Tuesday, 9 May 2017
Sunday, 7 May 2017
Friday, 5 May 2017
Art therapy #5
Here's my work from art therapy this week.
The warm up exercise was what you were thinking about on the way to wellspring. I was enjoying the sunshine and also thinking of Carmen, Maria and John. Those are the 3 birds :)
We then did some more painting with acrylic paint. We didn't have time to recap on what we did which was ok, I didn't feel anything in particular for these except just liking the colours and thinking of spring.
Appointment with Dr. Hunter
I had a really good session with Dr. Hunter yesterday. I updated him on the return to work course and the fear of recurrence workshops I did and it led to some good discussion.
For the return to work, I do feel the class is getting me ready to return, I feel it after only 2 sessions. In this past session we talked about different transitions we have done in the past related to work, such as our very first job, moving from private sector to public sector, moving from policy and program work to HR, moving to a manager job, getting a new boss, and of course my other return to work after Angel died. We talked about how we felt and how we coped with transitions, and it made me realize that I have done this before and will do it again.
I think part of the anxiety I have for returning this time is it triggers that time after Angel died. It wasn't great. I was in a bad place obviously, and I was very vulnerable. It is difficult to face colleagues that knew you were pregnant and now you aren't. Or even worse explaining to those that didn't know. Also I was so uninterested in work when I first went back. I do worry it will be the same this time, although as we talked about yesterday, this is a more positive return. Yes I had cancer, but I am returning because I am well again. I think people (especially my staff) will be excited/happy for me, and I do think I will have the support (or at least I hope so!). I am going to do a gradual return as well, which I didn't do last time. I think that will be important. In my return to work class we started to look at a gradual return schedule for 8 weeks, and that is getting me thinking about how it will work for me too. After going through all this with Dr. Hunter I did feel a bit better generally. He did say that likely no one in the return to work class has quite a provocative return to work situation to link back to so in that sense I am unique. But to remember that this is a different return, and a happy return.
We talked about the fear of recurrence workshop too and he took a lot of notes about what I learned! I think he might use some of it going forward. I don't think it is something I will every shake completely but I do feel like I am doing all I can for myself to live in the present and live healthily. He liked the "illusion of certainty" point from the workshop a lot. We talked also about how there isn't a fairness in how many difficult situations people are allocated in life. I think I am doing as well as I can given some of the trauma and challenges I've had in the last 6 years. He said how things are just random, and you can't really know what will impact you. He mentioned how he was reading about Ethiopia, the poorest country in Africa and likely the world, and that their life expectancy is about half ours. If you are randomly born there, you may only live till 40 years old. It's things that like that change your perspective. Really, I have so much in my life, despite the challenges I've faced.
Finally we talked about Carmen again, in relation to the fear of recurrence and randomness discussion. I've been thinking of her a lot this past week. Sometimes I wonder why she died and I get to live. She left behind a daughter, and I feel so torn up about that. Dr. Hunter talked about how I have no control over who gets to live or die. And that I shouldn't feel less worthy to live because I don't have a living child. We talked about cognitive reframing for this so I can stop focusing on it so much. That I could come up with a sentence to get out of the mindset. I was thinking about it last night and I might use something like "I am worthy to survive and be with my loved ones." If I start to dwell on the randomness and unfairness of this particular situation, I can call up that phrase.
For the return to work, I do feel the class is getting me ready to return, I feel it after only 2 sessions. In this past session we talked about different transitions we have done in the past related to work, such as our very first job, moving from private sector to public sector, moving from policy and program work to HR, moving to a manager job, getting a new boss, and of course my other return to work after Angel died. We talked about how we felt and how we coped with transitions, and it made me realize that I have done this before and will do it again.
I think part of the anxiety I have for returning this time is it triggers that time after Angel died. It wasn't great. I was in a bad place obviously, and I was very vulnerable. It is difficult to face colleagues that knew you were pregnant and now you aren't. Or even worse explaining to those that didn't know. Also I was so uninterested in work when I first went back. I do worry it will be the same this time, although as we talked about yesterday, this is a more positive return. Yes I had cancer, but I am returning because I am well again. I think people (especially my staff) will be excited/happy for me, and I do think I will have the support (or at least I hope so!). I am going to do a gradual return as well, which I didn't do last time. I think that will be important. In my return to work class we started to look at a gradual return schedule for 8 weeks, and that is getting me thinking about how it will work for me too. After going through all this with Dr. Hunter I did feel a bit better generally. He did say that likely no one in the return to work class has quite a provocative return to work situation to link back to so in that sense I am unique. But to remember that this is a different return, and a happy return.
We talked about the fear of recurrence workshop too and he took a lot of notes about what I learned! I think he might use some of it going forward. I don't think it is something I will every shake completely but I do feel like I am doing all I can for myself to live in the present and live healthily. He liked the "illusion of certainty" point from the workshop a lot. We talked also about how there isn't a fairness in how many difficult situations people are allocated in life. I think I am doing as well as I can given some of the trauma and challenges I've had in the last 6 years. He said how things are just random, and you can't really know what will impact you. He mentioned how he was reading about Ethiopia, the poorest country in Africa and likely the world, and that their life expectancy is about half ours. If you are randomly born there, you may only live till 40 years old. It's things that like that change your perspective. Really, I have so much in my life, despite the challenges I've faced.
