Work changes

Before all this happened I was a bit of a workaholic. But I loved my job and my team and the organization. I won my role permanently and my director and I were in a good place after working together for about a year.

Since I have been on leave, my director found a new job and a new person has been appointed on a temporary basis. They also have plans to backfill my role with someone in September - which I am actually happy about. I hope it is a strong manager.

It is a lot of change for my team and from what I hear the new director has come in with a pretty aggressive approach that isn't going over well.

I wish I was there to help with this transition. I am worried some of my staff will get fed up and leave and also that I might be reporting to someone I hate when I get back.

I know it is a far way off because realistically I won't return to spring 2017 at the earliest, and maybe even summer 2017 based on my medical notes from my oncologist. A lot can change from now until then, hopefully things will settle down and my staff will stick it out.  I worked had to create a good team dynamic and it would make me sad if it all crumbled while I am in medical leave.

Part of what makes me a good manager though (if I can toot my own horn) is I genuinely care about my people and I look after them. And from where I am now I can't do that. Just another example of how I can't control what happens!  

I guess I need to let go and trust, and focus on getting better.

More good news

The genetics counsellor called me on Friday to let me know that I do not have the BRCA gene! This was the last piece of the puzzle for me in terms of diagnosis, as if I had the gene, there is a possibility they would have asked me to have a mastectomy.  And while that wouldn't be the end of the world, I am relieved that the surgery will be a lumpectomy only and hopefully there will only be a clip left! 

I hadn't expected to find out the results til September sometime, but it is great having this weight lifted off my shoulders and I can fully enjoy our week at the cottage.

It is also nice to have some good karma come my way, and I am ready to keep kicking cancers ass. :)

One day closer

Even on days when I feel like I am not making progress, I need to remember I am one day closer to being 100 percent again. 

Chemo #4 complete!

Hoorah for being 50% done chemo!  It feels like a bit of a milestone.


Things went smoother than last time, and I am very thankful.  this week my aunt came by and gave me a small container of holy water from Israel from a woman at her church.  I admit I am not a traditionally religious person but I am spiritual, so I put some on before this chemo, hoping it would help with a smooth session. Maybe it did!


We got there at 8 as usual and they had to undo my picc line bandage to take blood.  I showed them my allergic reaction and they put saline on it to try to dry it out. I showed the doctor too, and their recommendation was to use gauze and wrap, no tape. I hope it is helping it heal.


I mentioned all my side effects to the doctor and they said everything sounds typical.  I also got an exam and they were not really able to find the lump!  the doctor said I am having an excellent reaction so far. also, the next 4 sessions (Taxol) tends to attack more vigorously so maybe the lump will disappear entirely! it would be great if only the clip was left when it comes time for surgery.  I don't think they will be able to tell without another mammogram or MRI, or both.


Eventually by blood came back and they started the chemo. I snuck a pic of the AC chemo, and even looking at it makes my stomach turn!  so glad it is my last one of this kind.


Chemo through the picc line went fine, and no pricks to the arm so that's great.  I am getting more used to the picc line as time passes.


the doctor said the next type of chemo doesn't tend to cause as much nausea so I am glad for that.  Potential side effects are tingling in the feet and hands, and bone pain.   I heard they put ice on your fingers and toes during it, and they said I should bring gloves and socks with the fingers and toes cut out.


Next chemo is not until August 25! I am looking forward to the cottage break.

Some Coping Strategies

I had a really good counselling session this week with EAP, and was offered a couple of techniques to shift to positive mindset when I am feeling overwhelmed or worried.


We talked about looking at the facts, not assumptions or worst case scenarios - the chemo is effective, the lump is shrinking, I am almost half way done, my hair will grow back.


One thing the counsellor suggested is using cognitive queuing - put stickers in strategic places, like doors, mirrors, my phone, and consider them support stickers, that remind me to repeat positive affirmations, like "I can beat this", "I am strong" etc.  These can be reminders to myself that I can get through this.


We also talked about using realistic thinking, by asking myself 3 questions:
1) What am I worrying about
2) What am I hypothetically assuming will happen
3) What is really going to happen in the REAL world - or in other words, What are the FACTS?


We create our own anxieties and we can also destroy them with realistic thinking.


We also talked about going with the flow.  I am frustrated about my physical constraints but I need to focus on what I can do, like walking Mimi when I feel up to it, and remember this is only a temporary situation.  Don't stress about things out of my control. If I try to resist or rush this process, it won't help me.  At the same time, I can look forward to the future when this is all over and focus on overcoming this disease.

Life is a polarity

Urgent care visit

Yesterday I woke up and noticed blistering and discoloration on my picc line bandage. I was worried that it was infected so I went straight to urgent care. It look a few hours to have it looked and get sorted out but apparently it was an allergic reaction to the bandage tape!  I am hoping it heals ok. Better safe than sorry!

Here is a photo of me in urgent care, they  made me wear a mask since my immune system is compromised and the triage nurse called it a germ fest. Jeff said I looked like someone from Star Wars! :)