Community subgroups

Going through what I did with Angel in a way prepared me for my current life crisis. I immediately reached out to support groups online and was able to connect and get that lifeline from the start.  Being part of now the breast cancer community, I've noticed similar sub groups and divisions, just like in the babyloss community. 

I've seen some pretty bold commentary about breast cancer awareness and research, especially now that Breast cancer awareness month is almost upon us. The women with metastasized cancer and even more specifically young women in this group are asking for research and a cure specific to them. They don't like the "survivor" rhetoric and the pink ribbons. I think they feel their voice and their needs are marginalized in the community. Similar to how I felt at times in the babyloss community, as I am a mother to a stillborn child but did not go on to have a "rainbow" baby.

Again I feel my eyes have been opened to this whole new world, and another community with varying needs and concerns. 

I just hope there can be room for all of us.  I want to be a survivor of breast cancer. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about women with metastasized cancer and of course there should be research done to find a cure. Even if I do survive now, it could return later in a metastasized state, or someone I love could go through that, and I want treatment options to continue to improve. 

I just don't think we need to trample on the spirit of breast cancer awareness and survival. There are so many messages of hope and courage and resilience that would be lost.

Appointment with doctor Hunter

I finally met the hospital psychiatrist dr. hunter (who specializes in cancer/illness) yesterday. He was on vacation for all of August and unfortunately has a high demand of patients so it took awhile to get in to see him. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, when Angel died I saw a grief counsellor for 9-10 months but she wasn't a doctor per say.  This first session was a getting to know you one, and he asked me a lot of questions about my entire life, although spent a bit more of the time on my cancer story.  It was emotionally draining but also fascinating all the things he asked about.  It made me connect the dots on some things in my life and it felt good to spend a significant amount of time just getting some feelings out about my illness. He said that I have had three major stressors in a short period of time (Angel, Carmen's illness and death, and now my cancer diagnosis) and this would be a lot for anyone. 

It was interesting at the end of the session he gave sort of his clinical opinion of what he learned about me and my life, and said that I have a stable life with a good support system, and he feels like it would be good for us to meet once a month while I continue treatment, to address feelings and topics I am dealing with at the time. But he said that as treatment ends and I start to feel more like myself again, he expects I will want to get on with my life.  I think it sounds reasonable and helpful.

One of the things he made me realize is that because of the closeness in time, Carmen's death and my illness are somewhat intertwined for me. I saw what can happen first hand - young people die of cancer - and it is hard not to think about her very often. Plus it hasn't even been a year and I am still grieving that relationship. I know my cancer is different - type, stage, prognosis - and the outcome will be too. But logic doesn't always prevail in my mind. 

I also told him now that I have cancer, I realize I could have been a better support person for her. I just didn't know it. And his reply was - how could you?

Cancer is so much more than the physical components. I said that I have been basically trying to cope with chemo and haven't necessarily been processing all my emotions. I am knocked down for a week, start to feel better and then am knocked down again. He said he has heard this many times from other patients.  How can you deal with tough emotional issues when you are just trying to get by? 

I thought I was a resilient person before this - but chemo and confronting my own mortality has made me dig deeper than ever.

Last picc line change!

Today I went to the clinic for my last picc line change prior to my final chemo!

Can't wait to get this removed next week. Without the picc line, I will take hot showers with no Saran Wrap, I will be able to sleep on my side, I will be able to exercise, I will be able to lift heavy stuff by myself like grocery bags, lift poochie into the bath tub. Oh I can't wait. I will feel so free! Needless to say I was happy to say goodbye to the clinic today :)

 

Give back to yourself

You choose

Impatient to feel good again

My body feels old. I was told the fatigue from chemo is cumulative and I am feeling that today. It seems like the Tuesday after chemo I am exhausted, maybe it is the steroids wearing off.

I miss my body, what I was capable of before. I took Mimi for a walk today and it totally wore me out. 

I also am sick of looking sick. I am as bald as can be, and have no eyebrows or eyelashes left.  The steroids have made me puffy and bloated and because I have little energy I know I have gained weight during chemo. I wonder when I can really work out again like a hardcore workout. If by some miracle I can do a couple before surgery I would be happy.   My plan is to start with yoga and pilates, and maybe the elliptical too and go from there. I know I have to listen to my body. 

Women on my support group talk about the fatigue sticking around for quite some time and that's the last thing I want to hear! I am impatient to feel good again!

Run for the cure

My friend Shannon is doing the run for the cure for me in October!  She is such an amazing friend.

I've shared her fundraising page with friends and family and am so touched by the support and donations. :)

http://cibcrunforthecure.supportcbcf.com/site/TR?px=5074065&pg=personal&fr_id=2569&s_locale=en_CA&et=4s1DvICeSJKPfhU1yJi17A&s_tafId=110885