Finally we talked about Carmen again, in relation to the fear of recurrence and randomness discussion. I've been thinking of her a lot this past week. Sometimes I wonder why she died and I get to live. She left behind a daughter, and I feel so torn up about that. Dr. Hunter talked about how I have no control over who gets to live or die. And that I shouldn't feel less worthy to live because I don't have a living child. We talked about cognitive reframing for this so I can stop focusing on it so much. That I could come up with a sentence to get out of the mindset. I was thinking about it last night and I might use something like "I am worthy to survive and be with my loved ones." If I start to dwell on the randomness and unfairness of this particular situation, I can call up that phrase.
What it's like to go through cancer treatment
Copied from another...
"What’s it like to go through cancer treatment? It’s something like this:
One day, you’re minding your own business, you open the fridge to get some breakfast, and OH MY GOD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN YOUR FRIDGE.
Wait, what? How? Why is there a mountain lion in your fridge? NO TIME TO EXPLAIN. RUN! THE MOUNTAIN LION WILL KILL YOU! UNLESS YOU FIND SOMETHING EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS TO KILL IT FIRST!
So you take off running, and the mountain lion is right behind you. You know the only thing that can kill a mountain lion is a bear, and the only bear is on top of the mountain, so you better find that bear. You start running up the mountain in hopes of finding the bear. Your friends desperately want to help, but they are powerless against mountain lions, as mountain lions are godless killing machines. But they really want to help, so they’re cheering you on and bringing you paper cups of water and orange slices as you run up the mountain and yelling at the mountain lion - “GET LOST, MOUNTAIN LION, NO ONE LIKES YOU” - and you really appreciate the support, but the mountain lion is still coming.
Also, for some reason, there’s someone in the crowd who’s yelling “that’s not really a mountain lion, it’s a puma” and another person yelling “I read that mountain lions are allergic to kale, have you tried rubbing kale on it?”
As you’re running up the mountain, you see other people fleeing their own mountain lions. Some of the mountain lions seem comparatively wimpy - they’re half grown and only have three legs or whatever, and you think to yourself - why couldn’t I have gotten one of those mountain lions? But then you look over at the people who are fleeing mountain lions the size of a monster truck with huge prehistoric saber fangs, and you feel like an asshole for even thinking that - and besides, who in their right mind would want to fight a mountain lion, even a three-legged one?
Finally, the person closest to you, whose job it is to take care of you - maybe a parent or sibling or best friend or, in my case, my husband - comes barging out of the woods and jumps on the mountain lion, whaling on it and screaming “GODDAMMIT MOUNTAIN LION, STOP TRYING TO EAT MY WIFE,” and the mountain lion punches your husband right in the face. Now your husband (or whatever) is rolling around on the ground clutching his nose, and he’s bought you some time, but you still need to get to the top of the mountain.
Eventually you reach the top, finally, and the bear is there. Waiting. For both of you. You rush right up to the bear, and the bear rushes the mountain lion, but the bear has to go through you to get to the mountain lion, and in doing so, the bear TOTALLY KICKS YOUR ASS, but not before it also punches your husband in the face. And your husband is now staggering around with a black eye and bloody nose, and saying “can I get some help, I’ve been punched in the face by two apex predators and I think my nose is broken,” and all you can say is “I’M KIND OF BUSY IN CASE YOU HADN’T NOTICED I’M FIGHTING A MOUNTAIN LION.”
Then, IF YOU ARE LUCKY, the bear leaps on the mountain lion and they are locked in epic battle until finally the two of them roll off a cliff edge together, and the mountain lion is dead.
Maybe. You’re not sure - it fell off the cliff, but mountain lions are crafty. It could come back at any moment.
And all your friends come running up to you and say “that was amazing! You’re so brave, we’re so proud of you! You didn’t die! That must be a huge relief!”
Meanwhile, you blew out both your knees, you’re having an asthma attack, you twisted your ankle, and also you have been mauled by a bear. And everyone says “boy, you must be excited to walk down the mountain!” And all you can think as you stagger to your feet is “f*ck this mountain, I never wanted to climb it in the first place.”
Tuesday, 2 May 2017
Fear of Recurrence Workshop - Part 2
I went to the 2nd half of the Fear of Recurrence workshop at Wellspring on Monday. It was really good.
We talked about Anxiety Management Strategies, and there are a lot of good ones to keep in mind.
1) Know your medical follow up plan. Know to to go to for answers.
2) Be informed - to a point. Don't google every last thing about your cancer - you will go crazy! Only look at reputable websites.
3) Focus on physical wellness strategies, like rest, diet and exercise.
4) Ensure you have authentic expression of feelings. If you are inauthentic, you carry the feelings of sadness or fear all on your own. Consider doing talk therapy, journalling, creative outlets etc. Don't neglect your emotional wellbeing.
5) Practice cognitive reframing. e.g: Change "there is nothing I can do" to "I am going to do everything I can to help myself." Find something to be grateful for in the midst of chaos.
6) Don't blame yourself for the cancer. Don't be responsible for your cancer, be responsible to your cancer. e.g.: What can I do now? Focus on quality of life (not length of life).
7) Learn relaxation/meditation/visualization. Relax your body and you will relax your mind.
8) Don't isolate yourself - find a community. e.g.: Wellspring
9) Patients involved in self-help activities life longer and better! Only 1% of the cancer population do self-help activities (like Wellspring programming). Take the active response - "What else can I do to help myself?"
10) Find meaning/purpose in your life (your new normal). What is most important? How do I want to spend my time? You can improve the quality of your life. Find new meaning in life after cancer. This could also include being of service to others, volunteering, etc.
11) Humour heals! Laugh a lot!
12) Be here now!
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