Looking fear in the face

 

Surgery day

Tuesday was surgery day, and Jeff and I got up bright and early to be at princess Margaret hospital by 7am.

We dropped Mimi at the dog sitter the night before and I am glad we did because we didn't get home until about 6:30pm. 

I got to the hospital and checked in at the short term stay unit on the 18th floor. A nurse then did a pre-op assessment and asked me a bunch of questions for my chart. She gave me gowns to change in to and then we waited for awhile as I was scheduled to get the wire placement at 9, the dye at 10 (at mount Sinai) and surgery at 12:15.  

Another nurse escorted us to the 3rd floor for the wire placement. She had an Angel pin on her scrubs and it made me feel better :)

An ultrasound tech and radiologist worked together to locate my lump/clip area using the ultrasound and then froze the area and placed the wire. They taped it down so it wasn't sticking out too.  The ultrasound tech made a comment about the lump shrinking a lot but didn't say it was completely gone, which made me nervous. I am/was hoping it was gone. But based on past experience I won't rely on a tech anyways - more than one had said it looked like fibroademona during my diagnostic tests.

I waited around for quite a while before I was taken to the nuclear medicine area of mount Sinai.  They took me over in a wheelchair which was a bit odd but I guess hospital protocol. They injected the dye and then were able to identify my sentinal nodes for the surgeon, so the biopsy could be done. These are the nodes that are most likely to have cancer if it spreads. 

I went directly to the surgery area next as I was running behind. When I got there I felt a bit swarmed by nurses, the anastetic resident and another nurse in training. They explained how the anastetic would work and asked me a bunch of questions about my health and previous surgeries. They tried several times to find a vein in my left arm, which I was afraid of happening since my veins are small and are even worse since chemo. Eventually the main anesthesiologist who was watching from afar said to take a break and bring me in the operating room.    

I was wheeled in and that's when my surgeon gave everyone the business! She was pissed because they were all around me and she hadn't had a chance to "speak to the patient." I felt bad for the nursing team! But my surgeon came over and she was very kind to me and reassured me she would take care of me. She said I had already done the hard part with chemo. I was super nervous at this point, as I don't like being put under and I was worried about the surgery, so it helped to get her reassurance.

The main anesthesiologist then took over looking for a vein. He tried three more times I think.  Finally they found one and everyone started getting me ready. It felt like greys anatomy! All these people around me and some just there learning/assisting. I remember someone going over my chart and the procedure for the team, and then they put an oxygen mask on me. A couple minutes later I was out and then the next memory was the recovery room.  When I woke up I just felt out of it and thirsty.  My surgeon came in awhile later and told me everything went very well and also that the lymph nodes were negative!!!  I said thank god, and she said that's what your husband said too :)

Once I woke up a bit more I was wheeled back to the short term stay unit, and Jeff walked along with me.  There was another woman in my room when we got back. I got into bed for awhile, and they gave me some morphine for pain, and eventually ate something too. I started to feel nauseous so I asked for gravol, which made me very sleepy.  I was there from about 3:30 til 5:45. I asked a couple times if I could leave and they wanted me to wait a bit longer.  The other woman in the room with me was chatting it up with her friend and there wasn't much privacy. It was noisy and not very comfortable so I am glad I didn't have to stay overnight.

I was pretty glad to get home to my own bed. Almost 48 hours later I feel pretty decent. I am sore and a bit tired but I have been taking Tylenol extra strength and that seems good enough!   I go back to see the surgeon on November 23rd to review the pathology report. I will be still hoping for a pathological complete response - meaning chemo destroyed the cancer completely. But whatever the outcome I feel like the cancer is gone at this point. The surgery got rid of anything that remained, and radiation is just my insurance policy. :)

 

View from the hospital room

 

 

Embrace the uncertainty

 

To do list

 

Jillian micheals junkie

I've accomplished more than I thought I would between end of chemo and surgery, in terms of exercising again. I was able to do several of jillians workout DVDs, including beginner shred level 1 and 2, kickboxing and yoga inferno :)

I am proud of myself! I am not quite at the level I was before but it is still great to feel well enough to complete them. I posted about it on my Facebook group, Jillian micheals junkies, and I got a ton of encouragement! Also I think others felt I inspired them too. #noexcuses!

 

 

Surgery nerves and session with Dr Hunter

I've been feeling a bit nervous about my surgery on Tuesday. I don't like being put under Anesthetic and I worry what they will find in the sentinal node even though it will likely be fine. Chemo did its job and the lump shrunk so things are pointing in the right direction.  

I had another session with doctor hunter this week so it helped to talk about things and he did actually make me feel calmer about everything. He has such a calm demeanor and is a kind person, I can see why he is good at his job!

We had a discussion about how cancer patients are often encouraged to "think positive" by our friends or family, and my therapist said he prefers "think authentically". It's ok to feel all the emotions and get them out. Less baggage that way. He also said there is no scientific link to being positive and beating cancer, and not to feel bad if you have moments or days that you feel overwhelmed or sad. I really like the term think authentically, and I am not really scared of discussing worst case scenarios as I have thought about them all already.  It doesn't mean I don't have hope or the will to fight. It is normal to worry and it helps to talk about my worries with those that are willing to listen.

We also talked about peer support and I said I appreciate the online groups but sometimes they scare me too. Someone in the main group I am in died last week. She was 52 and triple negative and leaves behind two teenage daughters.  As a show of support the group members change their profile picture to roses on the beach.  In my mind, if you want online support for yourself you also have to take the good with the bad. It is not all sunshine and rainbows- it is a cancer support group after all!! - but the support I have received from women that have experienced this before has helped me immensely in many ways.

I talked about how happy I am to be exercising again and that I realized how much I needed it and missed it, as it helps me feel better about myself and is a good stress reliever. I mentioned I will miss it after surgery and he reminded me it won't be forever. But he said that when you lose something important like that in your life it does feel like a loss. Again I felt so validated in how I was feeling.  

I am feeling more ready to go ahead with surgery now, only a few days to go.  Please say a little prayer for me on November 8th!

 

Realities of breast cancer

http://video.self.com/watch/realities-of-breast-cancer-treatment-nobody-talks-about