Appointment with doctor Hunter

I finally met the hospital psychiatrist dr. hunter (who specializes in cancer/illness) yesterday. He was on vacation for all of August and unfortunately has a high demand of patients so it took awhile to get in to see him. I've never been to a psychiatrist before, when Angel died I saw a grief counsellor for 9-10 months but she wasn't a doctor per say.  This first session was a getting to know you one, and he asked me a lot of questions about my entire life, although spent a bit more of the time on my cancer story.  It was emotionally draining but also fascinating all the things he asked about.  It made me connect the dots on some things in my life and it felt good to spend a significant amount of time just getting some feelings out about my illness. He said that I have had three major stressors in a short period of time (Angel, Carmen's illness and death, and now my cancer diagnosis) and this would be a lot for anyone. 

It was interesting at the end of the session he gave sort of his clinical opinion of what he learned about me and my life, and said that I have a stable life with a good support system, and he feels like it would be good for us to meet once a month while I continue treatment, to address feelings and topics I am dealing with at the time. But he said that as treatment ends and I start to feel more like myself again, he expects I will want to get on with my life.  I think it sounds reasonable and helpful.

One of the things he made me realize is that because of the closeness in time, Carmen's death and my illness are somewhat intertwined for me. I saw what can happen first hand - young people die of cancer - and it is hard not to think about her very often. Plus it hasn't even been a year and I am still grieving that relationship. I know my cancer is different - type, stage, prognosis - and the outcome will be too. But logic doesn't always prevail in my mind. 

I also told him now that I have cancer, I realize I could have been a better support person for her. I just didn't know it. And his reply was - how could you?

Cancer is so much more than the physical components. I said that I have been basically trying to cope with chemo and haven't necessarily been processing all my emotions. I am knocked down for a week, start to feel better and then am knocked down again. He said he has heard this many times from other patients.  How can you deal with tough emotional issues when you are just trying to get by? 

I thought I was a resilient person before this - but chemo and confronting my own mortality has made me dig deeper than ever.