Frustration and impatience

So if I am being honest, I had a few self pity moments during the first 4-5 days post chemo #2.  I get so tired of feeling unwell!  Pre-chemo and pre-diagnosis I am typically a busy person who likes to exercise, work, socialize, do errands, be independent. Having to force myself to rest and actually often not being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it really tramples all over my spirits.

Now, day 6 past chemo, I feel more like myself. Just like on cycle one. It is hard to remember that this day does come, when I am not feeling good. I should only be so lucky to have a decent off week for the remaining 6 cycles. I am now in this moment feeling grateful for some relief and for a good day. 

I saw this posted on Facebook yesterday and it is a good reminder....

Goodbye hair!

On Saturday I went to get my head shaved and picked up my wig.  It probably took all of a minute for her to give me the buzz cut! lol

I almost cried but didn't. I also picked my final wig which is a bit darker than the others I was looking at. I like it. It does feel a bit weird wearing it but maybe I will get used to it with time. When I am around the house I may just go bald. It actually feels kind of nice to have no hair, and feel the breeze on my head! 

I also got the shampoo to wash my wig, which I need to do every 7-10 days. They also had shampoo and moisturizer for my scalp which is nice. The moisturizer feels so good.

Trying to be positive about the hair loss. It is a necessary thing I know and it will grow back. 

Chemo #2 complete

Yesterday was my second chemo session.  We arrived at 8am and I had my blood taken shortly after that. While we were waiting for the blood, I met with Dr. Amir for a quick checkup.  I mentioned all my side effects and he didn't have any concerns, all seemed normal.  He did give me a different anti nausea drug to take at bedtime as I said the other one wasn't too effective. 


I had noticed in the last few days that the lump had shrunk and he did an exam and confirmed. it is crazy just one round of chemo did that much, but I am very happy it is working. Jeff and I joked about not having to do the last 7 chemos and the doctor said unfortunately that's not the case lol.


We waited around some more and eventually got taken in to the chemo room, and did some more waiting. I think chemo started at 11am.  I brought a book so that helped to pass some time. I want to take a picture of the actual chemo bags if I can do it subtlety. the first kind is red and has to be "pushed" in through the IV by the nurse. the second one is a clear bag, similar to the fluid bags they have, and takes about half an hour to drip in. 


While I was on the second bag, the hospital social worked visited me.  She had been on vacation so this was the first time we could connect.  We had a nice long talk and she helped me, just listening and offering some suggestions here and there for me.  I could be referred to the hospital psychiatrist for sessions if I want so that is something I might consider.  Counselling helped me a lot when Angel died so I will do something, even if it is EAP.  there are emotional and mental parts of this journey too, and in a way similar issues to when Angel died - feeling like my body has let me down, feeling like I have no control over things, dealing with not so great reactions or comments from friends and family, grieving certain things, like my health, my hair, my normal life, etc.   I know dealing with all the feelings is going to help my healing.  I have highs and lows.


I forgot how bad day 1 is.  the chemo makes my whole bottom feel heavy, almost like I am pushing against gravity coming down on me.  The fatigue is intense.  I went to bed at 8pm, and was up a few times in the night, but didn't get up again til 8:30am!  Today is a bit better, although still fatigued and on and off nausea. I am sticking to neutral foods.   I also gave myself the white blood cells shot at home today! so that was something. It was pretty easy actually.   And way better than going into the hospital again.


So today I washed and dried my hair and lots came out.  It is a bit unnerving to have it thin and fall out like that, so I've decided to go to get the shave and pick up my wig tomorrow. I don't think I want to deal with it falling out over the next few days.  If I do it proactively, I feel more in control.  I am sure it will be emotional but it has to be done, and in a way it is just another step to continuing treatment and getting better. It won't be forever!!

Side effects

So round one of chemo the main side effects I had were nausea and fatigue, which was the worst the day of and day after and slowly started getting better with each day. I think by about Wednesday I feel like myself again except for a bit more tired than usual. That is something I will just have to manage and only do what I can each day, not push myself too much.  The one other side effect so far is a tingling in my feet. The doctor mentioned this might happen in the feet and hands, so I will mention it at my next chemo on Thursday. I am hoping  the side effects don't get much worse than this but we will see. I know as things progress my body may be less resilient so it is hard to predict. 

I still have my hair! Which is a bit surprising as I expected it to be falling out  already. Maybe a few more days.

Mimi

My dog Mimi has been stuck to my hip these days! I guess dogs know when they need you. Most nights she wants to sleep in bed with me or at least in her bed in the bedroom, rather than her cave bed downstairs. During the day she follows me around, and if I sit down in the living room she has to sit in the lazy boy with me, even though there are 2 other couches and another chair! 

It is comforting though to have her as a companion. She also encourages me to exercise as I walk her twice a day most days, except around chemo when Jeff helps out.  She helped me so much after Angel died and she is helping me now to cope with this illness. I don't know what I would do without her! 

Work

Believe it or not I actually miss working. I have been off now for just over 3 weeks, and I started to think about things a bit today, now that the flurry of tests and treatment schedules is all worked out. I was thinking about my empty office and what people think when they walk past my closed door. I have a calendar of 6 months on my wall and I was trying to remember what was on it and coming up next. 

This diagnosis happened at the tail end of one of the busiest times in my current job. I guess you can say I went out with a bang? And I know I have a great place to go back to when I am ready. 

I love my team. The card they sent was so genuine and meaningful. I continue to be in touch with many of my staff and colleagues who want to know how I am doing.  I truly hope things are going well and that the projects we had underway go ahead while I am gone. 

I love my job and it gives me a lot of satisfaction. I know I couldn't do both though and I need to focus on getting healthy right now. As Dr. Amir said, I need to live 40 more years and I have to focus on beating this thing now, work will be there when I am done.

This week I received flowers from my ministry executive team - the deputy minister and assistant deputy ministers. I am so touched they did that, their support means a great deal to me.

Live like you're healing