovely and positive, and she even went back to college - she really inspired me with her attitude about life, even when she was so ill. She died a few months after I came to know her. And so I was reminded again how short life is and to STOP fussing about work. What will be will be. All I can do is do my best and be grateful for where I am now, be grateful I was healthy enough to return, as it doesn't always work out that way for people.
I think I need to bring a reminder to work to keep me in check. My turtle - which I made in art therapy - hasn't made it to the office yet. I think it's time to bring it in. I was also thinking of doing a sticky note on my screen with my #1 guiding principle - "Harmony, Balance and Well-being is your number one priority." If I see it every day, hopefully I can live this more deliberately!!
I have a hard time sticking to the reduced hours. I want to be up to speed on everything that has happened and is happening and I find it hard not to be involved in all aspects of my job yet. But I am trying. I am getting into a bit of a rhythm. There hasn't been pressure from anyone to do more than I can, other than my own internal self-pressure!
So what's the problem? Well, in some ways it feels like a brand new job. 4 of my staff have left with number 5 leaving at end of august (out of 8). I have a new director, and we are hiring new staff. It is almost a total rebuild situation. Some of the people left there aren't happy. The director has influenced a not very supportive culture, and my colleague manager was crying in my office on my second day. It scares me. So far things are going ok with me, but I worry about how it will be when I am back to full duties and the expectations set in. Not an ideal situation, I'd rather have stability and familiarity but what can you do. It is what it is.
In some ways I can't help but wonder what things would be like if I never got sick. Would 5 staff have left? Would the branch be in shambles like it is now? Would the culture have shifted so much? Would I have been considered for the director position? It's hard not to think about all that stuff, and link it to my illness. It makes me feel a bit cheated again.
I am not sure this is the right place for me longterm. I have to figure that out. If I never got sick, I would be due for a move, just from a career advancement perspective. So why not move?
Other challenges are just fatigue. I get tired after working 4-5 hours. I am so glad I am doing the gradual return and am building up my stamina. I am hopeful I will get back to where I was before. But I am bit nervous too.
It didn't take long to get back onto the "hamster wheel" though - and I need to remember my priorities and the importance of self-care. Sometimes I forget what I went through. I just go and do things, and push myself, like I would before cancer. In a way it's nice to forget. But I also need to make sure I take care of myself first.
I find myself thinking about work when I am not there. I have always been bad at that. But as I was dwelling on things yesterday, I was reminded of a lovely woman I met on my breast cancer group on Facebook - it popped up that we became friends at this time last year. Her name was Jo and she was stage 4....she's the one who was so lovely and positive, and she even went back to college - she really inspired me with her attitude about life, even when she was so ill. She died a few months after I came to know her. And so I was reminded again how short life is and to STOP fussing about work. What will be will be. All I can do is do my best and be grateful for where I am now, be grateful I was healthy enough to return, as it doesn't always work out that way for people.
I think I need to bring a reminder to work to keep me in check. My turtle - which I made in art therapy - hasn't made it to the office yet. I think it's time to bring it in. I was also thinking of doing a sticky note on my screen with my #1 guiding principle - "Harmony, Balance and Well-being is your number one priority." If I see it every day, hopefully I can live this more deliberately!!
Thursday, 20 July 2017
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